Ro-Man and woman

Well as the odd companion to Crossroads (see last entry) this weekend I also watched Robot Monster – a 1953 grade Z sic-fi movie (shot in 3-d however) that is memorable mostly for the hideously absurd figure of Ro-man – a man in a gorilla suit wearing a plastic space helmet.

Add to that the Ro-man’s advanced Scientific equipment (including N.A Fischer Chemical Products, Inc.’s “automatic billion bubble machine” which is sitting in a cave on top of is obviously a library table, spewing out - what else - bubbles - you have damn near a template for a bad film. Add to this the wooden acting of the rest of the cast and the strange over the top absurdity of the dialogue and the silly story you have a bad movie classic. The guys at Mystery Science Fiction Theater 3000 picked this as one of the films they did in the first season for a reason.

The film starts with the credits rolling over a back drop of comic book covers from the 50’s (I am assuming these date from before the book “The Seduction of the Innocent” and the general hysteria over comic books – the violent video games of their day. Side note: Sweet Jesus on stick Hilary with an endless disaster in Iraq, a President who seems to be on the edge of a mental breakdown, NY tense and nervous because an unarmed young man got gunned down by the police, and the horrid stench of corruption coming from DC you chose NOW to fuss about Rockstar Games? The instant I finish this report I’m going to plug vice city into my machine and run some electronic non-player characters over. Just for old time’s sake. Again don’t you have anything better to do with your time? - end side note)

As the credits fade we see a young boy wearing a plastic space helmet firing his toy gun – his sister is sitting on a rock holding a doll waiting for him. He pretends to shoot her she asks if they can play house and already we hate two people. The boy cause he’s a jerk and the girl cause all she does is whine. Just as they are about to move off, the boy reaches into his pocket and blows some bubbles. I assume the director Phil Tucker, was trying for some kind of link with the billion bubble machine of the Ro-man but I didn’t notice this until the 4th time I saw the film and trust me, most people aren’t going to see this film 4 times – even I can’t believe I’ve seen the film 4 times. That’s pretty depressing to think about.

Enough of the desert of my private life – onward.

We meet the rest of the cast – a scientist and his assistant and the kids mother and older sister or aunt (it’s not clear) they mother, aunt and the kids have a picnic – the location for the film is pretty dismal spot (Bronson Caves/Canyon used in about a billion cheap films) – that in real life only someone suffering from depression would think of this as good spot for a picnic. Then they nap – well actually they look like they were gunned down as they were eating – but little Johnny (that’s his name) gets up and scampers away (he does that a lot) and hits his head on some rocks near a cave.

Alas he’s not dead – but he starts to see stock footage from One Million years bc and other sic-fi films with dinosaurs in them –why? Damned if I know.

After some more pointless stock shots – including the ever popular here is a glowing ball of fire heading for the camera (this was shot in 3-D remember).

And then with the effect of the film turning negative and back (this happens a lot) the ro-man emerges and the viewers response is “that’s it, tomorrow we hit the gym – no more excuses – I mean look at him”

The guy’s fat. Like need to cut some weight fat.

And there is the helmet. Phil Tucker was trying to get someone with a robot suit to play the ro-man but he couldn’t afford it so he figured he’d hire George Barrow who had an ape suit and had been in about every film in Hollywood during the 40’s and 50’s with an ape (and there were a lot – Hollywood had a weird thing for monkeys in those days) – and popped a sea diver helmet on top of him with a couple antenna on the top. “And it worked” he said in an interview.

It didn’t work. It’s an icon, but not in a good way.

So what the story now is that Johnny along with the scientist, the mother the girl (Alice) the guy and Johnny’s sister are the among the last survivors of the human race, the rest killed by the death ray of the Ro-man, (cheerful premise yes? It gets better).

Meantime Ro-man is not having a good time of it. He was under the impression that his job was done but his boss the Great One (oh like he isn’t over compensating for self esteem issues), tells him that there are survivors.

Great One: Have you made the correction?
Ro-Man: I need guidance, Great One. For the first time in my life, I am not sure.
Great One: You sound like a hu-man, not a Ro-Man. Can you not verify a fact?
Ro-Man: I meshed my LIP with the view-screen auditor, and picked up a count of five.
Great One: Error! Error! There are eight!

I started to sympathize with Ro-man right here. We’ve all had to deal with a boss whose only real joy was to point out our mistakes. It’s humiliating what we will put up for a buck or two isn’t it?

I digress – sorry it’s easier to digress than to write about this rotten film.

So Ro-man is tasked with killing the rest of the humans who seem immune to his death ray (the calcinator death ray to be exact – and why not). They are immune - the reason is not important – they just are.

There is some tooing and frowing and the Ro-man spends a lot of time wandering the canyon – which in that suit had to hot as hell – still you felt good because he was trying to get some exercise.

Both the humans and the Ro-man have video screens so they are able to see each other when they both want. During one of these exchanges Ro-man catches sight of Alice and starts to feel ‘something’. He begins to desire.

Then the Ro-man foils the last chance humanity has: the last two other survivors take off in stock footage V-2 to join up with the men on the ‘space platform’ – which is, I kid you not – a space ship mounted and stick and spun around by one of the movie’s crew – it’s a worse effect than the Plan Nine From Outer Space pie plate flying saucers – really you can see the guy’s hand holding the stick that the model is attached to just before it blows up.

So humanity is doomed – (this is really a bleak film at its rotten little heart) but Alice and the guy get married, then they wander off to do the wild thing – but not before the little girl runs after them to give Alice flowers. They smile and say she should hurry back to her folks. But since they want to get busy they don’t walk her back and she runs smack into Ro-man who kills her. (Thank you movie).

The mother and the professor and little Johnny find the girls body and bury her. Johnny says “I wish I had played house with her more” the Professor rather than whacking Johnny over the head with a shovel (did I tell you how much I hate this kid?) makes some speech about having to go on. Right.

Meantime the only realistic hope for a new generation after doing the nasty (implied) run into Ro-man – he kills the guy and takes Alice back to the cave. Cause he wants her. (A long and very serious essay could be written about this apes taking women off image in Hollywood – it’s neurotic and sick and deals with sex and guilt and shame and projection. Actually I’d be surprised if it hasn’t already been written – ah well onward).

After he ties up Alice and paws her a bit (did these people has issues or what,?) then the screen rings – it’s the Great One (of course) so the Ro-man has a confrontation with the Great One – I have to quote again:

Great One: Earth Ro-Man, you violate the laws of plans. To think for yourself is to be like the hu-man.
Ro-Man: Yes! To be like the hu-man! To laugh! Feel! Want! Why are these things not in the plan?
Great One: You are an extension of the Ro-Man, and a Ro-Man you will remain. Now, I set you into motion. One: destroy the girl. Two: destroy the family. Fail, and I will destroy you!

At this Ro-man does not kill the girl but he does go after Johnny who is trying to tempt him away from the cave so they can rescue Alice. Then just as Ro-man is strangling Johnny (and I’m thinking yes yes yes!) the Great One gets really p.o.ed and flings stock footage at the earth – yes we go back to the One Million Years BC footage and the other bits we had seen earlier.

Why? I don’t know.

Then the screen goes black and returns – it turns out, it was all a dream that little Johnny had when he was hit on the head with a rock – everybody is safe and well and there is no Ro-man. Frankly that disturbs me a lot – analyzing the dream you have Johnny wishing the entire planet earth dead, especially his younger sister, while harboring some kind of quasi rape fantasy about his older sister. This is one sick kid. I recommend commitment to a lock down ward in a mental hospital.

The happy group all walk away and one more time the screen flashes and Ro-man emerges from the cave, and then does it again and then again.

Why? I don’t know – listen I have enough troubles without trying to figure out some lunatic B-movie.

Last Ro-Man quote:

Ro-Man: I cannot - yet I must. How do you calculate that? At what point on the graph do "must" and "cannot" meet? Yet I must - but I cannot!