Sweet Mother of Mercy
Things haven’t been too good on the old personal front – but we go back into the studio on Saturday and I feel good about that. I’ve missed the band – the people in the band – and doing the music. And being able to say hideously absurd things.
Speaking of absurd – cruising about the nets allowed me to discover this piece of advice from one of church experts. I’m gob smacked just utterly gob smacked. Well here it is (with my comments interjected from time to time as such)
STEPS IN OVERCOMING MASTURBATION (yes Masturbation)
Be assured that you can be cured of your difficulty (it’s not difficult, really it’s about the easiest thing I do). Many have been, both male and female, and you can be also if you determine that it must be so.
This determination is the first step. That is where we begin. You must decide that you will end this practice (practice? Practice! I’m a fucking expert!), and when you make that decision, the problem will be greatly reduced at once. (He said reduced He-he)
But it must be more than a hope or a wish, more than knowing that it is good for you (we’ll see about that). It must be actually a DECISION. If you truly make up your mind that you will be cured, then you will have the strength to resist any tendencies (what as in teh gay? Blondes? What the hell are you talking about)which you may have and any temptations which may come to you.
After you have made this decision, then observe the following specific guidelines:
A Guide to Self-Control:
1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet processes (during abnormal toilet process knock yourself out)
2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company. (if I could find good company – nudge nudge – I wouldn’t have this ‘problem’)
3. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness (Ted, I jack off. Don’t talk to me!). Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will (and god forbid even worse things could happen – you could both end up not masturbating but instead – well never mind – that’s a whole nother sin problem.) . You must get away from people of that kind (women, men, etc). Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind . The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists (it’s all in your little head heh-heh). Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things. (Why am I recalling the scene in Portnory’s complaint where he talks about using a cored apple to jack off with?)
4. When you bathe, do not admire yourself in a mirror (I never do but I’m fat – and what the hell?). Never stay in the bath more than five or six minutes (should I have an alarm on?) -- just long enough to bathe and dry and dress AND THEN GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM into a room where you will have some member of your family present (great show your boner to your parents -real good deal).
5. When in bed, if that is where you have your problem for the most part, dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts (May I suggest tying a steel pot lid over your groin), and so that it would be difficult and time consuming for you to remove those clothes (chains people we’re talking chains). By the time you started to remove protective clothing you would have sufficiently controlled your thinking that the temptation would leave you. (Or you’ve pissed all over yourself)
6. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, GET OUT OF BED AND GO INTO THE KITCHEN AND FIX YOURSELF A SNACK (just not anything suggestive and in the name of god no oysters), even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry, and despite your fears of gaining weight (he died of a heart attack this morning – he was 24, weighted 480 pounds but at least he was pure!.) The purpose behind this suggestion is that you GET YOUR MIND ON SOMETHING ELSE. (Like killing the man who wrote this) You are the subject of your thoughts, so to speak. (actually there is a reason dinner usually proceeds sex in the standard sequence – as you digest hormones and other chemicals get released into the blood stream and your arousal threshold lowers so this advice is a crock)
7. Never read pornographic material. Never read about your problem. (That way you won’t find out it’s not a problem) Keep it out of mind. Remember -- "First a thought, then an act."
The thought pattern must be changed. You must not allow this problem to remain in your mind. When you accomplish that, you soon will be free of the act. – (has this guy totally forgotten what the hell it is like to be 16? You’re god damn drunk on hormones – seeing a girl running her hand through her hair on TV is enough to get things going – a bra ad in the newspaper. Lord knows what the Victoria Secret ads would have done to me. Sweet mother this is a crazy person yes?)
8. Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times. Read good books -- Church books -- Scriptures -- Sermons of the Brethern [sic, Cistern too?]. Make a daily habit of reading at least one chapter of Scripture, preferably from one of the four Gospels in the New Testament, or the Book of Mormon. The four Gospels -- Matthew, Mark, Luke and John -- above anything else in the Bible can be helpful because of their uplifting qualities. (Still keep away from the Song of Songs, the bit with David and Bathsheba, the dance of the seven veils, and probably any of the mentions of Mary Magdalene)
9. Pray. But when you pray, don't pray about this problem, for that will tend to keep [it] in your mind more than ever. Pray for faith, pray for understanding of the Scriptures, pray for the Missionaries, the General Authorities, your friends, your families, BUT KEEP THE PROBLEM OUT OF YOUR MIND BY NOT MENTIONING IT EVER -- NOT IN CONVERSATION WITH OTHERS, NOT IN YOUR PRAYERS. KEEP IT _OUT_ of your mind! (That goes for your other problems too – never mention those – REPRESS EVERYTHING AND YOU’LL BE HAPPY – actually not you but the psychotherapist who treats you will be happy to by nice things with all the money you pay him because you can’t function in society) The attitude of a person toward his problem has an affect on how easy it is to overcome (maybe not so much with a real problem like cancer or heart disease). It is essential that a firm commitment be made to control the habit. As a person understands his reasons for the behavior (I’m human and humans like sex and masturbation feels good? Really is this has to be the root of this nonsense yes), and is sensitive to the conditions or situations that may trigger a desire for the act, he develops the power to control it.
As one meets with his Priesthood Leader, a program for overcoming masturbation can be implemented using some of these suggestions (oh god these poor kids – and just how creepy is it that you’re going to be grilled by Adult on how often you jack off? I have to go soak my brain in bleach now). Remember it is essential that a regular report program be agreed on, so progress can be recognized and failures understood and eliminated. (I’m back – god this is just creepy as hell – I’ll need a shower when I’m done – good long hot one – more than 6 minutes I’ll tell you – really hot water, lots of soap)
Suggestions:
1. Pray daily, ask for the gifts of the Spirit, that which will strengthen you against temptation. Pray fervently and out loud when the temptations are the strongest. (Like when you actually having sex – it gets them every time)
2. Follow a program of vigorous daily exercise. The exercises reduce emotional tension and depression and are absolutely basic to the solution of this problem. Double your physical activity when you feel stress increasing. (Again there is that release of endomorphs that come after vigorous exercise that tend to push the mind towards well – again it’s a crock)
3. When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell STOP to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind and then recite a prechosen Scripture or sing an inspirational hymn. It is important to turn your thoughts away from the selfish need to indulge. (This will get you arrested if you are in a public bath room when this happens so be warned.
4. Set goals of abstinence, begin with a day, then a week, month, year and finally commit to never doing it again. Until you commit yourself to never again you will always be open to temptation. (Being human you are always going to be open to temptation until maybe your late 80’s so get ready for a long haul kid)
5. Change in behavior and attitude is most easily achieved through a changed self-image. Spend time every day imagining yourself strong and in control, easily overcoming tempting situations. (That’s it repress – spent a lot of time in gun shops as well we find that helps)
6. Begin to work daily on a self-improvement program. Relate this plan to improving your Church service, to improving your relationships with your family, God and others. Strive to enhance your strengths and talents. (But not so much that people find you interesting and desirable cause well there comes temptation again)
7. Be outgoing and friendly. Force yourself to be with others and learn to enjoy working and talking to them. Use principles of developing friendships found in books such as How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. (not the 120 days of Sodom by the Marqi De Sade)
8. Be aware of situations that depress you (work, school, life) or that cause you to feel lonely, bored, frustrated or discouraged (work, school life). These emotional states can trigger the desire to masturbate as a way of escape (instead repress – or drink like a fish). Plan in advance to counter these low periods through various activities, such as reading a book, visiting a friend, doing something athletic, etc. (or visiting a gun shop)
9. Make a pocket calendar for a month on a small card. Carry it with you, but show it to no one. If you have a lapse of self control, color the day black. Your goal will be to have no black days. The calendar becomes a strong visual reminder of self control and should be looked at when you are tempted to add another black day. Keep your calendar up until you have at least three clear months. (Then jack off like a monkey in a cage for three days straight as a reward)
10. A careful study will indicate you have had the problem at certain times and under certain conditions. Try and recall, in detail, what your particular times and conditions were. Now that you understand how it happens, plan to break the pattern through counter activities. (Tell your leader about this I’m sure he’s intensity interested in all the details – why the hell would he do it otherwise – these mothers are just sick fucks kids)
11. In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique called aversion therapy. When we associate or think of something very distasteful with something which has been pleasurable, but undesirable, the distasteful thought and feeling will begin to cancel out that which was pleasurable. If you associate something very distasteful with your loss of self-control it will help you to stop the act. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eat several of them as you do the act. (Actually I think several GOP congressmen have been caught doing this – “oh yes mistress make me eat the worms!”)
12. During your toileting and shower activities leave the bathroom door or shower curtain partly open, to discourage being alone in total privacy (everybody likes to hear you pee or take a dump share it). Take cool brief showers.
13. Arise immediately in the mornings. Do not lie in bed awake, no matter what time of day it is. Get up and do something. Start each day with an enthusiastic activity. (Like untying yourself from the chains and the pot lid)
14. Keep your bladder empty. Refrain from drinking large amounts of fluids before retiring. (So much for warm milk or the eight glasses of water a day)
15. Reduce the amount of spices and condiments in your food. Eat as lightly as possible at night. (Horny and bland foods – can I just kill myself now?)
16. Wear pajamas that are difficult to open, yet loose and not binding. (Just get in the damn straight jacket and have done with it)
17. Avoid people, situations, pictures or reading materials that might create sexual excitement. (Horny, Bland food, books dry as dust and ugly dull people - just shoot me right now)
18. It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in overcoming this problem. A Book of Mormon, firmly held in hand, even in bed at night has proven helpful in extreme cases (on occasion you should whack you man hood with it saying down Mr. happy bad dog – it won’t help but it’ll give you something to tell the hooker in later life when she asks if there is anything special you want)..
19. In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken. This can also be accomplished by wearing several layers of clothing which would be difficult to remove while half asleep. (or in case of fire – burned to death but at least he wasn’t thinking about jacking off in his last moments – seriously did they just read a Victorian era nut piece on masturbation and modernize the words?)
20. Set up a reward system for your successes. It does not have to be a big reward. A quarter in a receptacle each time you overcome or reach a goal (hoop de shit a whole quarter). Spend it on something which delights you (say Maxim Magazine) and will be a continuing reminder of your progress.
21. Do not let yourself return to any past habit or attitude patterns which were part of your problem. Satan Never Gives Up.(my body is Satan?) Be calmly and confidently on guard. Keep a positive mental attitude. You can win this fight! (But I really don’t want to) The joy and strength you will feel when you do will give your whole life a radiant and spiritual glow of satisfaction and fulfillment. (Until you snap and wander into the shopping center with an automatic weapon, 3 pistols and a Bowie knife)
-----------
This I am told is real – it’s from the Mormons but I know this madness is not limited to them – St. Augustine for example believed that original sin was contained in a man’s sperm so that it was passed down to the newly conceived child. (He had issues). And I’m sure there are tracks similar lying about in Catholic and protestant churches.
I’m making fun of this only because it’s just so horrible.
Peace love Spank your monkey
Shirkra – just because.
Speaking of absurd – cruising about the nets allowed me to discover this piece of advice from one of church experts. I’m gob smacked just utterly gob smacked. Well here it is (with my comments interjected from time to time as such)
STEPS IN OVERCOMING MASTURBATION (yes Masturbation)
Be assured that you can be cured of your difficulty (it’s not difficult, really it’s about the easiest thing I do). Many have been, both male and female, and you can be also if you determine that it must be so.
This determination is the first step. That is where we begin. You must decide that you will end this practice (practice? Practice! I’m a fucking expert!), and when you make that decision, the problem will be greatly reduced at once. (He said reduced He-he)
But it must be more than a hope or a wish, more than knowing that it is good for you (we’ll see about that). It must be actually a DECISION. If you truly make up your mind that you will be cured, then you will have the strength to resist any tendencies (what as in teh gay? Blondes? What the hell are you talking about)which you may have and any temptations which may come to you.
After you have made this decision, then observe the following specific guidelines:
A Guide to Self-Control:
1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet processes (during abnormal toilet process knock yourself out)
2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company. (if I could find good company – nudge nudge – I wouldn’t have this ‘problem’)
3. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness (Ted, I jack off. Don’t talk to me!). Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will (and god forbid even worse things could happen – you could both end up not masturbating but instead – well never mind – that’s a whole nother sin problem.) . You must get away from people of that kind (women, men, etc). Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind . The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists (it’s all in your little head heh-heh). Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things. (Why am I recalling the scene in Portnory’s complaint where he talks about using a cored apple to jack off with?)
4. When you bathe, do not admire yourself in a mirror (I never do but I’m fat – and what the hell?). Never stay in the bath more than five or six minutes (should I have an alarm on?) -- just long enough to bathe and dry and dress AND THEN GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM into a room where you will have some member of your family present (great show your boner to your parents -real good deal).
5. When in bed, if that is where you have your problem for the most part, dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts (May I suggest tying a steel pot lid over your groin), and so that it would be difficult and time consuming for you to remove those clothes (chains people we’re talking chains). By the time you started to remove protective clothing you would have sufficiently controlled your thinking that the temptation would leave you. (Or you’ve pissed all over yourself)
6. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, GET OUT OF BED AND GO INTO THE KITCHEN AND FIX YOURSELF A SNACK (just not anything suggestive and in the name of god no oysters), even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry, and despite your fears of gaining weight (he died of a heart attack this morning – he was 24, weighted 480 pounds but at least he was pure!.) The purpose behind this suggestion is that you GET YOUR MIND ON SOMETHING ELSE. (Like killing the man who wrote this) You are the subject of your thoughts, so to speak. (actually there is a reason dinner usually proceeds sex in the standard sequence – as you digest hormones and other chemicals get released into the blood stream and your arousal threshold lowers so this advice is a crock)
7. Never read pornographic material. Never read about your problem. (That way you won’t find out it’s not a problem) Keep it out of mind. Remember -- "First a thought, then an act."
The thought pattern must be changed. You must not allow this problem to remain in your mind. When you accomplish that, you soon will be free of the act. – (has this guy totally forgotten what the hell it is like to be 16? You’re god damn drunk on hormones – seeing a girl running her hand through her hair on TV is enough to get things going – a bra ad in the newspaper. Lord knows what the Victoria Secret ads would have done to me. Sweet mother this is a crazy person yes?)
8. Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times. Read good books -- Church books -- Scriptures -- Sermons of the Brethern [sic, Cistern too?]. Make a daily habit of reading at least one chapter of Scripture, preferably from one of the four Gospels in the New Testament, or the Book of Mormon. The four Gospels -- Matthew, Mark, Luke and John -- above anything else in the Bible can be helpful because of their uplifting qualities. (Still keep away from the Song of Songs, the bit with David and Bathsheba, the dance of the seven veils, and probably any of the mentions of Mary Magdalene)
9. Pray. But when you pray, don't pray about this problem, for that will tend to keep [it] in your mind more than ever. Pray for faith, pray for understanding of the Scriptures, pray for the Missionaries, the General Authorities, your friends, your families, BUT KEEP THE PROBLEM OUT OF YOUR MIND BY NOT MENTIONING IT EVER -- NOT IN CONVERSATION WITH OTHERS, NOT IN YOUR PRAYERS. KEEP IT _OUT_ of your mind! (That goes for your other problems too – never mention those – REPRESS EVERYTHING AND YOU’LL BE HAPPY – actually not you but the psychotherapist who treats you will be happy to by nice things with all the money you pay him because you can’t function in society) The attitude of a person toward his problem has an affect on how easy it is to overcome (maybe not so much with a real problem like cancer or heart disease). It is essential that a firm commitment be made to control the habit. As a person understands his reasons for the behavior (I’m human and humans like sex and masturbation feels good? Really is this has to be the root of this nonsense yes), and is sensitive to the conditions or situations that may trigger a desire for the act, he develops the power to control it.
As one meets with his Priesthood Leader, a program for overcoming masturbation can be implemented using some of these suggestions (oh god these poor kids – and just how creepy is it that you’re going to be grilled by Adult on how often you jack off? I have to go soak my brain in bleach now). Remember it is essential that a regular report program be agreed on, so progress can be recognized and failures understood and eliminated. (I’m back – god this is just creepy as hell – I’ll need a shower when I’m done – good long hot one – more than 6 minutes I’ll tell you – really hot water, lots of soap)
Suggestions:
1. Pray daily, ask for the gifts of the Spirit, that which will strengthen you against temptation. Pray fervently and out loud when the temptations are the strongest. (Like when you actually having sex – it gets them every time)
2. Follow a program of vigorous daily exercise. The exercises reduce emotional tension and depression and are absolutely basic to the solution of this problem. Double your physical activity when you feel stress increasing. (Again there is that release of endomorphs that come after vigorous exercise that tend to push the mind towards well – again it’s a crock)
3. When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell STOP to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind and then recite a prechosen Scripture or sing an inspirational hymn. It is important to turn your thoughts away from the selfish need to indulge. (This will get you arrested if you are in a public bath room when this happens so be warned.
4. Set goals of abstinence, begin with a day, then a week, month, year and finally commit to never doing it again. Until you commit yourself to never again you will always be open to temptation. (Being human you are always going to be open to temptation until maybe your late 80’s so get ready for a long haul kid)
5. Change in behavior and attitude is most easily achieved through a changed self-image. Spend time every day imagining yourself strong and in control, easily overcoming tempting situations. (That’s it repress – spent a lot of time in gun shops as well we find that helps)
6. Begin to work daily on a self-improvement program. Relate this plan to improving your Church service, to improving your relationships with your family, God and others. Strive to enhance your strengths and talents. (But not so much that people find you interesting and desirable cause well there comes temptation again)
7. Be outgoing and friendly. Force yourself to be with others and learn to enjoy working and talking to them. Use principles of developing friendships found in books such as How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. (not the 120 days of Sodom by the Marqi De Sade)
8. Be aware of situations that depress you (work, school, life) or that cause you to feel lonely, bored, frustrated or discouraged (work, school life). These emotional states can trigger the desire to masturbate as a way of escape (instead repress – or drink like a fish). Plan in advance to counter these low periods through various activities, such as reading a book, visiting a friend, doing something athletic, etc. (or visiting a gun shop)
9. Make a pocket calendar for a month on a small card. Carry it with you, but show it to no one. If you have a lapse of self control, color the day black. Your goal will be to have no black days. The calendar becomes a strong visual reminder of self control and should be looked at when you are tempted to add another black day. Keep your calendar up until you have at least three clear months. (Then jack off like a monkey in a cage for three days straight as a reward)
10. A careful study will indicate you have had the problem at certain times and under certain conditions. Try and recall, in detail, what your particular times and conditions were. Now that you understand how it happens, plan to break the pattern through counter activities. (Tell your leader about this I’m sure he’s intensity interested in all the details – why the hell would he do it otherwise – these mothers are just sick fucks kids)
11. In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique called aversion therapy. When we associate or think of something very distasteful with something which has been pleasurable, but undesirable, the distasteful thought and feeling will begin to cancel out that which was pleasurable. If you associate something very distasteful with your loss of self-control it will help you to stop the act. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eat several of them as you do the act. (Actually I think several GOP congressmen have been caught doing this – “oh yes mistress make me eat the worms!”)
12. During your toileting and shower activities leave the bathroom door or shower curtain partly open, to discourage being alone in total privacy (everybody likes to hear you pee or take a dump share it). Take cool brief showers.
13. Arise immediately in the mornings. Do not lie in bed awake, no matter what time of day it is. Get up and do something. Start each day with an enthusiastic activity. (Like untying yourself from the chains and the pot lid)
14. Keep your bladder empty. Refrain from drinking large amounts of fluids before retiring. (So much for warm milk or the eight glasses of water a day)
15. Reduce the amount of spices and condiments in your food. Eat as lightly as possible at night. (Horny and bland foods – can I just kill myself now?)
16. Wear pajamas that are difficult to open, yet loose and not binding. (Just get in the damn straight jacket and have done with it)
17. Avoid people, situations, pictures or reading materials that might create sexual excitement. (Horny, Bland food, books dry as dust and ugly dull people - just shoot me right now)
18. It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in overcoming this problem. A Book of Mormon, firmly held in hand, even in bed at night has proven helpful in extreme cases (on occasion you should whack you man hood with it saying down Mr. happy bad dog – it won’t help but it’ll give you something to tell the hooker in later life when she asks if there is anything special you want)..
19. In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken. This can also be accomplished by wearing several layers of clothing which would be difficult to remove while half asleep. (or in case of fire – burned to death but at least he wasn’t thinking about jacking off in his last moments – seriously did they just read a Victorian era nut piece on masturbation and modernize the words?)
20. Set up a reward system for your successes. It does not have to be a big reward. A quarter in a receptacle each time you overcome or reach a goal (hoop de shit a whole quarter). Spend it on something which delights you (say Maxim Magazine) and will be a continuing reminder of your progress.
21. Do not let yourself return to any past habit or attitude patterns which were part of your problem. Satan Never Gives Up.(my body is Satan?) Be calmly and confidently on guard. Keep a positive mental attitude. You can win this fight! (But I really don’t want to) The joy and strength you will feel when you do will give your whole life a radiant and spiritual glow of satisfaction and fulfillment. (Until you snap and wander into the shopping center with an automatic weapon, 3 pistols and a Bowie knife)
-----------
This I am told is real – it’s from the Mormons but I know this madness is not limited to them – St. Augustine for example believed that original sin was contained in a man’s sperm so that it was passed down to the newly conceived child. (He had issues). And I’m sure there are tracks similar lying about in Catholic and protestant churches.
I’m making fun of this only because it’s just so horrible.
Peace love Spank your monkey
Shirkra – just because.
posted by Unknown at 12:20 PM
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