Gorga Review Part 2

Now where was I – oh god yes in Africa.

Upon arrival in Africa – (again we know we are in Africa because there are drums –otherwise we wouldn’t have the faintest idea – we could be anywhere really) – the male lead lights a cigarette and calls the trapper. After a short conversation that we don’t really hear – the Male lead gets in a car and drives out to the trapper.

As he pulls into the trappers compound he sees a black guy (well it is Africa you’d have to expect this yes) and then makes a compete ass of himself – first talking in some kind of pidgin Swahili then in what I can only call movie Africa “you know were I find bwanna?” before the black guy (who’s name is George) says – in perfect English – “I don’t understand what you are saying.”

You can almost hear the sound track go Waaa-Waaa.

Like so much of this film I don’t understand why the hell they did this – the joke (I am an ignorant white man who assumes all black people are stupid but it turns out I’m stupid) isn’t that funny and really what the hell does this say about our male lead? You want folks to think he’s a jerk (he maybe but let’s not let the cat out of the bag if he is - you know?)

As the Male lead approaches – we meet the female lead (she is the trapper’s daughter) and the Evil Animal Trapper (did we need another evil guy? And one so much like the first evil guy? ) the Evil Animal Trapper it turns out is holding a note, signed by the trapper (who has gone missing in the bush a while ago we learn through some painfully stilted dialogue) that the Trapper’s daughter can’t pay. Again the evil trapped does everything but twirl his moustache and go muh-ha-ha. (Again if you were in Africa and greedy and evil wouldn’t there be simpler ways to get money than trapping animals – like say poaching or just robbing damn banks – being an evil animal trapper seems like such a lot of work). The trapper’s daughter (oh I’m proud to be an animal trapper’s daughter – sorry about that) who for some reason is not blonde (why? Why miss this cliché? Of all of them you miss that one? I just don’t get this film). She is pinning her hopes on selling a prize water buffalo – we see a shot of the water buffalo – who looks pretty damn upset to be in this movie I can tell you. The evil trapper retreats but then later, sets fire to the water buffalo’s cage (again gee this seems like a lot of work) and the buffalo (off screen the budget of this film doesn’t allow us to show anything exciting) is reduced to burger meat.

At this point the male lead tossed some money at the evil trapper – redeeming the note and then asking the trapper’s daughter to take him to the Plateau where the trapper vanished. At first she is reluctant but since the damn movie is titled Gorga and they can’t sit around and bicker the rest of the film – they have to go forward.

So at 30 minutes (lord did it seem so much longer) we set out with the Male Lead, the Trapper’s Daughter, George and two porters (smallest damn safari I’ve ever seen) in to Green Hell – although it looks a lot more like Green heck but let’s not quibble.

At this point we flash back to Gorga who still looks fucking stupid – my notes get a little hazy at this point – “what the hell is this?” is one – anyway the witch doctor – who we only see looking up at Gorga through a hole in his hut (a kind of sun roof if you will) promises Gorga Maidens if he attacks those who look to menace the treasure of his people (this is of course the first we’ve heard about a treasure – or maidens for that matter other than that woman in the opening) Gorga wanders off.

Meantime – because, well just because, the Male lead and the Trapper’s daughter leave George and the porters behind and go off on their own following the trail or map or something – I don’t remember and my notes by this point are just squiggles along with comments like “Jesus this is fucking pointless” and “why does the Male lead’s coat look pink now? Bad dry-cleaning?”

At any rate they come to the plateau (since the lost world, there has always been a plateau) that they have to climb up a very very narrow track. So they do.

My notes show I seem to have recovered somewhat and I noted that if this is the only way up the plateau- it’s going to be real bear getting a 40 foot ape down – provided they capture him – down this narrow track.

But no matter they manage to climb up – in what feels like slightly less time than it took the ice retreated at the end of the last ice age but they are up at the top.

As they explore talk about how unusual the vegetation is (we don’t get to see it, that pesky budget) and then they find big purple eggs (I make a note here “Barney?”) and then just as they are coming to the startling conclusion that these are dinosaur eggs – hey presto a dinosaur – a really stupid looking dinosaur – more like a man in a kid’s costume - shows up. The male lead holds him off by tossing its eggs at it (my notes here read grfffilenatwanntaaaa…and trail off) then they run and run straight into the mighty Gorga – who fights the dinosaur in the worst monster fight ever (my notes simply state “stupid”)

After the fight – the male lead shoots the gorilla with a drugged bullet – since we are running out of time – Gorga falls to the ground instantly – the female lead bandages Gorga’s hand – injured in the ‘fight’ with the dinosaur. And then just a quickly as he keeled over, Gorga comes to and wanders away.

Things being happened quickly – I suspect the film makers were running out of film stock and had to get everything done at once so the Male lead and the Trapper’s daughter are captured by the natives – who look like they are from the Amazon (for a movie that is supposed to be set in Africa there aren’t a lot of Africans in the film) turns out a) Trapper has been held there b) the treasure is from King Solomon..

Okay like right – like King Solomon lord of Israel is going to decide one day “boys load my treasure on camels and just head due south until you find someplace in the jungle to hide my stuff”

So they end up escaping the natives (3 of them) because Gorga remembering that they bandaged his finger attacks the village for them – they escape down a cave which is a ancient volcano – which in the manner of these films is starting to erupt again – they get the treasure – escaping the guardian beast – which I swear was stock footage from Hercules and the Dragon – I have the film I will check – and the plateau is destroyed in an explosion. (Off camera again except for some dirt being tossed on the actors – shit this film couldn’t even afford stock footage.)

As they head back to civilization – the run into the evil trapper (like I said this just seems to be hard work for an evil greedy man – hanging out in the jungle on the off chance that trapper’s daughter and the male lead will return with pockets full of treasure.) who shoots George, then his own henchman and then just as he’s about to shoot the male lead, the trapper and the trapper’s daughter, Gorga comes in (my notes say “Deus ex guy in ape suit”) and kills the evil trapper.

His work done Gorga wanders away – the trapper’s daughter and the male lead hold each other and the film ends – not before doing permanent damage to me (Christ on a crutch this is the second time I’ve seen this shit heap).

A*P*E for the weekend – promise – unless le Bug of Blue gets to level 15.

Report out says FBI abused provisions of the patriot act. Everybody now – like duh. Like that’s a surprise.

Peace love, trappers.