Ensign Ricky - A RED SHIRT DIARY

Business affairs are keeping me from waxing forth as much as I would like, still they pay me which helps keep the band in guitar stings and keeps me supplied with movies like Blood Orgy of the She Devils and The Giant Gila Monster.

Lord the junk I’ve seen – it’s a wonder my mind hasn’t oozed out my ears the garbage I’ve fed it.

Anyway – it’s busy, end of quarter, paperwork flying in, we’ve going to be moving floors, and just plain work is getting in the way of my blogging, wandering the net and day dreaming of wild sex and gin based drinks.

Still as the silly result of an e-mail exchange with the enemy below, that I’m wearing a red shirt to day and some other things I give you the diary of
Ensign Ricky –of Enterprise Security

Star Date 2411.52 – Morning, I’m very nervous today, it’s will be my first day on the Enterprise, the most famous ship in the Federation. This is a big step up. To tell the truth I’m surprised at how easy it was for me to get this post straight out of the academy, my roommate who has transferred to the science wing told me there was a 5 year wait for science officers on the Enterprise, but they took me right away.

Still this is a big day. I’m in the red uniform of a Federation Security Ensign. My mom would be so proud.

Later – my first day wasn’t quite what I expected. I was beamed aboard with fifteen other security guards. The chief of security – a nasty looking guy with an eye patch greeted us with the words “Welcome to hell you luckless bastards” then led us to our quarters. As we walked the corridors people looked at us and started going Baaa baaa like sheep.

“What was that for?” I asked.

“Lambs to the slaughter meat” the Chief said. “Just shut up. Here’s you room.”

My roommate Markus was there to greet me. He was drunk.

“Welcome to hell” he said and held out a bottle.

“I don’t drink.” I said.

“Better start” he said “You can just about stand this place if you’re drunk all the time” and then passed out.

Stardate 2422.33 – Yesterday was the first time the Captain asked for two men from security to go along on a shore party with him since I’ve been on board. I expected that in keeping with Starfleet regulations, the duty officer would pick them. But what happened was that each ensign would pick a stone out of a jar. If it was white you stayed on the ship, black meant you were in the shore party. The two picked, Ensign Gable and Ensign Rank were very upset, Gable couldn’t stop crying and Rank had to be physically forced into the transporter.

“We’ll that’s the last we’ll see of them” Markus said, taking another drink.

It turned out Markus was right – some kind of moth creature ate Gable and Rank was crushed to death by a shower of boulders. The Captain and the rest of the party, Mr. Spock and Doctor McCoy returned safely.

I think this may have been a mistake.

Stardate 2484.10 – Nobody ever mentioned just how badly Vulcans smell when you are up close them. I was just in the elevator with Mr. Spock. It was god awful. I don’t see how the Capitan stands it.

Stardate 2906.04 - .Wrenched my knee during training and went to sick bay. When I got there McCoy was yelling into the com unit “Suck my dick you half breed freak.” He was clearly very angry and kept on: “God-damn half breeds, worse than – what the hell do you want?” It was clear he was drunk, he reeked of bourbon.

Still, he bandaged my knee and took me off active duty for a while gave me some pills for the pain.

“if you don’t mind’ he said, his mood shifting at warp speed , “I think I’ll join you” at which he popped two pills into his mouth, drank more bourbon, took a shot of something out of his medical bag said “Ohhhh yeah baby! Daddy’s gonna rock tonight” and passed out.

Stardate 2456.11 – it has become obvious that the Enterprise, far from being the finest ship in the fleet is a snake pit of drunkenness and depravity. The captain terrifies everyone except for Mr. Spock with his frequent temper tantrums about trivial matters. And I can’t count the number of times I’ve had to drag the unconscious body of Commander Scott out of one of the maintenance hatches. Per Markus what Scott likes to do best is get a quart of scotch, crawl into a hatch and drink himself into oblivion.

In the security unit the morale sinks lower and lower each day as time after time men go with the Captain never to return. So far we have lost twenty three men to alien lasers, spears, firearms etc., two were eaten by some from of alien slime mold and on Reilos 5 three were taken over by Alien Life forms and had to be pushed into the lava pits that dot the planet. Meantime, the Captain, Mr. Spock and Dr. McCoy keep returning without a scratch.

Stardate 2571.59 – Markus is gone. He was absorbed by a mutant jelly. His last words to me were “I’m going to take that bastard with me.” The Captain, Mr. Spock and McCoy returned. The Captain’s shirt was torn and needed to be replaced.

Stardate – 2581.66 – Markus had warned me not to get involved with anyone on the ship “No romance for security” was his motto. “Even if you find someone,” he said, “That bastard Kirk will horn in, you can be sure as I’m standing here that will happen. There isn’t a single woman on this vessel that bastard hasn’t banged at least once. Even the ugly ones.” But Betty is such a wonderful person. When I’m with her the pain lifts a bit. I’ve been looking my whole life for someone like this.

Stardate – 2582.67- The Captain has taken a shine to Betty and I got quite upset. “He’s a hound” I said.
“Now now” she said “he likes young women. He's a pig but this is a chance for me to advance, don’t you want that?”
“Yes but”
“Listen it's not like I have a choice really he's the Captain, Still the other girls told me, all you have to do is give him a blow job once in a while. He’s really not much in the sack anyway. And it means I’ll get promoted”
“But but but”
“Now hush.”

Stardate 2583.60 - I decided to have it out with Kirk. Using my security pass I opened the door to his cabin. He was facing away from me tied up on a wooden frame and wearing a French maid’s outfit. Lt. Uhra dressed as a nun was hitting his bare buttocks with some kind of paddle. It was apparent from the marks on Kirk’s skin that this had been going on for while. With each impact, Kirk would scream “Yes! Yes! I am such a bad girl! Yes! Yes! Such a naughty naughty Girl! Spank me! Spank me! I’ve been soooo badddd mommy!”

Stardate 2584.12 – Betty is gone. She beamed down with Kirk and Spock and McCoy and two guards. I actually volunteered the Security Chief laughed at me. “Not a Chance.”
She and the other two were tortured to death by the Klingons. Kirk has a bruise on his forehead.

Stardate 2592.07 - Commander Scott came into the Security lounge drunk and sat next to me. Then he started talking to me, between the alcohol and his accent it was hard to understand exactly he was saying but it clear he was upset about the engines and the captain. He said some odd things about Mr. Spock and the Captain being too close, then put his hand on my thigh.

Stardate 2601. 04 – This is it; Widow Maker is beaming down along with the Alien Stink bomb and the Junky. I’ve picked the black stone. Bound to happen. Matter of time. My name will join the 234 others on the roll of honor in the Security Lounge. What a crock. I’m badly hung over and I need to check my phaser before I go. Lets, see, set to stun, safety off, and [transmission ends]