The Revenge of the 31 Days of Cheese - Day 28 - The Swarm

As the Oscar build up dissipates – and for the record anyone that was surprised that The Artist won best picture shouldn’t be – Hollywood loves movies about it self – they will keep remaking A Star is Born until the medium dies.

Anyway this film 1978’s The Swarm features an all star cast of someone Hollywood’s most famous and most honored actors, a lavish budget ($21 Million dollars), a story by the author of The Towering Inferno, thousands of bees, and absolutely totally and in all ways sucks.

And to top it off the version I watch was the – you’ll excuse the expression “Director’s Cut” which clocks in at about 2 ½ hours long. – the effect is like watching Manos back to back with Plan Nine from Outer Space after a while you lose the ability to fight about against the aggressive awfulness of the film and end up sitting like a lump on the couch while the movie keeps hitting you with sticks.

It’s earth vs. the Bees and by the end you’re cheering for the Bees.

The film opens with heavily armed army type guys in hazmat looking suits entering what appears to be a missile base - Richard Whitmark (as General Slater is following the action and is flying in on one of the two helicopters this movie shows – I suspect the film bought these helicopters because no matter what the situation we never see more than two helicopters ever. He is concerned that all communication between this base has been cut off.

The team discovers the reason that the base has broken off communication – everybody on the base is dead. Well almost – Michael Caine shows up. You know for most of these actors I’m just embarrassed or shocked that they ended up in such a horrible film. Not Michael Caine. He wasn’t in Hollywood one year to accept his best supporting Oscar for his role in Hannah and her sisters because he was filming Jaws 4 the Revenge. If you pay him, he will act.

Or in this case over act. A lot. I guess he was being paid a lot of money so he figured if he yelled a lot that would seem like he was really acting.

Anyway – it turns out the base was attacked by killer bees – Katharine Ross (nominated for best supporting Actress for The Graduate) shows up and says she and a few survivors hid away while the bees were doing their thing. Michael Caine – who it turns out is a world famous entomologist is given complete change of the efforts to control (read wipe off the face of the earth) the killer bees. And thus begins a series of arguments between Richard Whitmark (who I did feel rather sorry for here) and Michael Cain. Indeed their CONSTANT bickering is a constant in the film.

We cut to a small nearby town – and we are introduced to Olivia De Havilland, Ben Johnson and Fred McMurray. Seems both Fred and Ben have the hots for Olivia who is the head of the town’s school. The first scene shows Fred and Ben bickering about a sign for a flower show – foreshadowing bad things – bees flowers get it?

When I saw this film I was already losing the will to live and I was only about ½ hour in.

I realize that if I try to summarize this film – which has been done by far better writers on bad movies than I am, will only induce the reader that same waiting for oblivion feeling I had while watching it. so I’ll just touch on some highlights or low lights as it where.

One of the earliest victims of the bees outside the missile base are the parents of Young Paul – he is also stung and in one of the silliest aspects of a very silly movie all folks what get stung but survive start to hallucinate huge bees. Michael Caine talks Paul down saying “there is no Bee. Reach out and touch it there is not bee.” I was whishing there was not movie just then.

Later, Paul and two of his friends attempt to destroy the killer bee nest with Molotov cocktails but as we are nowhere near the end the picture – the bees are not destroyed and run or fly amok and attack the little town were Paul lives (along with Olivia and Ben and Fred) and hundreds are killed. Paul confesses to Michael Caine what he did and is patted on the head. Later Paul dies (seems that even if you survive the initial sting there is chance you end up dead – if the screen writer needs it) at this point – Katharine Ross – who’s actual connection to Paul is rather vague melts down demanding to know why god why this child – well for one thing he helped destroy the town and maybe it was better to take him out of the game before he grew up and did more damage?

I especially despise the whole middle aged love triangle between Olivia, Ben and Fred – and here’s why – aside from you having no idea of why this sub plot is here. (there are several sub plots in this film they aren’t interwoven so much as bump into each other like strangers wandering about in a dark room) none. Nada Zippo. Granted real life has all sorts of things going on that have nothing to do with each other but this is a film about killer bees so you kind of expect things to have something to do with that. But no.

Anyway just before the bee attack both Fred and Ben ask Olivia to marry them. she says she will tell them her answer after the school year. Then the bees come and kill half the town and then it is decided to evacuate the town – Ben, Fred and Olivia get on the train with the rest and then the train pulls out and shortly thereafter the train is attacked by killer bees and because the engineer of this train is the stupidest man in the world and left the windows of the engine open – the train crashes and everybody is killed – yep even Ben Fred and Olivia (who has an embarrassing stunt where she – most likely a stunt double – is hurled through the train window as the model train crashes down the mountain side just before Godzilla steps on it. sorry Wrong movie) what on earth was the bloody point of wasting our lives with this silly sub plot if all you’re going to do at the end is have the bees kill them ? really.

But that happens to Richard Chamberlain who has his own subplot where he and Michael Caine don’t get along (surprise I guess Whitmark and Caine yelling at each other was getting tiresome) but he is killed by bees at an atomic power plant that then blows up. Jose Farrar is also blown up in this scene he has really only a walk-on part.

Henry Fonda deserves much derision for his portrayal of an expert on toxins who attempts to discover an antidote to the bee venom. He plays the role in a wheel chair and one classic moment you see him in the wheel chair kick a door open. I suspect even with a 21 million dollar budget they didn’t have a lot of retakes. Later he injects himself with bee venom and tries out his antidote., it doesn’t work. He over acts, sees a huge bee and dies. Hank did you need the money that bad?

In the end the swarm descends upon Houston which the General(who is now in charge – and who didn’t see that coming) and he ends up setting fire to Houston. “will history blame me or the bees?” he asks looking out the window – alas since you were the one who borough the flame throwers to the party – I think the onus in on you. He is later killed by bees.

Another annoying point – everybody killed by the bees dies the same way – in slow motion flailing their arms about as Styrofoam pellets painted to look like bees are shot at them by air hoses. It’s as fake as you can imagine it looks.

Lots of bees were killed for this movie as well – thousands really – they had their stingers removed by workers so they wouldn’t sting the actors or anyone else – of course removing a stinger kills the bee so they must have had to do that a lot. Again I’m not a member of PETA but it just doesn’t sit right with me.

In the end Michael Caine discovers that a sound will attract all the bees – this is a standard trope in these kind of films – for example Beginning of the End the film about giant grasshoppers used the same idea. He sets up loudspeakers out in the gulf of Mexico and pours thousands of gallons of gas on the water – after the bees have been lured in to the middle of all this – the gas is set on fire and the bees are roasted. This seems a bit much coming after Michael Caine had spent the entire film – and I mean the entire film yelling about the environmental impact of pesticides. DDT no – millions of gallons of fuel burning okay?

Well any way the film ends the credits roll and just before the screen goes blank this message comes up

“The African killer bee portrayed in this film bears absolutely no

relationship to the industrious, hard-working, American honey bee to which

we are indebted for pollinating vital crops that feed our nation”

Damn Africans.

Enjoy with tea and honey – it will soothe your throat because you’ll no doubt hurt it yell at this stupid film.