Son of the Revenge of the 31 days of Cheese - Day 3 - Frankenstein Island

Frankenstein Island – why? What the hell? What on earth? What is the point? What was the point? What is the point of anything really but what the hell was all this for? You watch this film and your mind becomes pudding. It’s a horrible awful slog through plot less gibberish, awful acting,  jungle girls, Zombies,  pointless sequences, with the disembodied head of John Carradine saying ‘ye shall have the power!”  hovering above it all like some sort of wizard of OZ of crappy films. It’s a god awful (did I say that already) utter and complete mess.

I should explain

A guy named Jerry Warren back in the 50’s and early 60’s had made something of a name for himself as a producer/director of low budget schlock for drive ins and the like. Again the drive in audience wasn’t really interested in what was on the screed it was something that moved while folks made out in the cars. He made things with titles like Man-Beast, Teenage Zombies (played as required by folks who had not been teenagers for some time) and The Incredible Petrified World – he also would hack up bits and pieces of Mexican and other foreign horror films and add a few scenes here and there and issue it as film – the results of  all these being pretty dire. Then in 1966 at the height of the Batman craze caused by the TV he shot and released The Wild World of Batwoman -  a horrible film ripped to shreds and justly so by the brave robots and men of Mystery Science Theater 3000.  Not only was the film awful but he managed to attract the attention of the ever vigilant lawyers for DC comics who sued him for copy right infringement and had to make some changes to the film and well it was a rather bad time for Jerry. Some commentators have wondered why the hell DC even bothered to do anything about this film as it was a nothing film with a nothing budget but alas our legal/copyright system is such that if they did not jump in with both feet on top of this film – that could be used against them in a court trial in dealing with a much more serious copyright case. It’s why the Disney folks as so insane about anything – of course they are at heart horrible people but above all they wish not to set the dreaded precedent for someone else to use. 

Well after that Jerry stopped making movies. I’m not sure what he did but he wasn’t making movies. Then in 1981 something happened. I’m not sure if a rich aunt left him some money or something but in any event after some (quick check on the calculator here) fifteen years he made another film. 

God what a mess.

We follow the adventures of four idiots and their dog Melvin who in a balloon that is caught in a storm ends up island somewhere in the pacific. Their first decision is to ashore to maybe find some wood to make a raft. Unlike the rubber raft they just came ashore in. Yeah that’s what we’re dealing with.

Going inland they find wood and a tribe of native girls who wear leopard skin bikinis (and are of course have shaved legs and done hair) we later find out there are aliens. Which then is never motioned again and makes no difference to the events that unfold. There is also a weird bit where if someone mentions a town or city they get a shooting pain in their left hand.  This is never really fully explained either as to how it’s done or even bloody why it’s in the movie. 

Anyway the jungle girls adopt the guys and in the time honored tradition of scripts written by lonely guys in basements the girls in the bikinis dance for the guys while they drink and eat. A strip club setting in the jungle or something without they stuffing dollar bills into anything. 

But all is not well in paradise – it seems that the girls are being preyed on by zombies dressed in black with sunglasses and black knit caps that come from the big house on the island. The four, regretfully pull themselves away from the dancing ladies and head for the house.

The mansion it turns out is run by one Sheila Frankenstein, married name - Van Helsing played by the same woman who played Batwoman in 1966. She is the Great Granddaughter of The Frankenstein. There is also a drunken  one eyed sailor Jocko played by  very annoying absurd enthusiasm by Steve Brodie (who was also in Batwoman) to the point you want to kill him when he shows up on the screen this guy with a lot of facial hair (who played Rat Fink in Batwoman don’t worry that’s the last of the Batwoman alumni) and zombies. After offering the folks brandy (VS I noted – okay I’m a snob VS isn’t very drinkable really) explains that her husband is psychically linked to the original Doctor Frankenstein (John Carridine – who isn’t really in the film he just shows up and says “the Power!” A lot he says that.)  Her husband who is very old and bedridden is linked via – now I’m not sure if this is right but I’m only seen this film 3 times – a human brain to the spirit of the Doctor Frankenstein.  Turns out he’s dying. And oh yes there are zombies about they do the menial stuff and kidnap girls from time to time. 

And there is Cameron Mitchell who should really have known better – did you need the money that much? (still he went on to be in Kung Fu Cannibals the next year a film that if it was available for viewing would surely be part of this year’s list)  He is a cage where they take blood from him while he recites Lenore by Edgar Allen Poe. 

As best I can tell – the old guy is dying and one of the four idiots is a doctor (not everybody graduated in the top 50% of their class) he is intrigued by all this and decides to help Sheila keep the old guy alive – they start by putting a bit of this and bit of that into him even goat blood – which well hell it was said to have worked for Keith Richards.

The others meantime with the help of the girls build a raft. 

Then or before that – one of the girls is taken by the zombies. Her blood it be mixed with the old dudes – why this was never done before is a bit of a poser but after all the other nonsense in this film you gonna worry about a little thing like common sense? 

The three guys and the girls stage a raid on the Frankenstein villa to rescue the one girl. There is a lot of pointless fighting – the doc seems to come to his senses – John Carridine shows up and yells about the power and then the Frankenstein Monster arises from a pond in a cave. 

About this time my brain became oatmeal – several days later I re-watched the last bit and again it was oatmeal time. Anyway what happens is that the four destroy the brain in the jar which controls the zombies and the Monster (how dammed if I know or remember) they then hightail it back to the main land – there is short scene where they convince the local military authority (who must have been on a very tight budget the troops clothes don’t match) to return to them with to the island.

But in the final really really annoying kicker – there is nothing on the island the mansion, the girls the lab, Cameron Mitchell,  it’s all gone. The military types leave and the four stand there slack jawed until the dog (they they left behind) shows up and then brings them a medallion worn by girl that the youngest of the idiots had the hots for - who turned out to be Cameron Mitchel’sl daughter in another pointless plot twist. With this one piece of evidence for the reality of what just happened with leave the morons.

Bad bad bad bad awful bad. Really about one of the worst films I’ve ever seen.

Enjoy with oatmeal – it’ll turn your brain into that fast enough.