Saturday, January 19, 2008

Cloverfield & The H.U.D.


Last night The Enemy Below, Insect Girl and I went to see the above film – my report as follows –

WARNING SPOLIERS GALORE

Well they all die – well almost all of them (one gets air lifted out of Manhattan) – one done gets blown from the inside up by some kind of bug, another is crushed by a bridge collapsing, one is et by the monster (more about that later) and the last two are vaporized by the a-bomb they use to kill the monster at the end of the film. By the by I think I understand what the title means now – after they drop the bomb they have reduced Manhattan to a field of Clover.

Anyway the film starts with the Male lead – who’s name I forget – how about that for a bad sign – is filming things with his camera – get used to this camera and the shaky shots it has we are going to be looking at the world through it for the next hour and ½ - they gave The Enemy Below a headache about 20 minutes into the film.

Anyway Rob (I looked the name up) is enjoying a moment of post coital bliss with lizzy (or Beth or something) in a beautiful apartment overlooking Central Park (it’s lizzy’s dad’s or something) he wakes up the lovely liz, they chat a bit, he tosses strawberries at her (a neat trick while filming it at the same time) and then they natter about what to do with the day – it’s all this oh isn’t wonderful to be together moments from early in a relationship – it made me hate them very very much.

There is nothing in the world more boring than watching two narcissistic upper class twits in love – really, I would rather listen to a physics lecture. At least then, I’d learn something. I mean yes love is wonderful if you have a fucking huge apartment overlooking central park but love can be wonderful in a studio apartment as well - it’s the kind of Hollywood New York shit I can’t stand.

Anyway the film jumps to about a month after this – we see Jason (again I looked) Rob’s Brother and Lily (who is apparently Jason’s Girlfriend) putting things together for a surprise party for Rob. We don’t get to know much about Jason over the course of the film but that’s okay because he’s a dick and the less time you spend with a dick the better. But he’s in good company - most of the folks in the film are dicks, but before I go off on that, I feel I need to explain why they are fucking dicks.

To continue – Jason is filming Lilly get stuff from a store while complaining that Lilly wants him to go to each guest and film them saying good by to Rob who is going to be gong to Japan to become the vice president of some company – it’s never mentioned what company and it’s just was well. Rob looks about 10 years too young to the vice president of anything except maybe the glee club at college but I digress.

So Jason is being a dick about filming things. (I keep using that word but hell it fits) since, I guess it’d be in the way of him pouring as much booze as he could down his throat during the party. (At least he’s consistent) So he farms the task off to Rob’s not so bright best friend Hud thus insuring we have a long long night of dickness.

Let me explain – Hud is a dick. A huge god damn fucking uber dick – he is the one filming the rest of the film until the very end and you come to hate him very very much.

He’s supposed to I assume near the same age as Jason and Rob but he acts like a very immature 16 year old – he should be hanging out with the damn goonies you ask me.

So off we go, the party starts and folks are having a good time – Hud the Uber Dick tries to hit on this girl named Marlena who is having none of it (good for her – she’s whacked out of her mind and sucking down vodka like they were going to ban it tomorrow but at least she has a clue about things)– Jason and Rob are swilling beer Lilly is running about (I rather liked Lilly she was the only character that acted anything like an adult human being in the film – no that’s not right – ah yes she was not a narcissist twit - that’s better.)

I have to assume that Budweiser paid for some product placement in this film because all the guys are drinking it and not only that shoving the damn bottles in the camera. Another thing that bugged me – this is very well off dude and a party – they would be drinking a micro brew or at the very least Stella which is the upscale beer of choice these days – not bud.

Then – ta – da – in comes Beth – with some kind of date looking person – Rob freaks out and sulks. It seems Rob who is also a dick – hasn’t called Beth since their day of coital bliss because he’s going to Japan. This despite Jason telling us that Rob has been in love with Beth his whole life (all 22 years of it) and H.U.D. (Huge Uber Dick) after telling everybody at the party that Rob and Beth had done the humpy hump dance is also there saying he has to tell Beth what he feels.

Okay Rob is a dick as well – he left Beth high and dry after their night of passion and well what was she supposed to think? And Rob isn’t even thinking about what Beth feels or doesn’t feel – he’s too busy feeling sorry for himself. Frankly if I was going to Japan and had a woman who loved me (that I loved as well) and I was leaving I’d be with her every damn chance I had – and maybe reconsider the Japan gig as well – there are lot of jobs in life you know, not a lot of love. But Rob as I say – is a dick... – so they have a blow up, Beth leaves with the guy she came with. So there we are on the fire escape when - kaboom!

This by the by is 30 minutes into the film – at about minute 10 I was “muttering come on make with the death!’ There is a fine line between creating suspense and boring the shit out of people – I think in a Giant Monster flick it’s about 20 minutes – In the original King Kong you arrive at Skull Island about 20 minutes into the picture (and the background music starts then too it’s a very interesting effect) We got the first sighting of the big G in the original Godzilla at about minute 20.

So what we’ve had up until now is a pretty damn silly soap opera with silly people in it – a dumb friends if you would.

Then the city starts to explode – they go up to the roof and while there large pieces of buildings start to fall on them – they run to the street and in the famous scene from the film already the head of the statue of liberty comes rolling down Lexington ave.

Now you can’t go wrong with doing stuff with the statue of Liberty – the ending of the original planet of the apes where it’s buried in sand, the Day After Tomorrow where it’s covered in ice make a deep impact – so does the head lying there. Something huge and bad is happening to New York.

They – in a moment of clear thinking – decide to get the hell out of Manhattan – cause something huge and alive – we haven’t see it yet – is ripping the hold shit out of the city – and per Marlena – eating people.

There is a good moment where everybody argues over the best place cross the river – Just classic New York – everybody’s an expert and everybody’s got an opinion.

After some discussion, they head for the Brooklyn Bridge.

As they walk Rob is starting to have huge pangs of guilt about what he said to Beth before she left and tries to call her on his cell – in fact he gets through – which only would happen in a movie – in every emergency in New York since the invention of the cell phone – cell phones become useless – it’s simple really – the cell phone operators figure that at any given time maybe 10-15% of all the Cell phones in an area are going to be in use and plan their networks accordingly – when something bad happens 9-11, the blackout, Paris Hilton did something stupid, everybody whips out their phone and the network can’t handle it (an argument for land lines at least as a back up yes?).

So Rob is on the phone to Beth – but in the noise and confusion he can’t hear – so he stops – Lilly stops, Hud stops Jason keeps on going and

Well you knew this was going to happen – the beast (which we really haven’t gotten a real good look at yet) tears the Brooklyn Bridge apart – and Jason is gone with the bridge. And yet H.U.D. still lives and keeps on filming.

They all retreat – then Rob starts to listen to his messages (this is what I mean not only did he manage to get Beth on the phone he got his damn voice mail) but his battery dies so without a word to the other folks (Lilly Malena and the HUD) he runs into an electronics store that is being looted. We get a little plot info in there – a better shot of the monster and what not learn that it has things living on it about the size of a big dog like some kind of tick that are jumping off and eating people themselves – it’s a very bad day for New York. Rob is oblivious to this he’s rooting about looking for a new battery for his phone he finds one (and it’s charged – don’t phone batteries have to be charged before they can work?) and gets his voice mail – AGAIN! (Man I want to know what his plan is – a rainy day and I’m outta touch) – and he learns that Beth is hurt trapped in her apartment at central park – and about 59th street. Or was when the recording was made. So he’s going to go save her – and rather than a) let him go commit suicide on his own or b) walking up to him grabbing him by the collar and punching him in the face until he passes out and then carrying him out – they decide to go with him – with HUD filming

At this Point the Beast shows up again – there is much destruction and yelling – all well done by the way – unlike the American Godzilla the monster effects are very well done and impressive – wish there were more of them actually – and our four heroes end up underground in the spring street subway stop with the battle raging out side.

After some quiet time so the folks can stretch out their acting chops (well not really – HUD still acts like a dick to Marlena who has no good reason to stick around with these folks other than we need people to get killed later) and Rob weeps or something.

Then his cell phone rings – again – and in a fucking subway station – I have got to find out who his service provider is.

It’s his mom – so he lies to her saying that they are being evacuated (they are going after Beth) and then tells her that Jason is dead. Rob really is this the best time to drop that bomb on your mother? You’re already lying about what you’re doing would it be so damn hard to say – I don’t know we were separated or something like that.

But after that they decide to walk the subway tunnel from Spring Street to 59th Street – now I did that walk and more during the ny black out – it’s a good 2 hours or more. And we are with them for most of the walk.

As they walk along H.U.D. continues to jabber about what the beast is, talking about how it would be really scary if a homeless guy on fire came running down the tracks – the rest of the group keep telling him to shut up. Really, it’s like being stuck with your hyperactive D&D playing younger brother when on a date.

The tick like creatures attack them – Malena being foolish comes back and rescues the HUD from the ticks, getting bit herself and earning the undying enmity of the audience.

They emerge from the tunnel at – ta da – 59th street – and smack into an army post – Rob tries to convince someone that his girl is trapped in an apartment on 59th street. In a refreshing change nobody treats Rob like anything but a dick and they start hustling him and the rest out to the choppers letting them know in the process – in another plot point that the government is going nuke Manhattan if regular weapons can’t kill the beast (who like of looks a bit like some kind of mutant amphibian when you get a good look at it – so I’m going to call him Harry the Happy Amphibian for the rest of this) .

However, Marlena after saying she feels dizzy then starts bleeding from her eyes and is hustled off into a biohazard area where she blows up – apparently, the tick’s bite gives you a super Ebola and you’re done.

Thus perishes a character whose reason for sticking around is never clear.

One of the soldiers in an unbelievable change of heart lets the kids go and let’s them know that the last chopper out is 0600 and the bomb is going to be dropped 0700.

Tick tock says the clock - 2nd plot point if you’ve been following along in the Sid Field workbook.

After some tedious stair climbing and roof walking (don’t ask) they get to Beth’s apartment and she is there and alive with an iron concrete support rod through her shoulder which is pinning her down like a butterfly in collection.

After the lovers reunite – and she says “you came for me” and I suppressed an urge to vomit, they lift her off the support rod and get her down stairs – just in time to see Harry the Happy Amphibian coming for them, (you think they owned him money or something the way he keeps showing up).

And they start walking towards the helicopters.

Okay – now if she hadn’t already bled to death before they got there – she should have gone into shock when they yanked the damn thing out 2) she would have bled to death by the time they got to the bottom floor unless they did something to staunch the bleeding – about the only thing they could really do was what they did in the west and cauterize the wound by pouring some lighter fluid in the wound and sparking it up – disgusting yeah but its that or bleed to death.

So they approach the helicopters – and here comes Harry the Happy Amphibian again – Lilly gets out on a chopper but the others have to wait. They get on the next chopper but Harry is right there but he is hit by a stealth bomber attack. This doesn’t work.

Okay here’s a small problem – sure the stealth bombers look sexier than the B-52 but when you’re dealing with a beast about the size of the 30 story building that doesn’t have radar the stealth aspect is pretty pointless – what you want is sheer carrying ability – several bunker busters to pierce the skin and explode inside Harry’s body – that’s a b-52’s strength.

Anyway – the bombing attack fails – the chopper’s tail is knocked off by Harry and they crash.

For a long moment, we have static shot of a part of the chopper.

“oh please let them all be dead,” I said at this point.

No – the pilot is dead but not Rob Beth or the HUD –they crashed in central park - as they get themselves together there is Harry the Happy Amphibian – again. HUD is looking up at Harry who is looking him – the next moments are bit confused but it seems clear that Harry has bitten HUD and the HUD is dead as the camera drops to the ground and then tries to auto focus on HUD’s face – it’s not clear what else is left of HUD .

I got a real problem with this – Harry is fucking huge – for him to leave anything of HUD would be like a great white shark leaving ½ a chicklet after he struck.

But at least HUD is dead. Alas, the movie is almost over.

Rob and Beth flee with the camera – talk into it a for a bit – tell each other they love each other and are vaporized by the fireball from the a-bomb. At which the movie ends.

For the Enemy Below the best part of the evening was the trailer for the Star Trek film. Me. The film didn’t utterly stink again the monster stuff was very good and what we had come to see – but the weakness of this film was like Spielberg’s war of the worlds – we have to spend time with people we really come to dislike – actually dislike almost instantly and learn to utterly hate by the end of the film.

The message here seems to be – tell people that you love them, just in case a large monster attacks your city forcing the air force to nuke the city, killing you in the process – don’t let that happen to you.

You know – Life is uncertain but it’s not that uncertain.

But just in case becasue you never know:

Peace, love, I love you Harry the Happy Amphibian.

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