Friday, September 14, 2007

Just keep dying until we think of something and Giant Claws


Well that’s the end all and be all of the surge, congressmen, wearing helmets and body armor, shopping in markets surrounded by armed guards and flights of Helicopters, the useless bubble brain newsreader for CBS New’s field trip, the congressional testimony of the greatest general America has ever produced except for those others in the history books, the kissing of the ring of the general by congress, the power point slides, the talking by the talking heads and the speech by the leader of the free world, it all came down to this:

“Just you guys keep dying out there, who knows, things might get better. At least as long as you keep dying we won’t have to face the fact we made a god awful mistake and this horrible mess is our fault. I mean god forbid, we, you betters, suffer any consequences of our actions. And maybe we will attack Iran while we wait.”

And they will continue to lead good and happy lives and really really think they are something special and are doing important work and having nice lunches while for the next months families will continue to receive the worst news that they can imagine and young people will wake up in hospitals with limbs gone and lives shattered and have to navigate a system that assumes they are trying to cheat the system.

Somebody used the term kabuki to describe this useless whirling in Washington – I think that is unfair to a respected Japanese art form but it does sum up what happened very well.

At this point I don’t think this silly and wasteful exercise was meant to actually convince us, the peasants, that they have anyone’s interests in mind but their own. I suspect the reason here is that they were trying to convince themselves that they have examined all the possibilities and came to the conclusion – leave things as they are – which is what they wanted it to be in the first place.

Disgraceful.

Yes plan to finish Manos the next weekend – unless sanity occurs.

Still some exciting news in the world of rotten films – the Giant Claw will be coming out on DVD! Yeah it’ll be part of a set with 3 other films but damn the Claw is coming.

The giant claw has the honor of being listed in the short list of “the stupidest Monster Design” in film history.

The basic plot is that a giant bird of extraterrestrial origin (it flies though space – on wings? Like how? Wings need air yes? Well never mind they don’t care I don’t care) and beings a flying swath of destruction. It has all the necessary parts for a b-movie Monster Movie – the scientist (Mitch MacAfee flying electronics engineer– played by Jeff Morrow who must have done hundreds of these roles) a lady math wiz (played by one Mara Corday who actually doesn’t’ dissolve into panic or spend the entire time making food and manages to actually sound intelligent and a bit sarcastic at the same time). Along with Morris Ankrum who plays the Air Force General (he played generals so many times I suspect that he had his own uniforms “Army General? Fine. What Rank? Fine, I’ll be at the studio at 9 am”) and some other bit parts – all done by professionals who can at least read lines.

What lifts this film above others is the sheer goofiness of the monster – it looks like a buzzard with teeth, a weird Mohawk, and bad nose hair – you haven’t lived until you see a buzzard with bad nose hair (and the nostrils move ahhhhhhh! Make it stop! Make it stop!) And the wings are stiff and it’s so obviously a puppet you have to laugh as it swoops down on airplanes, heedless teenagers and toy trains. (it doesn’t help that that birds apparent size keep changing – they didn’t think too careful about scale but hell they were doing the special effects work in Mexico and for about 11 bucks so I don’t get as mad at that kind of thing here as I did with a film like the American Godzilla)

Eventually they destroy the bird which has a anti-matter shield (don’t ask) by using what are now called Muonic atoms – which because the muons which take the place of the Electrons in this exotic atom, are much more massive, the atom has a smaller radius (which per the film allows them to bond with the anti-matter atoms of the shield in some way – that’s absolute nonsense but the bit about it being smaller is right – which in a 1950’s science fiction film is worth noting pointing out).

I’m very happy aobut this – the dvd comes out 10/16.

It takes so little really.

Peace Love Giant Claws

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