Glen or Glenda or whatever

I said I was not going to mock Ed Wood – he was too sad a case, too well too much like all of us to mock.

That is not to say that Glen or Glenda isn’t a weird ass film it’s just well Ed’s heart was in the right place.

It was his head that didn’t work so well.

I’m honestly not quite sure what Ed was trying to do here, there is a plea for understanding (a lot of pleas for understanding to tell the truth – a whole lot of them, many many many pleas for understanding so many you stop understanding and start thinking how much fun and how much less effort being a bastard is really – cause when you get down to it, part of the appeal of being rotten is that is it is so much less work. Say, someone drops something you just keep on moving, no risk to the back that way.

I digress.

Anyway this film is hard to write about because the narrative does not really proceed in a conventional form. It sometimes feels like the narrative doesn’t proceed much at all as stagger about looking for way out of the film.

It starts with Bela Lugosi sitting in a kind of tower chair in room filed with what looks lkike stuff looted from a fortune teller – he mutters some of what people have come to know as Ed Wood’s inimitable dialogue style. Then there is thunder then Bela is mixing some chemicals then says “a new life has begun”. He also says “pull the string here” and no I’m not sure what it means Well okay Bela, are we going to see this new life anytime soon?

Well guess not because we are treated to a dead man in drag. Which is not what I think of when I hear “a new life has begun” but anyway we have a suicide some confused milling about by Ed Wood Extras and then while the Detective reads the suicide note there is an inexplicable shot of the apartment’s steam radiator – I have no idea at all why this showed up. It’s intriguing in a pointless way to wonder but I assume Ed had no other shot to use so in she went.

Then we are in an office where a doctor is talking to the Detective about the suicide. The scene’s pretty static and dull but sets up the story of Glen – but we don’t go there yet – we get more stuff about the story and then Bela shows up and starts yelling – the story has begun – well I should hope so this is a movie and you expect a story in a film you know.

Well we get the first shot of Ed in Drag – and - well, even in the world were Eddie Izzard and Ru Paul are on TV it’s a bit of a shock cause, Ed doesn’t look that much like a woman, what he looks like is a linebacker in a dress – Johnny Depp is a smaller man than Ed was so actually he was able to pull it off better.

There is some kind of weird stock film use while voice discuss airplanes and cars – what that has to do with transgender or wearing woman’s clothes is a bit elusive but I guess, like the shot of the radiator, Ed had the film so in they go.

“Nature makes mistakes” the doctor says – my notes here say “Ed in a dress is a mistake”

Side note – I realized that I had no life when I was making notes while watching Glen or Glenda – it’s even more depressing to realize I’m not even the first person to do that as sad as that sounds.

Then the doctor goes off on a tangent about how much more comfortable women’s clothing is than Men’s clothing is, he talks about it a lot, a very long time – long enough for me to get to a soda while he was jabbering about this. It’s just another odd note in a very odd film. I don’t care how much more comfortable a woman’s robe is – Ed on the other hand cares a lot.

And then we have another Huh? Moment – we see a guy dancing in what is the fakest African mask I have ever seen in my life while 3-4 women dance around him. I can’t tell if this was stock footage or Ed shot this – it’s badly shot enough to be Ed’s work. While you are struggling to figure out what the hell is going on, the doc drones on about male birds having brighter feathers – again the link between this and wearing an angora sweater is a bit elusive.

Then we have the first of about 18 shots of a news paper the headline “world shocked by sex change” – The guy from the Razzies suggested using Glen or Glenda as a drinking game downing a shot each time the headline shows up – and it shows up a lot. So good luck if you try that.

Then, in the course of laying out Ed’s relationship with his girlfriend – the doc starts to overheat when describing the angora sweater – Ed really really likes the sweater – I was getting the impression that the only reason this guy was with this woman was that she had an angora sweater.

At this point Glen in wrestling with do I tell her or not – and for some reason there is a buffalo stampede after the girlfriend asks if there is another woman. No I don’t get it either. Again he had the shot so in it went.

Then there is lightning then thunder then bela then shots of a steel mill and a plea for understanding and my head is starting to hurt – then Glen almost buys a nightgown – this scene is more than a little creepy – then another shot of the sex change headline – then a side story about another guy in drag – then Glen as Glenda is wandering about, then more thunder and I start to lose touch with the film – my notes now start to wander away from the subject at hand – I see things like “must buy coffee filters” “Party Saturday” Then “Bela yammering about puppy dog tails and big fat snails” then “need to get new Bob Dylan album this weekend”

There is a prolonged dream sequence or something that starts out with the girlfriend trapped under a tree branch in the middle of their living room – no I don’t get it either. Then there is a wedding scene and a guy who is made up like the devil stands beside the minister while the couple state their vows and then we see woman laying on couch being hit by a belt wielding shirtless guy.

Nope don’t get this either – the dream sequence drags on for about 20 minutes – long enough to make a nice tuna sandwich – where the main message as far as I can see is don’t take naps – one women get’s tied up and another is attacked while she sleeps on the same – it’s a bit of a muddle. The guy who looks like the devil wanders about – Bela is shot like he's a guy in Porno Theater watching this stuff. Then Glen is menaced /surrounded by accusing figures from somewhere – where I don’t know we’ve never seen these people before – How about some cookies? Yeah cookies.

After more just drop dead strange moments – really its like a Martian had shot this film things just don’t make sense you try and try and then you got for ice cream or maybe a good shot of gin to take the edge off cause your head hurts and life seems just a confused absurd farce written by confused and befuddled deity.

Finally Ed confesses to his girlfriend about his habit, she doesn’t take the news well but after a moment – in the iconic scene from the film she hands him her angora sweater – it would have been a better moment if the doc hadn’t been giving a play by play account of what was going on – he’s more like it’s describing the film for radio than narrating

You’d think the film would end then but nooooooo we have another story – this time of a transgender person – it’s pretty drab after the belt hitting, Bela speaking about snails and women in danger on couches so I won’t bother you with it. My notes (god how lame is this) read “end! End! In the name of god End!”

After that we go back to Glen who, we are told, has found happiness with his new bride – who per the doc is “his mother, his sister and his wife and Glenda” which I’m sorry is really damn sick. I’d rather he be in a dress to be honest.

One more shot of the Sex Change headline – my notes read “what did they just stop publishing after this issue? Did this all happen in a day? Come on.”

Then Bela again talking about snails – don’t know why, not a clue by this time I was wondering if why there hadn’t been an irrelevant stock footage shot for a while.

Then came the credits – and I briefly thought of shaving my head, leaving everything behind and joining a Zen monastery were they didn’t show movies. Ever.

This is a film to borrow a quote about another book “shows what reality looks like from the other side”

I have had a request to write about the Brittany Spears Film Crossroads (AHHHHHHH!!!! IT BURNS!!!!! IT BURNS!!!!!!) – Which I suppose is just punishment for having opened up this can of worms in the first place. I’ll do it of course she’s a friend and she’s cute so me being me, I’ll pretty much do anything she wants, and what with Brittany in the news it’s almost topical but still – it BURNS!!!!!!

Later.

Peace Love Shonen Knife.