Son of the Revenge of the 31 days of Cheese - Day 7: Hercules and the Captive Women

Hercules, his son and a dwarf destroy Atlantis and save the world from being ruled by Uranus.

No seriously.

While the Italian film industry was very adept at churning out copies of successful films made in other countries one sub gene was their very own – the Sword and Sandal Films or Peplum as they were called in Italy – Starting with Steve Reeves in Hercules they ground out about 150,000 of these bloody things from the mid fifties until the mid sixties – and today’s film is one of them.

The American title is rather misleading as there is only one captive woman in the film.

I digress.

We begin in Thebes where Herc, the king, Herc’s son and the dwarf (a depressingly common comic relief character in these films) are told though a vision that a great danger is about to descend on Greece – after a useless conference with the other Greek states the King of Thebes says he will go and meet the danger –Herc says good luck much the kings surprise, he was counting on him to be one of the party heading out – the strongest man in the world and  the son of Zeus is a pretty good fellow to have with you in this sort of thing.

The king tries to pressure Herc but he will have none of this  - he will stay home in Thebes with his wife and son – the king understands and then suggests they have a last drink of wine together before the king leaves.

Of course the King slips a roofie into Herc’s drink – Herc while brave and strong is not quite the sharpest knife in the drawer. He wakes up to find himself on a ship with the king – the crew certain to mutiny and the dwarf – hiding inside the ship is Herc’s son.

After  the mutiny and Herc’s overcoming of it – they speed west and are promptly shipwrecked – Herc arrives on an island where he meets the sole captive woman of the tale – it turns out that she’s the daughter of the queen of Atlantis – and she’s to be sacrificed to Proteus (a shape shifting god – hence protean to describe well being protean and Shakespeare's Richard III saying “I can change shapes with Proteus) Herc well being Herc thinks this its wrong and kills Prot and in the process reveals Atlantis just across the bay – which until that moment had been shielded by fog.

Cut to a large gathering of folks praying to Uranus – and yes it sounds funny – and they keep doing in the film – even I couldn’t quite prevent a Bevis and butthead like snort when the film had lines like Uranus will rule the world!

Herc arrives with daughter in tow to announce Prot id dead – queen is of course evil queen – I notice a lot of these films have evil queens in them – more fun to look at I assume. The queen after  telling Herc some bafflegab to shut him up has him escorted away to the palace and sends the daughter out to be killed again (there is something about a prophecy that if a daughter of this queen out lives her Atlantis will fall – so why she wasn’t killed at birth is a bit of a poser but this is a Hercules film) –  seems the kid can’t catch a break.

Well Herc in the meantime runs into the king of Thebes but his mind seems gone later he tries to off Herc but first

We learn that Herc’s son and the dwarf are still alive and then in turn rescue the same captive woman from troops this time. Poor girl must have had a roller coaster of a day there – you’re to be sacrificed you’ve been rescued, you’re to be sacrificed, you’ve’ been rescued.

Meantime the queen is coming onto Herc who isn’t that displeased but isn’t about to give in and needs to go – she says yes and offers him a drink to ease his nerves – this comes after the king as a jabbering mad man attacks Herc  while spouting gibberish about how the queen will rule the world.

Faced with the second attempted at slipping him a roofie in the film- this time Herc fakes being drugged – the queen taken in for a moment fondles Herc’s pecs – it’s an important part of these films that Herc had much pecs and for an instant I thought she was going to start beating on them like they were bongos but no she gloated and then walked away from the now seemingly comatose Herc.

But he’s not – he spits out the wine he didn’t drink, pulls the bars of his room/cell apart slips between them then pushes them back together just to mess with the queen and her men’s minds. 

Herc finds out that the King of Thebes has been taken to this valley with a big wooden wall across it. Inside are the rejects of something – Herc knocks the wall down with a very fake looking Styrofoam rock and then uses same rock to knock and extra off his horse – it looked painful.

Herc is confused – well Herc is often confused but even more so than normal about what in Sam Hill is going on? (ever wonder where that expression came from? Me to. Not enough to actually look it up but enough to wonder.) one of the overacting rejects offers to tell him – Herc follows leaving orders that everybody should stand down until he gets back.

They promptly ignore him – Herc’s son goes after the mob leaving the dwarf , the Queens daughter and the unconscious king.

Meantime Herc is shown a glowing rock said to be from the blood of Uranus (they say Uranus about 11 more times in this scene it’s hard to keep a straight face while watching it even if you’re trying not to be a juvenile moron) the overacting reject says gibberish then talks about unspeakable horror and then vanishes when he steps on the glowing rock.

Out comes the priest of Uranus (now just stop that – it’s the film) he explains that that queen uses this rock to change people. He doesn’t quite say how and that the queen is planning to conquer the world. Turns out he knows how to destroy the rock but won’t say unless a test is passed. Herc of course passes the test (actually this is a pretty good scene) Reg Park who plays Hercules in this film does a pretty good job of being humble at the right time. Test passed Herc is told if a beam of sunlight hits the rock that’s it for the rock and Atlantis. Not to worry Herc says he has a plan that will mean they won’t have to destroy Atlantis to overcome the queen.

Well, while Herc was off learning about Uranus. (sorry had to) the mob arrives at Atlantis and attacks at first things are going well but by ringing a gong a horde of black helmeted warriors appear and – off screen – slaughter the attackers.

Herc arrives to find everybody dead and his son a captive of the Queen. She – still thinking of the pecs I assume - tries one more time to get him to her side – then she reveals her secret – the black helmeted warriors are all super powerful (there’s a table tossing bit here ) and they all look alike – me being in the 21^st century was thinking cling but whatever – I remember seeing this movie as a kid and thinking this was a creepy moment.

Herc not quite knowing what to do falls back and then is dropped down a trap door (really did a thirteen year old write this film?) and finds his son. As they try to escape from the cell a mist – the one that took the mind of the king of Thebes away rises and the ceiling starts coming down – Herc has one more – matching his might against a machine moment and wins. Herc and son escape. Herc goes to destroy the Uranus rock – the son goes off to , well get the hell outta dodge before the Uranus rock is destroyed.

Unfortunately it seems that the dwarf is still alive – Herc’s son – dressed in one of the black helmeted warriors garb gets on board a ship that is to be set fire to one more time sacrifice the queen’s daughter (note to queen – next  time just stab her okay?) and rescues her again.

Herc has removed the rock that was blocking the sun – the beam isn’t quite there so he beats feet to the ship or to the sea while the priest of Uranus prays.

Sunlight hits the rock – Atlantis blows up – Herc makes a very impressive swan dive and is picked up by the ship. Daughter of the queen suddenly remembers that everybody she ever knew is dead and starts crying then stops. The king of Thebes wakes up himself again and Herc tells him he’s saved the day.  The Dwarf makes some kind of pointless joke and we roll credits.

An almost perfect slice of Italian Peplum Cheese – enjoy with spaghetti with meatballs and lots and lots of grated cheese.