I EAT YOUR SKIN

And then I pull my head off to stop watching this film.

Lord, another rotten film to add to my list. I don’t know why I do this to myself. I could be living nice life, I could be enjoying the company of friends, I could be out improving my mind, I could be having hot sex (well maybe not that at least I could be looking for that), but nooooooo. I find myself watching a film that is worse than Del Tenney’s infamous rotten film – The Horror of Party Beach – a film that the long ago Monster Times (it’s gimmick was that it was a printed on newsprint like it was a newspaper – lasted about 6-8 issues) called aforesaid Horror of Party Beach not only the worst monster movie ever made but the worst beach party movie ever made (they knew not the horror that was Manos but I digress, I always digress but this is more so).

What happened is a few days ago I was lying in bed in that strange state between waking and sleeping when I half heard in my imagination some voice of doom death metal guy singing in that larynx busting growl they all have these days I…EAT…YOUR…SKIN (metal riff ) I EAT YOUR SKIN (same metal riff goes here). I got up, like I usually do when things like this happen and wrote it down (plot of the song is – well it maybe okay now but I will eat your skin – I being something not sure hey I was almost asleep). As the day went on I got puzzled “where the heck did that come from?” so I googled and sure enough there was a movie by that name – by Del Tenney no less – he of Horror of Party Beach. So off I go to netflix and sure enough they have it – and they send it to me.

The film stars nobody – the story makes no sense and the production values are awful. The film’s original title was Zombies but it was changed cause it was going to be shown in double feature with “I drink your blood” (not done by Tenney – but still bad).

The story revolves around some writer of adventure stories who is flown someplace called Voodoo Island (we know there is voodoo because the opening scene featured a voodoo style dance by very mostly very pale people, it’s as if preppies had gone in to voodoo) by his agent –who brings his wife with the voice that could cut glass. The writer glad to leave Miami cause a bald man is chasing him because he’s been fooling about with bald guy’s wife, this is, I assume, intended to show us what a playboy stud he is, it just made me depressed.

On the flight to the island – in a little one engine puddle jumper – they get lost in the fog and can’t find the island. I’m watching thinking – Hey Lindberg why not use the radio? The one right in font of you/ and then they start to run out of gas and I’m thinking where did they get this pilot? The Playboy stud (forever afterwards PS) gets control of the plane and lands on the beach.

The beach – right. In the real world, the instant that plane hits the sand it goes nose first into the ground and all the people die. Which would have shortened the movie. I have to assume the island has an airport – if it didn’t what the hell were you doing flying to the damn thing? But the plane never leaves the beach.

After the landing, PS goes off and looks for help and the camera goes off into the woods to show us a man who looks like he’s had papier-mâché slapped onto his face, covering it, and then someone painted eyes on it. I presume it’s intended to look scary – but you end up wondering how the actor sees in that get up. He walks stiffly because he’s a zombie.

As the PS goes through the woods looking for help but then he sees a pretty girl swimming in a lagoon. I think she’s supposed to be naked but the editing is pretty clumsy so I’m not sure. This is of course the Female lead (FL) I’m not giving names on purpose. As PS goes into lust overdrive – well pretty naked girl swimming I’d forget what the hell I was supposed to be doing as well – Zombie comes out of the woods menaces FL – PS yells tries to help and doesn’t really. There is some confusion and PS meets a fisherman who says he will guide him to help. The fisherman then has his head chopped off by the Zombie (rule of thumb – never help the hero, your chances of surviving are about as good as the guy with the red shirt beaming down with Spock, McCoy, and Captain James T (“Widomaker”) Kirk.) and PS empties his revolver into the zombie to no effect.

This is when the movie lost me permanently (not that I was paying that much attention) but I put 4 shots from a .32 policeman’s special into some one’s chest and he doesn’t fall I’m going to be pretty flipped out for a while but the PS merely says something odd is going on here while he is sipping his drink.

Later we meet the rest of the cast – none of whom matter – there is an estate keeper of some kind, and a scientist who is the farther of the FL and other odds and ends. The drums beat in the background as the group eats. There is cutting to odd voodoo dances – most of the people are blindingly white and dressed in preppy looking clothes, not your normal voodoo folks).

It turns out the natives are demanding a virgin sacrifice of some sort – so later that night PS takes care of the FL’s virginity (this is something you don’t see in movies much – virgin’s picked to be a sacrifice tend not to take this easy way out) but it doesn’t matter girl is snatched anyway, PS goes after her, we see zombies wander around (not a bit of skin eating in the film by the way) and more dancing (time waster ahoy!). There is a lot of to and frowing – the only good scene is where PS opens up what looks like storage shed and it’s full of zombies – well what the hell else would you do with them). It turns out the estate keeper was forcing the scientist to uses discovery that exposing snake venom to radiation changed men into mindless slaves and messed up their face (the bullet proof bit is NEVER explained). The estate keeper dies, the scientist dies and the island blows up and sinks – Yo! Islands are not fucking boats. Jesus.

The movie ends with PS and FL in a pool in Miami and me wondering why on god’s green earth did I bother to waste my time with this garbage. I have now seen 2/3rd’s of Del Tenney’s 60’s out put. I suspect I’ll see the other one The Curse of the Living Corpse (a title that doesn’t make much sense by the way) just to finish the job.

Like I said I could be going out or doing something useful with my life like playing an online multiplayer game or watching a real movie, but no – I fill my hours with junk like this.