More adventures with teh dumb & Battlefield Earth

This morning, walking to work I noticed that some nitwit was standing in the middle of 7th Avenue against the light near Penn station taking a picture of a Maker’s Mark Whiskey Billboard.

For god’s sake – if you’re going to risk your life to take a picture at least be of something other than an advertising sign for Christ’s sake.

Anyway, since he was obviously a tourist – a native does not stand in the middle of 7th avenue against the light to take a picture – hell someone who’s been here two weeks doesn’t do anything that stupid. I figured he needed a good Nu Yawk multicultural experience so I yelled

“Hey schmuck, for Christ’s sake wait for the light you gonna do something like that.’

And then I added one of my favorite Yiddish words – “putz’.

Actually I don’t mind people doing stupid and dangerous things. I do mind having them do it while I’m around. Cause if something bad happens I’m going to have to be one explaining it to the police.

“So he was taking a picture.”
“Standing in the middle of street.”
“Yes.”
‘Didn’t he see the bus?”
“I don’t know. I assume he was concentrating on the picture.”
“Putz.”

Meantime in more adventures with the stupid – it seems there was a huge smack down on W delivered by Jim Baker in his role of Bush Family fixer in the oval office. (The following dialogue is maybe a bit speculative.)

Baker: Nobody likes you. Do you understand? People hate you.
W: people love me. I leader. They love leader.
Baker: listen ape you’re a cheerleader not a leader.
W: (goes into fetal position and begins to rock back and forth) I decider. I decider.
Baker: What the hell is this?
Aide; He gets like this when someone tells him the truth. You might as well talk to me; you won’t get much out of him for the next half hour or so.
Cheney: If I could put a word in here
Baker: Shut up deadeye. I’m here to save monkey boy because his father pays me. You? You I will toss under a bus the second I think it’s necessary to save the ape’s reputation.
Cheney: I
Baker: Shut up –now. You’re part of the problem here. Jesus I’ve spent my life dragging the Bushes’ asses out of fires.
Aide: At least the pays good.
Baker: And I don’t need any smart talk from you.
Aide: Well sir, it’s the only smart talk you’ll hear in this room.
Baker: (sighs) You’re right. Now where the hell is that Donald idiot?
W: Me want Condi, she love me. She say I leader.
Baker: I was done with this. But he said please just one more time – help him out. Weakness that what it just weakness.

And so on.

Anyway – Battlefield Earth.

This has been called Plan Nine From Outer Space with a budget and that’s pretty accurate. It’s one of the worst mainstream films ever made – I still post Bolero and the Exorcist part two as worse. But lord it is horrible and just so so so stupid.

It is based on a book by L. Ron Hubbard who in addition to writing a lot of science fiction also invented/founded/discovered the church of Scientology which numbers Tom Cruise and Jon Travolta among its members.

I know next to nothing about Scientology – but judging from these two – there seems to be a commandment that at some point you have to do idiotic things to wreck you careers – Tom with his couch jumping and other too strange to be done by a sane person actions and Travolta with this movie.

I was never a fan of Jon – like ever – didn’t like him in Welcome back Kotter and in Saturday Night Fever – which still represents to me the nadir of western civilization– the disco era. It took me a while to see pulp Fiction cause he was in it. ‘Oh come on – you’ll like it.” My brother said trying to get me to watch it ‘he gets shot in it.’

Anyway Jon was at the top of his comeback and decided it was time to do the dream project. I think everybody in Hollywood has their dream project – that if someone came to them and said – what do you want to do, this would be it.

If I ever get to that point (not bloody likely but you never know) but if you hear I’m doing Bikini Zombies know that some idiot has asked me well what do you want to do now, I’ll pay.

Dream projects – like Peter Jackson’s remake of King Kong, and the shot by shot remake of Psycho do not have happy outcomes by and large – Battlefield Earth is no exception.

The story opens – it is the year 3000 – the earth had been conquered by the Psychlos about the year 2000. The Psychlos are taller that humans, stronger and vastly more intelligent, they have conquered all sorts of planets we are told. Well okay – the first thing is that is implied is that they are taller because the gravity on their home planet is stronger. Well bunky if they did evolve on a planet where the gravity is stronger it is far more likely that they would be SHORTER since pumping blood against gravity is hard work and nature doesn’t work that hard except if it has a good reason. But never mind that.

The story concerns a guy named Johnny who leaves his human tribe (humans are in scattered isolated groups and have reverted to the stone age – well okay it’s been a thousand years but still would they all speak the exact same style of English? You wonder about stuff like this watching this movie). And discovers the Psychlos who desire gold above all else. Why – who the hell knows – its one of the strands of the story they never bother to explain it just is. Who apparently have forgotten in a thousand years that human beings build the ruined cities – or maybe not – it’s hard to tell. Still as the laborious plot develops – Johnny is captured along with some others and has his brain power increased by the Psychlos – and goes off to mine gold for them.

Jon Travolta plays Trel the lead Psychlo (I assume Ron thought up that name) heavy in the picture. The Psychlos all look like some weird Klingon/Rasta combo – and since the actors are all walking on extender boots to give them an extra foot or so of height – they all walk like they are on stilts i.e. very very slowly and carefully. I’m willing to bet that the outtakes featured a lot of actors falling off their shoes. Not a chance of seeing them but it’s fun to imagine. Small point – again if they had been from a high gravity planet they would be bouncing around like Neil Armstrong on the moon. Damn that science.

Jon overacts like only Jon can over act – with the Klingon/Rasta hair and the boots and the heavy metal fetish leather gear making it that much worse to look at.

Anyway – to warp this up quickly – Johnny and his band are sent by Trel to mine gold in an area where the radiation is to high for Psychlos – it is explained that ‘radiation’ will make the psychlo’s home planet atmosphere blow up. This is the stupidest part of a very stupid movie. Stars emits radiation – gamma rays and what not – Naturally occurring uranium emits radiation. By all rights even supposing that psychlo’s home planet had such a thing, their atmosphere would have caught fire about 11 seconds after their sun’s light hit it.

On we go – Johnny and his gang go into the mountains but they are not going to mine the gold they and some other helpers recruited in the toing and frowing earlier are only going to pretend to mine the gold – they are going to a) go to fort Knox to get the gold there –and b) get a nuclear bomb – which they will explode after they transport it to the Psychlo’s home planet (using a star trek like transporter). Trel is easily fooled even though he has them under constanr surveillance –so who the hell else did these people conquer the Vogons?

Johnny finds Fort Knox and the Gold intact – then finds a bomb and then finds 1,000 year old Hawker Harriers – which the cave men manage to figure out how to fly in a week – and I begin to wonder if not only knowing nothing about science is required to do science fiction, but you can’t know a damn thing about anything – like how volatile jet fuel is and how likely 1,000 year old jets could fly and 1,000 year old M-16’s could shoot.

The gold – in bars – mind you. Fools Jon – Jesus even the Vogons would wipe the floor with these clowns – how about a race of intelligent beings evolved from Tennessee fainting goats – The Psychlos might have a fighting chance with them. Maybe.

After much shooting very expensive (but not good. Lord not good) CGI effects the Alien’s are defeated, their home world blown up – again even assuming for an instant that their atmosphere could be set on fire – how the hell is that going to damage the core? Sweet mother of babbling god was everybody involved with this film an idiot? Looks lake it.

At the end Jon in imprisoned in a cage in Fort Knox amidst billions of dollars in gold – why? Because he had the movie made so he can’t die even if he is the bad guy. I suppose it was supposed to ironic but as they pulled away I wondered where’s his port-o-potty? This film makes you think things like that. And that is why I hate it so. That I wasted a second thinking about an alien’s port-o-potty.

Peace Love Shonen Knife – we’ll be at the Martz tonight singing.

Please leave comments – even a “god you suck’ would mean I’m making contact somehow.

Again next gig is at 12/8 at Otto’s tell your friends. If you don’t have friends, use the power of the internet and make some and then tell them.