Gig report: We get 169’ed and Post 200 (a special request)
Mad props to everybody that came Friday night – and sorry about the short set. We’re not going to be playing 169 (as much as we like the place) for a bit now. Because I feel bad – folks came in paid a cover and we played 20 minutes.
As I understood the deal we get a ½ an hour and if we get 10 people we get 10%. What happened was the first band – which was due to go on at oh 7:30 showed up at ohhhhh 7:45 and then played for ohhh 30 minutes. The act consisted of a very stiff looking young woman who attention was riveted to the music stand. This being popular music you’re not supposed to read the songs off the damn music stand (I did one but that was because we’d written the song the Saturday before and had not played it out like ever but that’s an exception to the rule).
She was partnered by a nebbish looking guy in glasses and plaid I think. I have nothing really against plaid – I’m wearing a Tartan tie as I write this but it’s not really the look I like when performing. And just to know everything you need to know about him, the bar has this 80 year old upright piano with signs all over it saying “ do not put drinks on the Piano” and “do not lean on the Piano” – and what this clown does is a) put his drink on the piano and then b) lean on it. Illiterate or a Jerk you make the call.
Well they went on and then one of our buds – Eamon went on – and things got confusing. We thought we were going to go on at 8:30 I mean after all that was what we were told in the e-mail and that was what we put on the flier, the e-mails and the myspace space. (my myspace space – say that without spitting or going all snake like on the s’s) and in the begging I did towards the end of the week.
Meantime nobody at our end had shown up – until just before the show which we discovered was now going to be 9:00 because right after Eamon – who labored under pretty adverse conditions like nobody listening to him and a guitar that was far too low to be heard over the chattering of the bar. I’m not quite like some who figures the minute I play they have to stop talking – I’d like it but honestly if you’re making time with someone keep on going, - still you’d like folks to listen at least a bit before they ignore you.
Anyway we were ready to go on after Eamon but they stuck this other guy on in front of us – who ever he was had a nice voice but it was all well all ‘I lost my girl because I’m a self absorbed jerk so I’m singing a sad song so I maybe can get some pity fuck action tonight’ type of songs. They drive me crazy, one because they are boring and two, because they work more often than they should if there was a just god and not some bored narcissistic nitwit with the attention span of gnat and a taste for mean jokes running the universe.
Anyway I was not in a good mood (the delay, a few bad days and work and then the madness of this whole well you go on now came into it – along with a few depression /frustrating personal things that I’ll just keep to myself thank you very much) so I was pretty pissed off by the time we took the stage – and we were off – bang like real fast – I think my inner Johnny Ramone took over and the Enemy Below and Spencer had to scramble to catch up – listen I know I play fast but we really were trying to stuff 40 minutes of nonsense into 30 - so off we went.
Then the moment we stopped after the second song to get our breath at which point plaid boy (remember him -the one who was sitting on the piano) comes and asks if we can do Surrender. I told him no – we have a very tight schedule and we’re doing our songs thank you – now drink your pabst and go back to you seat. I tried to be polite but the guy was just a pain. I thinking of sticking Surrender into the set after this just to piss him off – or just to say fu to him.
We did a few more songs (to great applause by the way – people were listening and not just the folks that came to see us – they were they ones singing along) and then just at oh 9:15 or so we were told we hand one song left.
Huh?
And just then Plaid boy comes up – again. Jesus I like a drink as much as the next but god in heaven know your fucking limits okay? I try to stop before I start doing stupid thinks like walk up to strange women and jabber about chaos theory to them or walk up to a band I’ve never seen and ask them to play a cover tune. (Twice)
This time the dialog went
“Play I want you to want me” (again with the cheap trick references – well when I play I do wear a Rick looking outfit still)
“We have only one song left”
“Well play that instead of it”
“Go sit down you’ve have too much.”
I’m actually not a violent guy but that clown would have been wearing a guitar for a hat if he hadn’t gone away when he did.
Well he sat down and we did the fastest angriest version of Stacy we ever did. After the show the Enemy Below was saying “you were just gone – and the pair of us were tying to keep up I can’t play that fast”
Sorry. It was bad night. The fans liked it but we can do better. And longer. So we will be playing at Otto’s May 18th – with – we hope – some special guests.
Okay Post 200 – I was going to do Plan Nine – still plan to do that but as a favor to the Enemy Below I’ll repost his favoirte post – The Red Shirt Diaries – the Ballad of Ensign Ricky of Start Fleet Security
Star Date 2411.52 – Morning, I’m very nervous today, it’s will be my first day on the Enterprise, the most famous ship in the Federation. This is a big step up. To tell the truth I’m surprised at how easy it was for me to get this post straight out of the academy, my roommate who has transferred to the science wing told me there was a 5 year wait for science officers on the Enterprise, but they took me right away.
Still this is a big day. I’m in the red uniform of a Federation Security Ensign. My mom would be so proud.
Later – my first day wasn’t quite what I expected. I was beamed aboard with fifteen other security guards. The chief of security – a nasty looking guy with an eye patch greeted us with the words “Welcome to hell you luckless bastards” then led us to our quarters. As we walked the corridors people looked at us and started going Baaa baaa like sheep.
“What was that for?” I asked.
“Lambs to the slaughter meat” the Chief said. “Just shut up. Here’s you room.”
My roommate Markus was there to greet me. He was drunk.
“Welcome to hell” he said and held out a bottle.
“I don’t drink.” I said.
“Better start” he said “You can just about stand this place if you’re drunk all the time” and then passed out.
Stardate 2422.33 – Yesterday was the first time the Captain asked for two men from security to go along on a shore party with him since I’ve been on board. I expected that in keeping with Starfleet regulations, the duty officer would pick them. But what happened was that each ensign would pick a stone out of a jar. If it was white you stayed on the ship, black meant you were in the shore party. The two picked, Ensign Gable and Ensign Rank were very upset, Gable couldn’t stop crying and Rank had to be physically forced into the transporter.
“We’ll that’s the last we’ll see of them” Markus said, taking another drink.
It turned out Markus was right – some kind of moth creature ate Gable and Rank was crushed to death by a shower of boulders. The Captain and the rest of the party, Mr. Spock and Doctor McCoy returned safely.
I think this may have been a mistake.
Stardate 2484.10 – Nobody ever mentioned just how badly Vulcans smell when you are up close them. I was just in the elevator with Mr. Spock. It was god awful. I don’t see how the Capitan stands it.
Stardate 2906.04 - .Wrenched my knee during training and went to sick bay. When I got there McCoy was yelling into the com unit “Suck my dick you half breed freak.” He was clearly very angry and kept on: “God-damn half breeds, worse than – what the hell do you want?” It was clear he was drunk, he reeked of bourbon.
Still, he bandaged my knee and took me off active duty for a while gave me some pills for the pain.
“if you don’t mind’ he said, his mood shifting at warp speed , “I think I’ll join you” at which he popped two pills into his mouth, drank more bourbon, took a shot of something out of his medical bag said “Ohhhh yeah baby! Daddy’s gonna rock tonight” and passed out.
Stardate 2456.11 – it has become obvious that the Enterprise, far from being the finest ship in the fleet is a snake pit of drunkenness and depravity. The captain terrifies everyone except for Mr. Spock with his frequent temper tantrums about trivial matters. And I can’t count the number of times I’ve had to drag the unconscious body of Commander Scott out of one of the maintenance hatches. Per Markus what Scott likes to do best is get a quart of scotch, crawl into a hatch and drink himself into oblivion.
In the security unit the morale sinks lower and lower each day as time after time men go with the Captain never to return. So far we have lost twenty three men to alien lasers, spears, firearms etc., two were eaten by some from of alien slime mold and on Reilos 5 three were taken over by Alien Life forms and had to be pushed into the lava pits that dot the planet. Meantime, the Captain, Mr. Spock and Dr. McCoy keep returning without a scratch.
Stardate 2571.59 – Markus is gone. He was absorbed by a mutant jelly. His last words to me were “I’m going to take that bastard with me.” The Captain, Mr. Spock and McCoy returned. The Captain’s shirt was torn and needed to be replaced.
Stardate – 2581.66 – Markus had warned me not to get involved with anyone on the ship “No romance for security” was his motto. “Even if you find someone,” he said, “That bastard Kirk will horn in, you can be sure as I’m standing here that will happen. There isn’t a single woman on this vessel that bastard hasn’t banged at least once. Even the ugly ones.” But Betty is such a wonderful person. When I’m with her the pain lifts a bit. I’ve been looking my whole life for someone like this.
Stardate – 2582.67- The Captain has taken a shine to Betty and I got quite upset. “He’s a hound” I said.
“Now now” she said “he likes young women. He's a pig but this is a chance for me to advance, don’t you want that?”
“Yes but”
“Listen it's not like I have a choice really he's the Captain, Still the other girls told me, all you have to do is give him a blow job once in a while. He’s really not much in the sack anyway. And it means I’ll get promoted”
“But but but”
“Now hush.”
Stardate 2583.60 - I decided to have it out with Kirk. Using my security pass I opened the door to his cabin. He was facing away from me tied up on a wooden frame and wearing a French maid’s outfit. Lt. Uhra dressed as a nun was hitting his bare buttocks with some kind of paddle. It was apparent from the marks on Kirk’s skin that this had been going on for while. With each impact, Kirk would scream “Yes! Yes! I am such a bad girl! Yes! Yes! Such a naughty naughty Girl! Spank me! Spank me! I’ve been soooo badddd mommy!”
Stardate 2584.12 – Betty is gone. She beamed down with Kirk and Spock and McCoy and two guards. I actually volunteered the Security Chief laughed at me. “Not a Chance.”
She and the other two were tortured to death by the Klingons. Kirk has a bruise on his forehead.
Stardate 2592.07 - Commander Scott came into the Security lounge drunk and sat next to me. Then he started talking to me, between the alcohol and his accent it was hard to understand exactly he was saying but it clear he was upset about the engines and the captain. He said some odd things about Mr. Spock and the Captain being too close, then put his hand on my thigh.
Stardate 2601. 04 – This is it; Widow Maker is beaming down along with the Alien Stink bomb and the Junky. I’ve picked the black stone. Bound to happen. Matter of time. My name will join the 234 others on the roll of honor in the Security Lounge. What a crock. I’m badly hung over and I need to check my phaser before I go. Lets, see, set to stun, safety off, and [transmission ends]
As I understood the deal we get a ½ an hour and if we get 10 people we get 10%. What happened was the first band – which was due to go on at oh 7:30 showed up at ohhhhh 7:45 and then played for ohhh 30 minutes. The act consisted of a very stiff looking young woman who attention was riveted to the music stand. This being popular music you’re not supposed to read the songs off the damn music stand (I did one but that was because we’d written the song the Saturday before and had not played it out like ever but that’s an exception to the rule).
She was partnered by a nebbish looking guy in glasses and plaid I think. I have nothing really against plaid – I’m wearing a Tartan tie as I write this but it’s not really the look I like when performing. And just to know everything you need to know about him, the bar has this 80 year old upright piano with signs all over it saying “ do not put drinks on the Piano” and “do not lean on the Piano” – and what this clown does is a) put his drink on the piano and then b) lean on it. Illiterate or a Jerk you make the call.
Well they went on and then one of our buds – Eamon went on – and things got confusing. We thought we were going to go on at 8:30 I mean after all that was what we were told in the e-mail and that was what we put on the flier, the e-mails and the myspace space. (my myspace space – say that without spitting or going all snake like on the s’s) and in the begging I did towards the end of the week.
Meantime nobody at our end had shown up – until just before the show which we discovered was now going to be 9:00 because right after Eamon – who labored under pretty adverse conditions like nobody listening to him and a guitar that was far too low to be heard over the chattering of the bar. I’m not quite like some who figures the minute I play they have to stop talking – I’d like it but honestly if you’re making time with someone keep on going, - still you’d like folks to listen at least a bit before they ignore you.
Anyway we were ready to go on after Eamon but they stuck this other guy on in front of us – who ever he was had a nice voice but it was all well all ‘I lost my girl because I’m a self absorbed jerk so I’m singing a sad song so I maybe can get some pity fuck action tonight’ type of songs. They drive me crazy, one because they are boring and two, because they work more often than they should if there was a just god and not some bored narcissistic nitwit with the attention span of gnat and a taste for mean jokes running the universe.
Anyway I was not in a good mood (the delay, a few bad days and work and then the madness of this whole well you go on now came into it – along with a few depression /frustrating personal things that I’ll just keep to myself thank you very much) so I was pretty pissed off by the time we took the stage – and we were off – bang like real fast – I think my inner Johnny Ramone took over and the Enemy Below and Spencer had to scramble to catch up – listen I know I play fast but we really were trying to stuff 40 minutes of nonsense into 30 - so off we went.
Then the moment we stopped after the second song to get our breath at which point plaid boy (remember him -the one who was sitting on the piano) comes and asks if we can do Surrender. I told him no – we have a very tight schedule and we’re doing our songs thank you – now drink your pabst and go back to you seat. I tried to be polite but the guy was just a pain. I thinking of sticking Surrender into the set after this just to piss him off – or just to say fu to him.
We did a few more songs (to great applause by the way – people were listening and not just the folks that came to see us – they were they ones singing along) and then just at oh 9:15 or so we were told we hand one song left.
Huh?
And just then Plaid boy comes up – again. Jesus I like a drink as much as the next but god in heaven know your fucking limits okay? I try to stop before I start doing stupid thinks like walk up to strange women and jabber about chaos theory to them or walk up to a band I’ve never seen and ask them to play a cover tune. (Twice)
This time the dialog went
“Play I want you to want me” (again with the cheap trick references – well when I play I do wear a Rick looking outfit still)
“We have only one song left”
“Well play that instead of it”
“Go sit down you’ve have too much.”
I’m actually not a violent guy but that clown would have been wearing a guitar for a hat if he hadn’t gone away when he did.
Well he sat down and we did the fastest angriest version of Stacy we ever did. After the show the Enemy Below was saying “you were just gone – and the pair of us were tying to keep up I can’t play that fast”
Sorry. It was bad night. The fans liked it but we can do better. And longer. So we will be playing at Otto’s May 18th – with – we hope – some special guests.
Okay Post 200 – I was going to do Plan Nine – still plan to do that but as a favor to the Enemy Below I’ll repost his favoirte post – The Red Shirt Diaries – the Ballad of Ensign Ricky of Start Fleet Security
Star Date 2411.52 – Morning, I’m very nervous today, it’s will be my first day on the Enterprise, the most famous ship in the Federation. This is a big step up. To tell the truth I’m surprised at how easy it was for me to get this post straight out of the academy, my roommate who has transferred to the science wing told me there was a 5 year wait for science officers on the Enterprise, but they took me right away.
Still this is a big day. I’m in the red uniform of a Federation Security Ensign. My mom would be so proud.
Later – my first day wasn’t quite what I expected. I was beamed aboard with fifteen other security guards. The chief of security – a nasty looking guy with an eye patch greeted us with the words “Welcome to hell you luckless bastards” then led us to our quarters. As we walked the corridors people looked at us and started going Baaa baaa like sheep.
“What was that for?” I asked.
“Lambs to the slaughter meat” the Chief said. “Just shut up. Here’s you room.”
My roommate Markus was there to greet me. He was drunk.
“Welcome to hell” he said and held out a bottle.
“I don’t drink.” I said.
“Better start” he said “You can just about stand this place if you’re drunk all the time” and then passed out.
Stardate 2422.33 – Yesterday was the first time the Captain asked for two men from security to go along on a shore party with him since I’ve been on board. I expected that in keeping with Starfleet regulations, the duty officer would pick them. But what happened was that each ensign would pick a stone out of a jar. If it was white you stayed on the ship, black meant you were in the shore party. The two picked, Ensign Gable and Ensign Rank were very upset, Gable couldn’t stop crying and Rank had to be physically forced into the transporter.
“We’ll that’s the last we’ll see of them” Markus said, taking another drink.
It turned out Markus was right – some kind of moth creature ate Gable and Rank was crushed to death by a shower of boulders. The Captain and the rest of the party, Mr. Spock and Doctor McCoy returned safely.
I think this may have been a mistake.
Stardate 2484.10 – Nobody ever mentioned just how badly Vulcans smell when you are up close them. I was just in the elevator with Mr. Spock. It was god awful. I don’t see how the Capitan stands it.
Stardate 2906.04 - .Wrenched my knee during training and went to sick bay. When I got there McCoy was yelling into the com unit “Suck my dick you half breed freak.” He was clearly very angry and kept on: “God-damn half breeds, worse than – what the hell do you want?” It was clear he was drunk, he reeked of bourbon.
Still, he bandaged my knee and took me off active duty for a while gave me some pills for the pain.
“if you don’t mind’ he said, his mood shifting at warp speed , “I think I’ll join you” at which he popped two pills into his mouth, drank more bourbon, took a shot of something out of his medical bag said “Ohhhh yeah baby! Daddy’s gonna rock tonight” and passed out.
Stardate 2456.11 – it has become obvious that the Enterprise, far from being the finest ship in the fleet is a snake pit of drunkenness and depravity. The captain terrifies everyone except for Mr. Spock with his frequent temper tantrums about trivial matters. And I can’t count the number of times I’ve had to drag the unconscious body of Commander Scott out of one of the maintenance hatches. Per Markus what Scott likes to do best is get a quart of scotch, crawl into a hatch and drink himself into oblivion.
In the security unit the morale sinks lower and lower each day as time after time men go with the Captain never to return. So far we have lost twenty three men to alien lasers, spears, firearms etc., two were eaten by some from of alien slime mold and on Reilos 5 three were taken over by Alien Life forms and had to be pushed into the lava pits that dot the planet. Meantime, the Captain, Mr. Spock and Dr. McCoy keep returning without a scratch.
Stardate 2571.59 – Markus is gone. He was absorbed by a mutant jelly. His last words to me were “I’m going to take that bastard with me.” The Captain, Mr. Spock and McCoy returned. The Captain’s shirt was torn and needed to be replaced.
Stardate – 2581.66 – Markus had warned me not to get involved with anyone on the ship “No romance for security” was his motto. “Even if you find someone,” he said, “That bastard Kirk will horn in, you can be sure as I’m standing here that will happen. There isn’t a single woman on this vessel that bastard hasn’t banged at least once. Even the ugly ones.” But Betty is such a wonderful person. When I’m with her the pain lifts a bit. I’ve been looking my whole life for someone like this.
Stardate – 2582.67- The Captain has taken a shine to Betty and I got quite upset. “He’s a hound” I said.
“Now now” she said “he likes young women. He's a pig but this is a chance for me to advance, don’t you want that?”
“Yes but”
“Listen it's not like I have a choice really he's the Captain, Still the other girls told me, all you have to do is give him a blow job once in a while. He’s really not much in the sack anyway. And it means I’ll get promoted”
“But but but”
“Now hush.”
Stardate 2583.60 - I decided to have it out with Kirk. Using my security pass I opened the door to his cabin. He was facing away from me tied up on a wooden frame and wearing a French maid’s outfit. Lt. Uhra dressed as a nun was hitting his bare buttocks with some kind of paddle. It was apparent from the marks on Kirk’s skin that this had been going on for while. With each impact, Kirk would scream “Yes! Yes! I am such a bad girl! Yes! Yes! Such a naughty naughty Girl! Spank me! Spank me! I’ve been soooo badddd mommy!”
Stardate 2584.12 – Betty is gone. She beamed down with Kirk and Spock and McCoy and two guards. I actually volunteered the Security Chief laughed at me. “Not a Chance.”
She and the other two were tortured to death by the Klingons. Kirk has a bruise on his forehead.
Stardate 2592.07 - Commander Scott came into the Security lounge drunk and sat next to me. Then he started talking to me, between the alcohol and his accent it was hard to understand exactly he was saying but it clear he was upset about the engines and the captain. He said some odd things about Mr. Spock and the Captain being too close, then put his hand on my thigh.
Stardate 2601. 04 – This is it; Widow Maker is beaming down along with the Alien Stink bomb and the Junky. I’ve picked the black stone. Bound to happen. Matter of time. My name will join the 234 others on the roll of honor in the Security Lounge. What a crock. I’m badly hung over and I need to check my phaser before I go. Lets, see, set to stun, safety off, and [transmission ends]
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