Memories of Bolero

I saw this in the theater when it came out 1984 - I was between full time jobs then, working part time here and there – even doing telephone sales. Anyway I had some time to kill and bit of extra money and I’d read how horrible this film was so I went to go see it (like a total idiot – I mean what kind of moron goes to see films because he’d heard how bad they were? I ask you.) It was an after noon showing – beside me there were 8 people in the theater. Six Japanese Businessmen sat all in a row in the middle of the theater, and two other guys in the back and me off in the corner. Total of nine.

Side note: I’ve been told that in Japan having a blonde female assistant/secretary is a sign of high status – like you’re the head of Sony or something. I can’t vouch for the truth of that but there were those six Japanese businessmen (all in very similar looking suits) sitting there waiting for Bo drop trou.

Bolero stared Bo Derek and was directed by the creepy John Derek. Bo was John’s 3rd and last wife, after Ursula Andress and Linda Evans. John had ditched Ursula for the younger Linda Evans and then ditched her for Derek. What’s even creepier is they all looked a hell of a lot alike – Blonde, tall, sharp features huge rack. It was like he got a new model when the current one got too old – and then, with Evans and Derek had them have surgery too look more like his ideal. Like I said it’s creepy. There is something deeply disturbing about it, in almost Freudian sense but I’m not going there – I’ve had enough damage to my soul with the GOP gay scandals these last few weeks to even speculate what issues John had to act the way he did – I’d have to wash my brain with bleach again if I did.

Anyway the movie’s purpose (as was Tarzan the Ape Man Bo’s Horrible 1981 movie) was to show off Bo Derek’s body. Which was a good plan cause merciful heavens she couldn’t act a lick, I mean not at all. And she couldn’t move real well either. Whereas say Dina Rigg or Audrey Hepburn always moved with grace and elegance, you worried that Bo was going walk into something.

Wack
“Cut – okay honey try it again”
“But it hurts”
“Buck up honey, it’ll be lunch soon.” Pause “Okay someone help her up”
“It hurts”
“Okay okay – bill cut the tree down”
“Ah sir we can’t do that,”
“She’s walked into it three times already; we’re running out of light here.”
“I’ll see what we can do.”
”Okay”

The story, such as it is, is set in the 1920s, Ms. Derek, a virgin, has recently graduated from a fine women’s college and is now in pursuit of sexual ecstasy – which she insists is spelled with an x i.e., “extasy”

No I’m not kidding - it’s part of the relentless parade of the big stupid that is this movie.
After much tedious tooing and frowing with no reason other than to get Bo naked and in one case covered with honey (it’s not worth bothering about it trust me – Bo, when she moves or talks effortlessly shatters whatever erotic tension that is there. I suspect the director of 10 used that on purpose to great effect in that movie – the turning point of that movie is when Bo starts talking to Dudley and all his illusions are shattered -) Bo discovers the love of her life, a Bolero – who’s job it is to ride a horse during a bull fight and stick spears in the neck of a bull. (Even in 84 real bullfighting was cringe inducing – so for the movie the bull had a cork target on his back that the Bolero tossed his spears into). So she and the Bolero go and make with the humpty hump – and Bo’s friend makes with the humpty hump with a Scotsman who wasn’t wearing a stitch under his kilt – I don’t much find full screen shots o’ male buttocks that interesting – but none of this movie was interesting. And even George Kennedy – who should be ashamed he was in this piece of garbage makes with the humpty hump with a lady closer to his age – we don’t see George drop trou – thank the lord for small favors - they would have found me huddled in a ball whimpering if that had happened.

So it looks like everything is going to be just wonderful but then – plot point to set up the last 3rd of the picture – the Bolero gets stabbed by a bull in the worst possible place and Mr. Happy doesn’t work any more - so no more humpty hump for Bo. Bo is sad. We were sad too cause this meant the movie was going to go on and on and on and on. After a long time where Bo is sad - the wound heals but Mr. Happy does not want to come out and play – so Bo decides to try and shall we say encourage Mr. Happy.

It’s the early morning – the Bolero comes into the bull ring – In the bull ring is Bo on a horse, gaucho hat on her head, wearing a poncho – she rides the horse a bit, the flips the poncho off and tosses it to the Bolero and rides a bit more bare assed bareback (cure heavy romantic soft core porn music) – then she pulls up to the bolero. He looks at her, looks at the horse, hands her the poncho, then sadly walks away.

“You’re a hard man to seduce.” She says.

Only if you heard this can you know the true utter insipid cosmic vapidity with which she delivered this line. Once watching this film with my brother (who didn’t believe just how bad it was) we got this point, and he fell off the couch he was laughing so hard

“Put it back! Put it back! I have to hear that again!” he said and then dissolved into helpless laughter – we watched it about three more times and then went on to the climax.

In the end – Mr. Happy is back and the Bolero and Bo once again make with the humpy hump Bo claps when it happens - I am not making that up either. (not even the sex scenes are arousing in this heap – there is no chemistry between the two stars – the Bolero could have been screwing a robot for all the life in Bo’s responses - except for the applause which was just weird) So they are making with the humpty hump and as they do the room starts to fill up with what looks like steam.

Back in the theater I remember thinking – what the? When this happened. I had resisted the urge to walk out – by god I was going to stay until the damn end of this film even if it killed me – and it was coming close – when the steam thing started. I was started out of my bad movie torpor by it to pay close attention.

The steam continues to fill the room until it becomes clear that the couple are now floating on a cloud and behind them, I assume on an adjoining cloud, is a neon sign flashing on and off spelling out the word ecstasy with an x – "extasy".

I am not making that up – it was why showed my brother the film – I wish to god I was making it up. Go get it from Net flix if you have any doubts just don’t blame me for the damage it causes you.

So there are Bo and the Bolero, having sex on this cloud with the neon sign behind them flashing on and off. And I’m sitting in the theater thinking “This is it .No doubt about it. This is the STUPIDEST thing I have ever seen.”

The cloud parts they finish with the humpty hump and the credits rolled. But to this day, with all the horrible films I have seen since, nothing, nothing has ever come close to the cosmic uber stupid that was the cloud scene with the flashing neon light in bolero, not Manos, not Plan 9, not Matingo, The Fungus of Terror, not From Hell it Came, not Mesa of the Lost Women, not Battlefield Earth - nothing. It is a giant black hole of stupid about which all the other stupid revolves like the dark heart of the Milky Way Galaxy. Even thinking about this makes my brain start to whimper and scratch at the back of my skull looking for a way out.

Next on Tap – Mesa of Lost Women - and junk about the Cramps (this is a band blog yes? Writing about music from time to time would help yes?)

Also as of today I will be cross posting this in the Bob Muir and the Enemy Below space on My space as well. So if Blogger is out (as it can be from time to time) you can look at it there.

Peace Love Shonen Knife.