The maddness that is Gymkata
Rain thunderstorms what not – it’s dark and the occasional loud noise bangs the windows. While memories of Gymkata bang at my head.
Stupid. Just stupid. It’s really the only word that springs easily to mind watching this film. Dumb yeah, absurd as well, but mostly stupid.
The story such as it is – and even for a martial arts film this one is pretty thin – is there is this pretend country in the mountains of Asia (exactly where isn’t quite laid out) that would be a perfect location for a Star Wars control site or some such. (Side note – the film was made in 1985 before Star Wars became short hand for “welfare for defense contractors”) Now, because this is a martial arts film the only way that the U.S. can get permission to build in this country is win something called “The Game” when guys run around in a kind of outward bound worlds strongest man competition while guys dressed in sort kind of almost ninja robes (the red helmets don’t quite work here) chase and attempt to shoot the contestants with arrows. The winner can apparently ask anything he wants and it will be granted – except maybe ‘get me out of this movie”
So the US government taps a world championship gymnast to train to play ‘the game’ – this is the male lead played by a real gymnast Kurt Thomas who alas can’t really act that much – ah, not at all if the truth be told. Being able do wonders on the parallel bars (and by the way, gymnastic routines are just nowhere nearly as interesting as the director seems to think they are) doesn’t really translate into acting ability.
An interesting moment is where Kurt asks the agent giving him the assignment “why don’t we just invade?” foreshadowing the neo-con distain for international law years before they movement even had a name. “It’s outta style” the agent says forgetting the mention that the Russians might not like it and they have nukes – you forget the cold war algebra sometimes.
The film them has the standard kung-fu training sequence where the male lead is trained by two guys and the female lead – a.k.a. the Asian babe – who is the princess of the pretend country or some such. She’s pretty (like most American males of a certain age I do have an Asian fetish – shoot me okay?) and can even act a little – unlike our boy Kurt. She also likes knives because she always seems to have on in her hand early on. It seems to be some kind of weird foreplay between her and Kurt the knife thing but I just rolled with it. (and after this the knife thing is just dropped – she doesn’t touch one the rest of the film).
One thing that stands out in the training (other than the chopping jumping and kicking) is Kurt is trying to walk on his hands up a couple of flights of stairs – nobody says why he has to do such a silly thing, he just keeps trying during the entire sequence. I was reminded of Mystery Men where Ben Stiller asks “why am I wearing watermelons on my feet?” while this was going on – finally Kurt climbs the stairs – and we get to look on him from overhead as his does it. A couple of things – like the parallel bars routine, someone walking on their hands isn’t all that interesting to look at and two – the way it was filmed we discover that Kurt was wearing red underwear during the shot which we didn’t need to see - ever.
And right after that Kurt beds the Asian Babe – I don’t know maybe there was some sex position on page 329 of their version of the Karma Sutra that required him to walk on his hands that the Asian babe wanted him to try – I have a reasonably dirty mind but I can’t think of anything (no don’t send in suggestions) but anyway they seem happy. And I was happy because the boring training was over.
After that Kurt and the Asian Babe (hereafter AB cause I hate typing the same words over and over) go to the border of the country – they have to wait until the next day to cross the border so they wander the other imaginary countries bazaar (shopping, like parallel bar routines and walking on hands isn’t that interesting cinematically) until the AB is kidnapped and then rescued in a pointless plot cul de sac that does allow Kurt to kick people. The best moment is when on of Kurt’s bodyguards tells Kurt and the AB that there is some anti-American sentiment here and is then promptly shot with an arrow (people get shot with arrows a lot) thereby proving his point pretty conclusively.
Kurt and the AB enter the imaginary country and meet the Kahn and the Heavy. It seems – but it’s hard to tell – that the heavy killed Kurt’s dad earlier in the movie – we know this guys the heavy cause he has a mustache and he wears a leather vest and scowls a lot. Per the film he is planning to overthrow the Kahn and ally the country with ‘the other side’ – although why the soviet union would deal with someone who set themselves up as a Kahn himself isn’t made clear (you think about things like this during this movie) The Kahn – who kept reminding me of Mel Brooks (and didn’t look even remotely Asian I have to say – aside from AB nobody did) announces that the AB (his daughter) will marry the heavy. Kurt tries to look upset but alas he looks mostly like lunch is late.
So with all that the game begins – there are other contestants but other than some brute looking guy named Thorg (right) they are all their to be killed instead of Kurt. The race starts and then the heavy cheats and then there is much death by falling and arrows and oh yes Thorg kills one of the other contestants (why? I don’t know maybe roid rage you don’t know about a lot of things in this film).
So they run and climb and get shot with arrows until Kurt comes to the main obstacle in the game ‘the village of the crazies’ where the imaginary country has been dumping its criminally insane folks for years and years, homicidal maniacs and just nuts and all that. Actually it looks more like the village of the over acting but what can you do. There is a guy who has a hat that makes it look like he has two faces and a priest looking guy who’s robe is cut off in the back al la Prince all those years ago (another note male buttocks aren’t nearly as interesting as this director seems to think they are either).
Then there is the iconic moment in the film where Kurt surrounded on all sides by weapon wielding crazies finds that in the middle of a square there is something that looks a lot like a pummel horse – (actually during this film he keeps find this kind of thing about – overhead bars and what not – this simply is the most obvious of them) so he fights them off with a combination pummel horse routine and kicking (which makes it a lot less dull if just flat out absurd) and then just as he is at the end of this tether he is rescued by his dad – who didn’t die – but is promptly shot in the back with an arrow as father and son embrace – the man can’t catch a break. Now enraged or at least a little ticked Kurt kills the heavy. Meantime the Kahn and the AB (now attired in and Emma Peel style jump suit – note good looking women in tight jumpsuits are much more interesting than the director seems to think they are) fight the Heavy’s private army and win just as Kurt comes riding into town with his dad on the horse behind him with the arrow still sticking out of his back. AB runs to Kurt and Kurt lets go of the reigns of his father’s horse rides towards AB and scoops her up. Now I can understand the need for nookie (oh god can I) but if my dad has a damn arrow in the back that’s going to take priority for me anyway.
And that’s where the film ends – Kurt and AB smiling on Horse and Dad with arrow sticking out of his back – roll credits.
God what a stupid film – too early to hit the gin but the temptation is there.
Peace, Love, Asian Babes
Stupid. Just stupid. It’s really the only word that springs easily to mind watching this film. Dumb yeah, absurd as well, but mostly stupid.
The story such as it is – and even for a martial arts film this one is pretty thin – is there is this pretend country in the mountains of Asia (exactly where isn’t quite laid out) that would be a perfect location for a Star Wars control site or some such. (Side note – the film was made in 1985 before Star Wars became short hand for “welfare for defense contractors”) Now, because this is a martial arts film the only way that the U.S. can get permission to build in this country is win something called “The Game” when guys run around in a kind of outward bound worlds strongest man competition while guys dressed in sort kind of almost ninja robes (the red helmets don’t quite work here) chase and attempt to shoot the contestants with arrows. The winner can apparently ask anything he wants and it will be granted – except maybe ‘get me out of this movie”
So the US government taps a world championship gymnast to train to play ‘the game’ – this is the male lead played by a real gymnast Kurt Thomas who alas can’t really act that much – ah, not at all if the truth be told. Being able do wonders on the parallel bars (and by the way, gymnastic routines are just nowhere nearly as interesting as the director seems to think they are) doesn’t really translate into acting ability.
An interesting moment is where Kurt asks the agent giving him the assignment “why don’t we just invade?” foreshadowing the neo-con distain for international law years before they movement even had a name. “It’s outta style” the agent says forgetting the mention that the Russians might not like it and they have nukes – you forget the cold war algebra sometimes.
The film them has the standard kung-fu training sequence where the male lead is trained by two guys and the female lead – a.k.a. the Asian babe – who is the princess of the pretend country or some such. She’s pretty (like most American males of a certain age I do have an Asian fetish – shoot me okay?) and can even act a little – unlike our boy Kurt. She also likes knives because she always seems to have on in her hand early on. It seems to be some kind of weird foreplay between her and Kurt the knife thing but I just rolled with it. (and after this the knife thing is just dropped – she doesn’t touch one the rest of the film).
One thing that stands out in the training (other than the chopping jumping and kicking) is Kurt is trying to walk on his hands up a couple of flights of stairs – nobody says why he has to do such a silly thing, he just keeps trying during the entire sequence. I was reminded of Mystery Men where Ben Stiller asks “why am I wearing watermelons on my feet?” while this was going on – finally Kurt climbs the stairs – and we get to look on him from overhead as his does it. A couple of things – like the parallel bars routine, someone walking on their hands isn’t all that interesting to look at and two – the way it was filmed we discover that Kurt was wearing red underwear during the shot which we didn’t need to see - ever.
And right after that Kurt beds the Asian Babe – I don’t know maybe there was some sex position on page 329 of their version of the Karma Sutra that required him to walk on his hands that the Asian babe wanted him to try – I have a reasonably dirty mind but I can’t think of anything (no don’t send in suggestions) but anyway they seem happy. And I was happy because the boring training was over.
After that Kurt and the Asian Babe (hereafter AB cause I hate typing the same words over and over) go to the border of the country – they have to wait until the next day to cross the border so they wander the other imaginary countries bazaar (shopping, like parallel bar routines and walking on hands isn’t that interesting cinematically) until the AB is kidnapped and then rescued in a pointless plot cul de sac that does allow Kurt to kick people. The best moment is when on of Kurt’s bodyguards tells Kurt and the AB that there is some anti-American sentiment here and is then promptly shot with an arrow (people get shot with arrows a lot) thereby proving his point pretty conclusively.
Kurt and the AB enter the imaginary country and meet the Kahn and the Heavy. It seems – but it’s hard to tell – that the heavy killed Kurt’s dad earlier in the movie – we know this guys the heavy cause he has a mustache and he wears a leather vest and scowls a lot. Per the film he is planning to overthrow the Kahn and ally the country with ‘the other side’ – although why the soviet union would deal with someone who set themselves up as a Kahn himself isn’t made clear (you think about things like this during this movie) The Kahn – who kept reminding me of Mel Brooks (and didn’t look even remotely Asian I have to say – aside from AB nobody did) announces that the AB (his daughter) will marry the heavy. Kurt tries to look upset but alas he looks mostly like lunch is late.
So with all that the game begins – there are other contestants but other than some brute looking guy named Thorg (right) they are all their to be killed instead of Kurt. The race starts and then the heavy cheats and then there is much death by falling and arrows and oh yes Thorg kills one of the other contestants (why? I don’t know maybe roid rage you don’t know about a lot of things in this film).
So they run and climb and get shot with arrows until Kurt comes to the main obstacle in the game ‘the village of the crazies’ where the imaginary country has been dumping its criminally insane folks for years and years, homicidal maniacs and just nuts and all that. Actually it looks more like the village of the over acting but what can you do. There is a guy who has a hat that makes it look like he has two faces and a priest looking guy who’s robe is cut off in the back al la Prince all those years ago (another note male buttocks aren’t nearly as interesting as this director seems to think they are either).
Then there is the iconic moment in the film where Kurt surrounded on all sides by weapon wielding crazies finds that in the middle of a square there is something that looks a lot like a pummel horse – (actually during this film he keeps find this kind of thing about – overhead bars and what not – this simply is the most obvious of them) so he fights them off with a combination pummel horse routine and kicking (which makes it a lot less dull if just flat out absurd) and then just as he is at the end of this tether he is rescued by his dad – who didn’t die – but is promptly shot in the back with an arrow as father and son embrace – the man can’t catch a break. Now enraged or at least a little ticked Kurt kills the heavy. Meantime the Kahn and the AB (now attired in and Emma Peel style jump suit – note good looking women in tight jumpsuits are much more interesting than the director seems to think they are) fight the Heavy’s private army and win just as Kurt comes riding into town with his dad on the horse behind him with the arrow still sticking out of his back. AB runs to Kurt and Kurt lets go of the reigns of his father’s horse rides towards AB and scoops her up. Now I can understand the need for nookie (oh god can I) but if my dad has a damn arrow in the back that’s going to take priority for me anyway.
And that’s where the film ends – Kurt and AB smiling on Horse and Dad with arrow sticking out of his back – roll credits.
God what a stupid film – too early to hit the gin but the temptation is there.
Peace, Love, Asian Babes
Labels: bad movies -
posted by Unknown at 10:18 AM
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