The Revenge of the 31 Days of Cheese Day 27 - The Horror of Party Beach

A small personal reminisce – back in 1974 I was a callow youth and I didn’t quite know where my life would take me or what my true callings were – you know typical youth stuff. At the time there was a magazine printed on newsprint – called the monster times which I read from time to time. I would have read it on a regular basis but the corner stationery story that I went to didn’t always get it for that month or they sold out of the two copies they had ordered. I had the same problem there with comic books. The Lizard was about to feed Spiderman to the lizards and then the store didn’t have the next issue. It was maddening but it was the only store I knew about. There was no comic book store in my town back then.

Anyway the memory of issue 30 is special to me – February 1974 to be exact – as the entire issue was dedicated to the worst monster movies of all time – and one was cited for special comment – The Horror of Party Beach – which was called probably not only the worst monster movie ever made but also the worst beach party movie ever made. The article went into detail about the utter suckiness of this film and how awful it was.

And I remember after I’d finished reading the article for about the 4^th time – thinking. Man I have got to see this movie.

And many years later thanks to the invention of the DVD I did.

And oh god I should have remembered the saying – be careful what you want – you might get it.

It’s horrible – mind numbingly bad – and awful to boot.

We open with a scenes where Hank and Tina are driving to the beach and are being escorted/ harassed by a motor cycle gang – surf guitar plays – the car pulls into party beach – a drab looking place I’m told Connecticut on long island sound – I do prefer the ocean when I hit the beach.

Anyway Hank is angry at Tina because Tina won’t grow up and be boring like he is – he goes t the beach in long pants and looks a lot like James Francisisus (but isn’t) Tina the words that almost all female monster victims say (this film it awash in clichés as well) insists upon her independence and her desire to live her own life. This is exhibited by flirting with the head of the motor cycle gang while the band the Del Aires – play the zombie stomp (foreshadowing at its lumpiest). Hank goes to stare at the ocean where he meets Elaine – the good quiet blonde woman whose voice is dubbed – nobody else’s voice in the film is dubbed like this so one assumes the actors real voice was awful – you’ll dub someone using their own voice if they blow a line but to dub every single line implies a god awful original voice.

I digress – Elaine is the dutiful and respectful blonde who will be the female lead – as a side note she and Hank look like they are pushing 40 in this film which makes them look a bit old to be doing this beach thing.

Meantime as hank stares and Tina dances ( you’re my private dancer…sorry I’ll stop) out to sea a crewman of a boat filled with barrels marked “Radioactive waste” in big big letters asks “ is this the place? The captain says yes and over the side they go.

Upon reaching the bottom they instantly spring a lead and the radioactive sludge reacts with the sea and makes – well you have to call them monsters but dear god – you hate to.

The monsters are well pretty absurd looking – nobody and I mean nobody has been able to figure out exactly what they were going for when they designed the monster suit – but the beasts look like they have stuffed pickles or hot dogs into their mouths to the point where they can’t close their mouths.

Hank returns to the dancers to find Tina with the cycle gang leader there is a fight and unlike real life where hank would have been a bloody mess as all the gang would have joined in to stomp him, the fight is a draw. Hank glares at Tina who then runs in to the water – and climbs up on a rock where she is promptly killed by a monster.

So Dr. Gavin – Elaine’s father enters the fray – Hank works for him. He talks some gobbledygook to people while Elaine goes to Tina’s funeral – really the only person who feels the least bit bad seems to be Elaine – Hank never mentions Tina again.

Meantime the monsters are killing people and what is a rare event in monster movies the town authorities announce they are being attacked by monsters. However instead of say asking for the national guard to be sent in or anything sensible – everybody keeps going about their business – while the plucky news body keeps selling papers – all of which have the same story below the lead ” panic in New York, menagerie breaks loose.” Really nobody does a thing different as the monsters kill and kill again.

We also meet and we wish we didn’t Eulabelle Dr. Gavin’s black maid/house servant – to call her a stereotype is kind – her performance as she talks about “them Zombies creeping and peepein about “

is just painful – and considering how painful the rest of the film is that’s saying something.

Eulabelle does discover (by accident) how to kill the monsters – the metal sodium reacts with the creatures and reduces them to a pile of dust. Dr. Gavin, the Police, and Elaine all search the ponds and such in the area for signs of the beast while Hank takes a pretty leisurely drive considering the situation to New York for a shit load of sodium.

At the end Elaine finds the monsters but injures her leg and can’t escape as they close in on her but first Dr. Gavin and the Hank and police show up with sodium toward the monsters off.

At the end all is restored except for the dead folks – and the party starts up on the beach again which merely highlights the tragedy. The Monsters didn’t get them.

Awful film – just dreadful. Hard even to heckle really.

Enjoy with hot dogs on hot dog buns.