WE HAVE A GIG & BAD JOBS

New gig – 10/7/06 9 pm. Otto’s Shrunken Head. Crude flier & details to follow. Start Your Halloween early.

It being the Labor Day weekend, I am thinking about jobs, specifically bad jobs. Not bad jobs like most of us have, the ones where either we are so bored that we want to pull our heads off or we are so overstressed that we want to pull our heads off, jobs where we do not much but shuffle paper about hoping that the latest management craze doesn’t involve sending our job to India.

Most jobs are pretty damn dull when you get down to it. For the most part nobody is going to die if something isn’t done right away, at least nobody you know. But we have this eating thing and wanting to sleep someplace warm and dry and well that takes money and since the lottery guy steadfastly refuses to sell me the winning ticket, I, we have to work.

Back to bad jobs – skimming the web I came across this phrase: “artificial bovine vagina” let me write that again “Artificial Bovine Vagina”. You have to figure any job where you have to use an artificial Bovine vagina will just suck rockets.

It’s used in cattle breeding to…ah…shall we say extract semen from a bull for use in breeding. Prize bull semen (I never, ever, ever expect to write that exact phrase again as long as live) is quite the money maker with many ranchers using artificial insemination. Still somebody’s got to go put this thing on the bull’s mister happy and then take it off once the bull is, well, finished. Dealing with a ton of aroused animal is high on my list of things never to do. I assume they also have one for horses as well – but horses at least don’t have horns. (One of the undying rumors is that the Russian empress Catherine the Great died having sex with a horse when the supports holding the horse up broke – it’s not true but it’s one of those rumors will never die).

Thinking more I hope they don’t make the same guy do this all the time. Over time I think the bull would associate him with well good times and now I don’t want to go any further with that thought.

Speaking of large aroused animals – some years ago I was watching a nature show on TV. The scientist was trying to test the reactions of male Canadian moose to other male moose during mating season. He would do this by luring the moose into a clearing with the scent of a female moose in heat and then confront the moose with an artificial moose, some with bigger antlers some with smaller and he, safe in a tall tower, would note the reactions. That wasn’t the bad part.

The bad part was that his intern had to put the moose head on to get the moose to react. The TV announcer, in that hushed voice they use when narrating dramatic parts of a nature program (which actually makes no damned sense since he’s not there in the field with them is he? He’s in a studio for Pete’s sake.) “The moose has entered the clearing, licking his lips in arousal” (they are a lot like us in some ways).

That’s the point where I figure the Intern, wearing a fake moose head, less than 25 yards away from a large horny Moose is thinking “God in heaven if I ever get out of this alive I’m taking that job at Denny’s.”


Peace love Shonen Knife.