The Revenge of the 31 Days of Cheese - Day 31 -Bridemic: Shock and Terror

After today, Turner classic movies goes back to showing things like Zorro’s fighting legion and any one of the 300 Falcon movies done during the 30’s and 40’s. One of the things you learn with TCM is that not everything made in the golden age of Hollywood was golden.

Anyway. Birdemic – Shock and Terror. AHHHHHHH.

Honestly I thought that the golden age of bad movies had passed us by that I would never again see something as god awful and poorly made as Plan Nine from Outer Space, the Creeping Terror or A*P*E.

But I was wrong. From 2010 comes Birdemic Shock and Terror and frankly it’s one of the worst films I have EVER seen. NOTHING WORKS – The acting is awful, the camera work is awful the sound fades out at times and the special effects are laughable – and that’s not even talking about the story.

In this film we follow the life of Rod, played by Alan Bagh. Rod has well not much of a personality. Well none in fact. Nothing against Alan's acting ability but Rod looks to me like someone who is trying to recover from a traumatic brain injury – he walks slowly, he talks in a odd disjointed manner, voice rarely showing emotion and his standard facial expression is "huh?”

Anyway that’s our hero. And we first see him he is driving a blue mustang – slowly. Very very slowly - so slowly that a tow truck towing a car is tailgating him while they are going UPHILL.

We see some more driving. We will see a lot of driving in this film – and a lot of parking – it’s like Manos and Hobgoblins had a baby this movie is with the parking and the driving. We then see Rod Walk. Rod Walks funny. He goes to a yuppie looking café where he sees Nathalie. Nathalie is blonde and cute and the female lead and Rod stalks her. No really he sneaks up behind her and taps her on the shoulder and then instead of rolling around on the ground because he just got a face full of mace, he and Nathalie (who is pretty) engage in PAINFUL getting to know you small talk which goes on far too long – then starts again as Rod realizes he hasn’t stalked her enough – and again instead of Rod getting a face full of mace and a good swift kick to the nads – they exchange business cards. She, by the way, is a model.

We then see Rod watch TV – we learn that global warming has reduced the size of the arctic ice sheet. Mentions of global warming will be a constant in this film. Whereas for example Troll 2 was a rather nasty minded dig at vegetarians the director of this film is sincere about global Warming. Bordering on the psychotic about it, but sincere.

We see Rod go to work. He makes a million dollar sale which sounds good except we hear him offer the guy a 50% discount. And just to note – nobody makes a million dollar software sale over the phone. So while Rod is celebrating we meet his friend who we will call the douche bag because he is a douche bag. There is some talk about how if the company he works for goes public their stock options will make them rich. Rod tries to look excited but misses.

We see Nathalie doing a photo shoot. In a strip mall photographer's studio – she is then told that she has been picked as the cover girl for Victoria’s secret. Again, this is moments after finishing her shoot in a photographers studio in a strip mall. Since this is set in the near future (I’m guessing from the news reports and the gas prices that are shown) it could be that Victoria’s secret has fallen on hard times or the movie is just full of it.

I’d go with the latter.

Rod calls Nathalie and instead of finding out that Nathalie has changed her number ends up getting her to go on a date at ‘That Vietnamese Restaurant”. At least that is what is sounds like. Rod has a bit of trouble with some words which only adds to the impression of someone recovering from a brain injury – perhaps received while bungee jumping.

We see Rod and the Douche bag play basketball in polo shirts – they say the weather is warm for the winter (I’ll get back to that in a moment). Douche bag talks about sex and about being rich and he’s got an annoying gesture for each topic. Later Rod and douche bag find out that the company will be bought for a billion dollars (this film likes round numbers). They are happy, the viewer is beginning to wonder really, just how horrible can death be.

Rod dates Nathalie – apparently there is only one Vietnamese restaurant in the town – who knows – they eat, they talk – Rod says sales suits his personality – viewers by now are wondering if perhaps the video has been mixed up with another film – some small indie film called “Rod Tries to Score” or something like that but no… this is Birdemic.

Nathalie talks to her mother about Rod – N’s mother (I’m going to be typing N from now on it’s easier) is as one would say a person of size as in very large size. She is thrilled that Rod is all these good things N says he is (N talks about aspects of his character that we haven’t seen at all) because if the modeling thing doesn’t work out she says it’s always good to have a man who has a good job forgetting about 40 years of feminism and that someone who gets the cover of the Victoria’s secret catalogue is well the it girl of the modeling world that year and will be off to Milan in about two days.

So Rod and N date again – later they meet Douche bag and Douche bag’s girlfriend who is a friend of N’s for a double date. There is a more talk about global warming.

Rod sells solar panels and we find out there is another phrase other than Vietnamese restaurant that he has trouble saying – Solar panels. To call this boring is an insult to boring. It’s also poorly shot edited and lit. Just plain boring doesn’t cut it.

Rod and N go to the pumpkin festival. Which is clearly noted as happening in October so unless we’ve skipped about 8 months here that whole winter thing back at the pickup basketball game was – well - It was Birdemic weaving it’s magic. They walk on the beach where the wind is blowing so loud that you can’t hear what they are saying. Which is okay. Then there is a TA-DA moment were N sees dead birds. Well she doesn’t seem dead birds she sees CGI dead birds. Really bad CGI. Like CGI I would do with a computer and an idiots guide to CGI book. Then the mother is met – where in real time we hear what boring people sound like when they are gathered in a group “I like to watch TV” is an actual line from the film.

There are then on another date – the waiter giving their beer has a strange diva turn ‘here are your drinks” Also the restaurant is EMPTY which is creepy. Later we see Rod dance – it is not pretty. The song they dance to performed by some guy behind them is endless and bad.

Finally they go off to a hotel and fuck.

Then Rod wakes up and finds out that he’s been asleep the whole time and the whole thing –N, the million dollar sale, the billion dollars, the blue mustang he can’t drive were all a figment of his imagination as he prepares to go to work at a cut rate nursing home – no that doesn’t happen hell that might have been interesting.

Guys this is by now 40 minutes into the picture. Not a single – you know I’m going to curse a bit here – not a single fucking thing that we saw was important like at all there was no god damn point to any of this Rod’s yuppie up and comer who is at least a bit green (his mustang is a hybrid - somewhere Carroll Shelby is weeping uncontrollably at this) and all this stuff about stock options and Victoria’s secret models and endless gibberish spoken by people who sound like they just learned how to speak several days ago is unimportant. NOT a single thing is needed for this film. Character development could have been done in 5 minutes.

Okay . Sorry but the sheer pointlessness of this whole Rod get’s rich and then gets laid plot line galls me.

Finally after we go over some scenes where we see sights we have seen before – expect for some horses – we see the birds attack.

These are really fake looking birds – as in these are animated gif’s done by the director’s cousin in his basement for 50 bucks fake looking.

So finally the sky is full of screeching birds, which is what we paid money for – and they diving on the town and exploding. Ah, wait a minute, birds don’t explode. Well I guess in this film they do. Also they make world war II dive bomber noises just before they hit…and… explode. I think the Foley guy hated the director.

My head was about to explode at about this point in the film.

Rod and N wake up in their hotel room (and why go there both of them have their own places yes?) to find they are surrounded by angry eagles. The barricade the window or part of it then the birds leave. Rod man of action finds his cell phone batter is dead. Actually guys a more plausible scenario would be that since everybody is trying to call the net work is overwhelmed and can’t handle the volume of calls. That’s actually happened –in real life.

Anyway in the movie Rod and N meet up with Ramsey and Becky – we learn they have a van (a van we will be seeing a lot of from now on) and that Rod in the confusion lost his car keys. N you want to take a moment and maybe rethink the whole this is the guy thing? I mean really.

Ramsey takes over – and in one of the films iconic moments they fend off the birds with coat hangers while they make their way to the van. It’s on you tube – words fail in this case. Seriously at this point the movie broke my brain – my notes just became lines and shapes and odd disturbing doodles with only occasional words like “the horror” or “Cthulhu R'lyeh" showing up.

It also turns out Ramsey has an M-16 and a pistol in the van. With unlimited ammunition it seems at least until the end.

They drive – they see some parked cars and rescue two children who’s parents have been killed by birds – as they are doing this, normal traffic can be seen going both ways on the road.

They get some food and then have a picnic near the beach. Which is just what I would do if killer birds could swoop down upon me at any moment; have a picnic outside. The movie's dumber than a huge bag of hammers.

They meet a scientist who warns them about bird flu and global warming and tells them that in caveman days eagles would attack humans. As he’s talking about all the bad things happening due to global warming and the bird attacks we see happy folk in the distance frolicking on the beach and seagulls doing what seagulls do fly about.

Time to trim the cast. Becky is killed by an eagle as she’s about to ‘take a shit’. This has to be a movie first. Not a good first but a first nonetheless. A poignant plea for more public toilets in case of a massive bird attack.

Later Ramsey tries to rescue some folks trapped in a tourist bus – well really as long as the windows are closed the birds couldn’t get to them but Ramsey leads them out side where the birds either spit or piss or do something liquid that causes them to writhe in pain before the birds kill them. Rod and N and the two kids drive off. N by the way never mentions her mother this whole part of the film.

They try to help a man but he just ends up trying to steal their gas – he’s killed by a bird – it takes a while. He's backing away from Rod in plain sight for a long, long time before the bird hits his expression is “okay when the director says fall I’ll fall.” I guess each second of film was so precious that the director (also the producer, and writer and insane person) couldn’t bear to have a single foot removed. Or hell it’s just a bad film.

While getting water in a forest they run into a rather frightening looking fellow in a very fake hippie wig who lectures them about global warming (this is the 3^rd lecture about how bad it is – we get the point) and some sort of beetle that eats the trees which are spreading because the winters aren’t cold enough to kill them or something.

We later catch sight of douche bag and his girl in a car – they are dead – really how hard is it to not open the damn windows? Especially when dealing with bird attacks? Seriously.

After that they run out of gas, they run out of food and they run out of ammo as the birds come to finish them off but before that can happen – other badly done cgi birds – said to be doves on some web sites – well hell who cares. These new birds circle the attacking birds and they all fly off into the sun set – it takes them forever to fly off into the sun set we see the credits roll we see the sequel end by the time these damn credits finish and you have just endured one of the worst films ever made and you’re left with “what’s the point of any of this? What the hell is the ending about? Or any of it? Granted global warming is a bad thing but lord what did that have to do with the birds attacking people? The movie never makes it clear. Not that I care, it’s just another sign of how bad this film is.

It’s awful. You should see it to see how awful it is.

I understand they are making a sequel. When I think about that I feel the will to live slipping away.

Enjoy with takeout barbecued chicken. Revenge!

Well that’s the days of cheese until next year. Hope you enjoyed some of them. I’m off to go read a book.