Embrace the Suck and Nude for Satan
Well it’s time to stop whining and start dealing with it. As an army sergeant said to someone I know who was covering the build up to the Iraqi war back in 2003 when he was asked how do you deal with all this – the sergeant said “sometimes you must embrace the suck.”
There are so many things that piss me off this day that it’s not worth the effort of writing about them. I know I just erased a page of whiny political stuff. I’m just so tired of it, the bastards and idiots have taken the field and we’re rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.
Anyway – dozed through Nude for Satan last night.
Okay now any film that features naked women that I end up dozing off to has got to be a pretty bad one yes?
This was an Italian film made back in 1974 – one of the ways you can tell it was made in Italy (aside from the Italian names and the film de roma bit just as the movie started) was a screen credit for the shoe supplier. And it’s not like, with a name like Nude for Satan the film was going to have a lot to do with shoes.
The first thing we see is a naked women running through the forest – you can tell it’s a 1974 film because the breasts actually move as she runs - it’s a promising start at least.
The film proper begins with a guy driving a VW beetle through a dark and stormy night. He reaches a farm house and pounds on the door announcing he is a doctor (a doctor driving a VW Beetle – damn socialist medicine) and he’s looking for a house. The owner of the house he’s at tells him more or less he can’t get there from here and goes back to bed smiling because he doesn’t have anything else to do with the movie.
More high – well faster than normal – speed driving ensues and at all at once he sees a woman in a white robe at the side of the road. He pulls to a halt banging his head on the wheel – did the European vw’s have that good brakes? He gets out of the car slowly (everybody does things slowly in this film ) and shines a flashlight about looking for the woman in white – he doesn’t see her but as he is looking a car wheel rolls past him (like the ambulance wheel at the end of Airplane) and he sees that off camera a small mini has driven into the ditch (it’s not missing any wheels – we never learn where that wheel came from but considering how little sense this film makes it’s not a big deal) – and that a woman has been injured.
Being a doctor he knows what to do with an accident victim – he drags her out of her car and stuffs her in the front seat of his VW and then slaps her awake – damn socialized medicine again.
So off they drive and then – he leaves her in the car to walk up to this spooky castle on the top of the hill (why walk? I mean he’s walking up a driveway)
After a piece of silliness with a guy that vanishes – the Male lead – named Harry Benson in the film by the way (righttttttttt) starts to wander though the house looking for help – and in one room he finds a guy lying on the floor with a big knife in his neck – after a moment the guy wakes up and starts laughing at the male lead – showing off some missing teeth by the by as well.
Okay now by this point I’m leaving the castle thinking a) I need to get my meds checked and b) let me see about the girl – maybe I could shove her spine around some more and finish the job but no - off he goes wandering about more until he runs into a book that will supply a plot point later on in the film and then the girl he left in the car now seemingly completely well dressed in a 19th century looking thing and mad with desire for him.
We see them lock face for a bit.
Then it seems to be dawn and the girl left in the car is walking up the driveway looking for help – but wait – didn’t we just see her before with the doctor sucking face – bill just relax and have another bong hit – it won’t make anymore sense but you won’t care as much.
So the girl wanders into the same castle – as she does a sinister figure in black wearing a cape appears and disappears from time to time – he might as well be holding up a neon sign that flashes “DEVIL I AM THE DEVIL” on and off but no matter – just take a hit off that bong and off we go.
The girl (female lead from now own) meets up with the Devil who urges her to stay and take a bath (after undressing her with his eyes in a manner that actually makes her clothes come off – Nude for Satan!) – and bathe she does – standing up in the bathtub so we can see that she’s naked – (warning: do not use this film for a nude for Satan drinking game (i.e. when you see someone nude you down a shot – people will be passing out by the ½ way point. ) a servant girl comes up dries her off and then well we cut away before it gets good (nude for Satan but well not that nude).
We then spend a lot of time – wandering in the garden in the house – we see that there is another male lead who is also dressed in 19th century garb who has the real hots for the female lead the same way the ah hah! There are two of them – good and repressed and the other evil and mad for the humpty hump dance – or something – just do the bong – I’m gonna order pizza.
At one point the woman falls down something like a well and ends up trapped – with ripped clothes – not quite nude for Satan but close – in a giant spider web and menaced by the fakest looking spider in the history of movies – worse than the spider in Cat women of the moon or Horrors of Spider Island – granted they were fake looking but at least the legs moved.
The climax of the movie comes when the male lead realizes he’s being tested by his own bad side who ends up with the female lead sitting on his lap in a big chair – she’s of course sans clothing – at which point two other women who are also nude for Satan (I warned you not to make this a drinking game – how about some water?) who dance around – followed by two guys who are wearing loincloths for Satan (for which we give his infernal majesty much thanks) and are painted half red and half blue like they are fans of some soccer team who - they also dance around – all the while Satan is looking on hoping the male lead will join in – it’s about the silliest orgy scene I’ve ever seen – at this point the male lead remembers the book runs to it and finds the devil’s works are afraid of fire – so he tosses a hurricane lamp at them, everything blows up and he ends up back out side by his car with the girl in her car as at the start of the movie – and one assumes folks in the 70’s took another bong hit and said “awesome film dude” and passed out.
The film is so druggy that I think you could just run it muted, play cheech and chong records at the same time and get about the same effect.
Peace, love, please get dressed guys.
There are so many things that piss me off this day that it’s not worth the effort of writing about them. I know I just erased a page of whiny political stuff. I’m just so tired of it, the bastards and idiots have taken the field and we’re rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.
Anyway – dozed through Nude for Satan last night.
Okay now any film that features naked women that I end up dozing off to has got to be a pretty bad one yes?
This was an Italian film made back in 1974 – one of the ways you can tell it was made in Italy (aside from the Italian names and the film de roma bit just as the movie started) was a screen credit for the shoe supplier. And it’s not like, with a name like Nude for Satan the film was going to have a lot to do with shoes.
The first thing we see is a naked women running through the forest – you can tell it’s a 1974 film because the breasts actually move as she runs - it’s a promising start at least.
The film proper begins with a guy driving a VW beetle through a dark and stormy night. He reaches a farm house and pounds on the door announcing he is a doctor (a doctor driving a VW Beetle – damn socialist medicine) and he’s looking for a house. The owner of the house he’s at tells him more or less he can’t get there from here and goes back to bed smiling because he doesn’t have anything else to do with the movie.
More high – well faster than normal – speed driving ensues and at all at once he sees a woman in a white robe at the side of the road. He pulls to a halt banging his head on the wheel – did the European vw’s have that good brakes? He gets out of the car slowly (everybody does things slowly in this film ) and shines a flashlight about looking for the woman in white – he doesn’t see her but as he is looking a car wheel rolls past him (like the ambulance wheel at the end of Airplane) and he sees that off camera a small mini has driven into the ditch (it’s not missing any wheels – we never learn where that wheel came from but considering how little sense this film makes it’s not a big deal) – and that a woman has been injured.
Being a doctor he knows what to do with an accident victim – he drags her out of her car and stuffs her in the front seat of his VW and then slaps her awake – damn socialized medicine again.
So off they drive and then – he leaves her in the car to walk up to this spooky castle on the top of the hill (why walk? I mean he’s walking up a driveway)
After a piece of silliness with a guy that vanishes – the Male lead – named Harry Benson in the film by the way (righttttttttt) starts to wander though the house looking for help – and in one room he finds a guy lying on the floor with a big knife in his neck – after a moment the guy wakes up and starts laughing at the male lead – showing off some missing teeth by the by as well.
Okay now by this point I’m leaving the castle thinking a) I need to get my meds checked and b) let me see about the girl – maybe I could shove her spine around some more and finish the job but no - off he goes wandering about more until he runs into a book that will supply a plot point later on in the film and then the girl he left in the car now seemingly completely well dressed in a 19th century looking thing and mad with desire for him.
We see them lock face for a bit.
Then it seems to be dawn and the girl left in the car is walking up the driveway looking for help – but wait – didn’t we just see her before with the doctor sucking face – bill just relax and have another bong hit – it won’t make anymore sense but you won’t care as much.
So the girl wanders into the same castle – as she does a sinister figure in black wearing a cape appears and disappears from time to time – he might as well be holding up a neon sign that flashes “DEVIL I AM THE DEVIL” on and off but no matter – just take a hit off that bong and off we go.
The girl (female lead from now own) meets up with the Devil who urges her to stay and take a bath (after undressing her with his eyes in a manner that actually makes her clothes come off – Nude for Satan!) – and bathe she does – standing up in the bathtub so we can see that she’s naked – (warning: do not use this film for a nude for Satan drinking game (i.e. when you see someone nude you down a shot – people will be passing out by the ½ way point. ) a servant girl comes up dries her off and then well we cut away before it gets good (nude for Satan but well not that nude).
We then spend a lot of time – wandering in the garden in the house – we see that there is another male lead who is also dressed in 19th century garb who has the real hots for the female lead the same way the ah hah! There are two of them – good and repressed and the other evil and mad for the humpty hump dance – or something – just do the bong – I’m gonna order pizza.
At one point the woman falls down something like a well and ends up trapped – with ripped clothes – not quite nude for Satan but close – in a giant spider web and menaced by the fakest looking spider in the history of movies – worse than the spider in Cat women of the moon or Horrors of Spider Island – granted they were fake looking but at least the legs moved.
The climax of the movie comes when the male lead realizes he’s being tested by his own bad side who ends up with the female lead sitting on his lap in a big chair – she’s of course sans clothing – at which point two other women who are also nude for Satan (I warned you not to make this a drinking game – how about some water?) who dance around – followed by two guys who are wearing loincloths for Satan (for which we give his infernal majesty much thanks) and are painted half red and half blue like they are fans of some soccer team who - they also dance around – all the while Satan is looking on hoping the male lead will join in – it’s about the silliest orgy scene I’ve ever seen – at this point the male lead remembers the book runs to it and finds the devil’s works are afraid of fire – so he tosses a hurricane lamp at them, everything blows up and he ends up back out side by his car with the girl in her car as at the start of the movie – and one assumes folks in the 70’s took another bong hit and said “awesome film dude” and passed out.
The film is so druggy that I think you could just run it muted, play cheech and chong records at the same time and get about the same effect.
Peace, love, please get dressed guys.
Labels: bad movies -
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