Vampire News and (oh god) A*P*E
Before moving on to the Blog topic proper – the utterly awful A*P*E – I saw this floating around in the net via Lawyers Guns and Money:
“Deceased Serbian president Slobodan Milosevic, who died in captivity in Haag last year standing on trial for War Crimes in a UN War Crimes tribunal, still seem to haunt the Serbian nation.
Recently his grave in the eastern Serbian town of Pozarevac was desecrated in a bizarre incident, when Serbian vampire hunters in accordance with old folklore and tradition wanted to make sure the late president remained dead, and drove a three-foot wooden stake into the grave and through his heart.”
Wow. I mean wow. Still considering who Milosevic was and what he did – I assume who ever did this probably figured well – better safe than sorry.
Anyway on to the movie. I’m in the prefect shape for it, I’m tired – I was up too late last night and the damned time change has me feeling like I’m jet lagged and cranky – and I don’t want to see another human being for a bit – so it’s best I’m doing this to.
Okay once you pop the DVD in (assuming you are foolish enough to actually watch this damned thing) you will see the title A*P*E – no I don’t know what the hell the asterisks are for – they never explain it during the film, like ever. I assume they must have thought it would look cool but hell and damn it is annoying right out of the box. What is this all about you wonder and you get no answer at all. While in life you get no answers really to the big questions –why am I here? What is the meaning of life? Does it have a point? You kind of expect an answer to why the damn title for the film is A*P*E. That’s a pretty small question in the scheme of things. Yes?
Well be that as it may, once the credits roll the film begins and your depression starts up. We see a toy boat in a water tank , riding high – like it was empty very high.
Anyway we have a very slow conversation between two sailors talking about the big (36 ft) ape they have in the cargo hold. They talk, again slowly, about things that maybe might have been interesting for us, the audience to see, the capture of the ape and what not – and any explanation of where in god’s name the ape came from. But no that would be cheating. In a better movie I would guess this was intentional on the part of the director reminding us of the primal mysteries of life – but not here. Besides 36 foot tall apes being rare on the ground a little explanation is deserved.
But no matter – barely do we learn of the ape in the hold than the ape (who nobody was watching I guess – hell why bother right? What could go wrong?) wakes up and punches a hole in the deck of the ship (or toy boat – whatever, it is, sadly, not the fakest thing in the film) and then the ship explodes – now either 36 foot tall apes explode upon awakening or they stored the ape in the same hold as that shipment of Nitro they had.
Either way the ship is gone and the ape is free – then the ape – and lord it’s a fake looking ape suit – not as bad as the mighty Gorga but mercy there is nothing as bad as that – but it looks more like dyed lambs wool than fur and the mouth doesn’t move much at all either. So it’s pretty fake.
So we have the fake ape swimming towards somewhere when it has a fight with what is very clearly a dead shark – the guy in the ape suit had to stand waist deep in water wearing a very heavy and very wet ape suit and then got to pretend to fight with a dead shark – and fight with the dead shark and fight with the dead shark. Ed Wood in Bride of the Monster at least had the damn sense not to make Bela spend too much time moving the arms of the giant octopus that was supposed to be eating him at the end of the film. Not here – since there isn’t much of a real story here – ape comes ashore in Korea gets killed – there has to be some, actually a lot of padding – tons of padding – you could equip a damn hockey goalie with the padding this film has.
So after the fight with the dead shark – the ape comes ashore and pretty much without a by your leave starts busting up the place – again we don’t know why – we don’t know anything about this monkey but off it goes destroying things – it then wanders off – it does that a lot.
The scene shifts and we are at Seoul Airport – we are in Korea – where a blond woman who is not Faye Wray is coming off a plane wearing a pair of those very big 70’s style sunglasses the ones that pretty much covered your head. (Alas this is not the worst fashion crime in this film) She is a famous actress come to Korea to make a movie – she is met at the airport by the Male lead (a reporter – that it matters) who is in love with her – there is some kind of disagreement problem whatever with the relationship – they are both jerks. No that’s not it – they come across as jerks but per the movie it’s that she is an actress and he’s a reporter and they can’t marry because she has a career that is important to her (it is odd how weird these arguments sound to someone listening to them in 2007 –things have changed somewhat yes?)
After some tedious banter “can I come tuck you in?” type stuff that made me write AAHHHHHHHHH on my notes. The woman who is not Faye Wray (here after NFW to save my typing skills) goes to be.
Meantime the ape has wandered into a small farming village in Korea – which, I don’t know but you’d think if they would have wanted to show Korea off – it’s a Korean production but the village looks so poor and run down that you wonder why North Korea invaded in the first place.
At this point a loud and obnoxious American Colonel enters the picture. He will yell stupid things the entire film and take up smoking –that’s about it. There is supposed to a bit of comic relief between him and his aide but the dialogue is so off the mark my notes read “did they improv this shit?”
There is some padding with some kids breaking into an abandoned children’s playground – and is there anything as creepy as that? Really. And they see the ape – this takes what seems like hours but really doesn’t’.
The ape walks away from the screaming children – I guess they want sympathy – so why the hell did he wreck the oil refinery when he came ashore?
There is some stupid business with a shake – the ugly and angry colonel makes a joke about Kong and then the ape crashes into the filming of a Korean kung fu epic – this time the people instead of running off – they try to stop him with kung fu weapons – which doesn’t work very well – this was apparently shot in 3-D (god help us) so this part features arrows coming right at you. And then in the dumbest thing so far in the film – some actors grab a log battering ram and run at the apes ankle – it’s doesn’t go over well with the ape.
And Jesus who would really do that? I’m confronted with a 36 ft tall HOSTILE ape and I’m not between it and my nearest and dearest – I’m say an actor on a set – I’m outta there write me when production starts again guys.
As the ape wanders away he comes up upon yet another shitbox farm village. Now to show his inner gentleness he steps over a cow rather than squashing it – trouble it is a plastic cow a very very fake looking plastic cow – I swear there is a key to wind it up on the side we don’t see in the movie.
The next scene shows an unexpected danger to hang gliding – you’re flying along and suddenly there you are face to face with a giant ape – granted this doesn’t happen often but I think hang gliders (and where did that sport go? Have people found another way to kill themselves these days?)
Then the most hideous fashion crime of the 70’s comes into view – the male lead has changed into a denim leisure suit – it’s awful – full disclosure – I thought they were awful when people were actually wearing these things so this isn’t just looking backward thinking here.
There is some nonsense with the NFW acting in a movie – and now the Male lead (hereinafter denim man) warns her that the Ape is on the lose and heading for Seoul.
Scenes of evacuation follow (my notes say “how many of these little shit-box towns are there in Korea anyway?)
Back at the film the movie action requires NFW to run through some gates and she does so right into the hand of the ape.
My notes at this point read “this movie is never going to end is it?”
We now see troops loading on choppers – the ape is holding a Barbie doll – it looks that way anyway – this film actually got the Korean and US army to be in it – doesn’t anybody read scripts? Good god. They find the ape, they fight – it is very very boring – at some point Denim guy rescues NFW from the ape (he had put her down to fight the helicopters – not so much fight as wave its arms around aimlessly) and then after the last helicopter crashes – the ape flips the bird – it’s the only reason to really see the film and with the magic of the DVD – you can go to about 53 minutes into the movie – watch the ape flip the bird the pop it back in it’s netflix box and send it back (I wish I had done that).
Denim guy takes NFW to the home of a friend in the police force – these is some weird dialogue in the car between the two – with NFW making oddly calm comments about Denim guy’s driving. Frankly I’d been a) gabbed by a 36 foot ape and toted around like a Barbie doll then rescued during a huge gun battle I would be more likely saying things like “SHIT FUCK JESUS! AHGGHHHHGAAAAAHHH!” or just whimpering quietly before I went into shock – not doing banter.
At this point my notes read – “ I have a headache”
The rest of the movie involves the ape looking for NFW by tearing up Seoul – (again there is a scene of evacuating Seoul - people running around in slums now as we in an urban environment - the notes read “is all of Korea a slum or a shithole?” there are incidents involving a bar girl and an very ugly and fat American and some people playing pool but there is no point to them or to life either and I still don’t know why they called it that.
At the 1 hour mark I wrote 20 minutes to go - then “totally pointless sequence” a couple of times – I’m not sure but I think it had to do with the wife of the Korean cop (where NFW was hiding out) playing with a puppet to the amusement of her kids for a good five minutes – now I love puppets but even for me 5 minutes of just a puppet gets old real fast.
So the ape finds NFW – they wander out of Seoul and then there is the endless final fight were the ape fails his arms about – or tosses rocks at tanks when then burst into flame – I don’t know much about tanks but if a rock hitting it – even a big rock – makes it burst into flame you have the armored equivalent of a ford pinto.
There is an attempted tender moment near the end of the fight scene were the ape looks down at the NFW and it looks like it sheds a tear but it could be the actor is just sweating through the suit – at this point the denim guy once again rescues NFW and off they run while the Korean and Americans shoot the unholy shit out of the ape – the ape spits blood and then dies.
In the fist of two huh? Moments the bitter American colonel shouts “let’s see him dance for his organ grinder now!” No I don’t have the faintest idea what he’s talking about. Not a clue. But there it is in the movie. Life is a senseless farce isn’t it.
Then as the ape spits blood and dies – NFW cries and denim guy says “he was too big for a small world like ours” and just what the hell does that mean?
And why the hell did they take him off his island – really – you expected those people to show up at some point during the film “Hold on that ape’s our property” but no – we just fade to the credits and I realize I’ve written 2,000 words on a terrible movie.
I need a life.
We have a gig on Thursday March 15 – at Waltz Astoria – in Astoria – I’ll put up the details tomorrow just consider this a reminder.
Peace love Organ Grinders and right back atta ya.
“Deceased Serbian president Slobodan Milosevic, who died in captivity in Haag last year standing on trial for War Crimes in a UN War Crimes tribunal, still seem to haunt the Serbian nation.
Recently his grave in the eastern Serbian town of Pozarevac was desecrated in a bizarre incident, when Serbian vampire hunters in accordance with old folklore and tradition wanted to make sure the late president remained dead, and drove a three-foot wooden stake into the grave and through his heart.”
Wow. I mean wow. Still considering who Milosevic was and what he did – I assume who ever did this probably figured well – better safe than sorry.
Anyway on to the movie. I’m in the prefect shape for it, I’m tired – I was up too late last night and the damned time change has me feeling like I’m jet lagged and cranky – and I don’t want to see another human being for a bit – so it’s best I’m doing this to.
Okay once you pop the DVD in (assuming you are foolish enough to actually watch this damned thing) you will see the title A*P*E – no I don’t know what the hell the asterisks are for – they never explain it during the film, like ever. I assume they must have thought it would look cool but hell and damn it is annoying right out of the box. What is this all about you wonder and you get no answer at all. While in life you get no answers really to the big questions –why am I here? What is the meaning of life? Does it have a point? You kind of expect an answer to why the damn title for the film is A*P*E. That’s a pretty small question in the scheme of things. Yes?
Well be that as it may, once the credits roll the film begins and your depression starts up. We see a toy boat in a water tank , riding high – like it was empty very high.
Anyway we have a very slow conversation between two sailors talking about the big (36 ft) ape they have in the cargo hold. They talk, again slowly, about things that maybe might have been interesting for us, the audience to see, the capture of the ape and what not – and any explanation of where in god’s name the ape came from. But no that would be cheating. In a better movie I would guess this was intentional on the part of the director reminding us of the primal mysteries of life – but not here. Besides 36 foot tall apes being rare on the ground a little explanation is deserved.
But no matter – barely do we learn of the ape in the hold than the ape (who nobody was watching I guess – hell why bother right? What could go wrong?) wakes up and punches a hole in the deck of the ship (or toy boat – whatever, it is, sadly, not the fakest thing in the film) and then the ship explodes – now either 36 foot tall apes explode upon awakening or they stored the ape in the same hold as that shipment of Nitro they had.
Either way the ship is gone and the ape is free – then the ape – and lord it’s a fake looking ape suit – not as bad as the mighty Gorga but mercy there is nothing as bad as that – but it looks more like dyed lambs wool than fur and the mouth doesn’t move much at all either. So it’s pretty fake.
So we have the fake ape swimming towards somewhere when it has a fight with what is very clearly a dead shark – the guy in the ape suit had to stand waist deep in water wearing a very heavy and very wet ape suit and then got to pretend to fight with a dead shark – and fight with the dead shark and fight with the dead shark. Ed Wood in Bride of the Monster at least had the damn sense not to make Bela spend too much time moving the arms of the giant octopus that was supposed to be eating him at the end of the film. Not here – since there isn’t much of a real story here – ape comes ashore in Korea gets killed – there has to be some, actually a lot of padding – tons of padding – you could equip a damn hockey goalie with the padding this film has.
So after the fight with the dead shark – the ape comes ashore and pretty much without a by your leave starts busting up the place – again we don’t know why – we don’t know anything about this monkey but off it goes destroying things – it then wanders off – it does that a lot.
The scene shifts and we are at Seoul Airport – we are in Korea – where a blond woman who is not Faye Wray is coming off a plane wearing a pair of those very big 70’s style sunglasses the ones that pretty much covered your head. (Alas this is not the worst fashion crime in this film) She is a famous actress come to Korea to make a movie – she is met at the airport by the Male lead (a reporter – that it matters) who is in love with her – there is some kind of disagreement problem whatever with the relationship – they are both jerks. No that’s not it – they come across as jerks but per the movie it’s that she is an actress and he’s a reporter and they can’t marry because she has a career that is important to her (it is odd how weird these arguments sound to someone listening to them in 2007 –things have changed somewhat yes?)
After some tedious banter “can I come tuck you in?” type stuff that made me write AAHHHHHHHHH on my notes. The woman who is not Faye Wray (here after NFW to save my typing skills) goes to be.
Meantime the ape has wandered into a small farming village in Korea – which, I don’t know but you’d think if they would have wanted to show Korea off – it’s a Korean production but the village looks so poor and run down that you wonder why North Korea invaded in the first place.
At this point a loud and obnoxious American Colonel enters the picture. He will yell stupid things the entire film and take up smoking –that’s about it. There is supposed to a bit of comic relief between him and his aide but the dialogue is so off the mark my notes read “did they improv this shit?”
There is some padding with some kids breaking into an abandoned children’s playground – and is there anything as creepy as that? Really. And they see the ape – this takes what seems like hours but really doesn’t’.
The ape walks away from the screaming children – I guess they want sympathy – so why the hell did he wreck the oil refinery when he came ashore?
There is some stupid business with a shake – the ugly and angry colonel makes a joke about Kong and then the ape crashes into the filming of a Korean kung fu epic – this time the people instead of running off – they try to stop him with kung fu weapons – which doesn’t work very well – this was apparently shot in 3-D (god help us) so this part features arrows coming right at you. And then in the dumbest thing so far in the film – some actors grab a log battering ram and run at the apes ankle – it’s doesn’t go over well with the ape.
And Jesus who would really do that? I’m confronted with a 36 ft tall HOSTILE ape and I’m not between it and my nearest and dearest – I’m say an actor on a set – I’m outta there write me when production starts again guys.
As the ape wanders away he comes up upon yet another shitbox farm village. Now to show his inner gentleness he steps over a cow rather than squashing it – trouble it is a plastic cow a very very fake looking plastic cow – I swear there is a key to wind it up on the side we don’t see in the movie.
The next scene shows an unexpected danger to hang gliding – you’re flying along and suddenly there you are face to face with a giant ape – granted this doesn’t happen often but I think hang gliders (and where did that sport go? Have people found another way to kill themselves these days?)
Then the most hideous fashion crime of the 70’s comes into view – the male lead has changed into a denim leisure suit – it’s awful – full disclosure – I thought they were awful when people were actually wearing these things so this isn’t just looking backward thinking here.
There is some nonsense with the NFW acting in a movie – and now the Male lead (hereinafter denim man) warns her that the Ape is on the lose and heading for Seoul.
Scenes of evacuation follow (my notes say “how many of these little shit-box towns are there in Korea anyway?)
Back at the film the movie action requires NFW to run through some gates and she does so right into the hand of the ape.
My notes at this point read “this movie is never going to end is it?”
We now see troops loading on choppers – the ape is holding a Barbie doll – it looks that way anyway – this film actually got the Korean and US army to be in it – doesn’t anybody read scripts? Good god. They find the ape, they fight – it is very very boring – at some point Denim guy rescues NFW from the ape (he had put her down to fight the helicopters – not so much fight as wave its arms around aimlessly) and then after the last helicopter crashes – the ape flips the bird – it’s the only reason to really see the film and with the magic of the DVD – you can go to about 53 minutes into the movie – watch the ape flip the bird the pop it back in it’s netflix box and send it back (I wish I had done that).
Denim guy takes NFW to the home of a friend in the police force – these is some weird dialogue in the car between the two – with NFW making oddly calm comments about Denim guy’s driving. Frankly I’d been a) gabbed by a 36 foot ape and toted around like a Barbie doll then rescued during a huge gun battle I would be more likely saying things like “SHIT FUCK JESUS! AHGGHHHHGAAAAAHHH!” or just whimpering quietly before I went into shock – not doing banter.
At this point my notes read – “ I have a headache”
The rest of the movie involves the ape looking for NFW by tearing up Seoul – (again there is a scene of evacuating Seoul - people running around in slums now as we in an urban environment - the notes read “is all of Korea a slum or a shithole?” there are incidents involving a bar girl and an very ugly and fat American and some people playing pool but there is no point to them or to life either and I still don’t know why they called it that.
At the 1 hour mark I wrote 20 minutes to go - then “totally pointless sequence” a couple of times – I’m not sure but I think it had to do with the wife of the Korean cop (where NFW was hiding out) playing with a puppet to the amusement of her kids for a good five minutes – now I love puppets but even for me 5 minutes of just a puppet gets old real fast.
So the ape finds NFW – they wander out of Seoul and then there is the endless final fight were the ape fails his arms about – or tosses rocks at tanks when then burst into flame – I don’t know much about tanks but if a rock hitting it – even a big rock – makes it burst into flame you have the armored equivalent of a ford pinto.
There is an attempted tender moment near the end of the fight scene were the ape looks down at the NFW and it looks like it sheds a tear but it could be the actor is just sweating through the suit – at this point the denim guy once again rescues NFW and off they run while the Korean and Americans shoot the unholy shit out of the ape – the ape spits blood and then dies.
In the fist of two huh? Moments the bitter American colonel shouts “let’s see him dance for his organ grinder now!” No I don’t have the faintest idea what he’s talking about. Not a clue. But there it is in the movie. Life is a senseless farce isn’t it.
Then as the ape spits blood and dies – NFW cries and denim guy says “he was too big for a small world like ours” and just what the hell does that mean?
And why the hell did they take him off his island – really – you expected those people to show up at some point during the film “Hold on that ape’s our property” but no – we just fade to the credits and I realize I’ve written 2,000 words on a terrible movie.
I need a life.
We have a gig on Thursday March 15 – at Waltz Astoria – in Astoria – I’ll put up the details tomorrow just consider this a reminder.
Peace love Organ Grinders and right back atta ya.
posted by Unknown at 7:24 PM
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