Destroy All Monsters - Yellow.

Watching this film again the overwhelming sense I get is yellow – the clouds of gas are yellow, the uniforms are yellow and the space suits of the crew of the space ship (S-Y-three or something) are a blinding yellow that look like they are advertising French’s Mustard. They are hideous. Truly awful – you need shades to look at them.

The film is set in 1999 or as Crow T Robot of Mystery Science Theater 3000 said about another film – our old future. Side Note: It’s interesting that most of the films in the 1950’s were far to conservative about our progress in outer space but films in the 1960’s have us with moon bases a plenty with eyes on Mars (which well hasn’t and most like won’t happen for a while, like my lifetime) End side note.

The idea is that all the Monsters (Godzilla, Mothra, Rodan, and the rest) are confined on an Ogasawara island - called “Monster land” in the film. (This is off of the dubbed version of the film; again I can’t imagine that the original Japanese language film is quite this stupid.) And are kept there to keep from wrecking Tokyo again. (Like I said never live in Tokyo). There is a disturbing bit where Rodan (the big winged monster) eats a dolphin. I cringed when I saw this back at the kiddy matinee at the old Beacon Theater in Port Washington. (I am pretty old).

Again as a side note let me say that the US DVD is awful - no chapters, no Japanese language version, no additional features nothing. It stinks. It’s stuff like this that makes geeks like me buy bootleg copies of things.

So all this is explained as the Female lead is being helicoptered into the base – there she is told that her job is to help on of the main scientists with studying the monsters. Which I thought was a heck of time to learn what the hell your job is supposed to be. What the hell did they talk about during the interviews? “Are you okay with wearing a lot of yellow? Like really hideous yellow?”

So just as the female lead arrives, she gets a phone call from her boyfriend on the moon. He is the Male lead, captain of the SY-3 spaceship, and he is a jerk. I really can not say that enough. He’s a self impressed jackass. The very first thing he does is complain about the cost of the call. Well then don’t frickin’ call numnuts. So as he’s making very very odd small talk “I think there are monsters here on the moon.” Then the connection is cut off, power goes out and then yellow (of course) gas knocks all the staff out. And then the monsters vanish.

The monsters re-appear attacking various cities (featuring maybe the worst French and Russian accents in the history of dubbing). Captain Jerk and his ace crew (in the yellow) go to Monster Island and discover that the staff of monster island is working or under the control of silver clad alien women called the Kilaacks ( I take my spelling off of the IMDB so if it’s wrong its their bad). Captain Jerk is upset that they aren’t wearing yellow and yells things like “You’ve just destroyed some major cities…Now who are you?”– (he does this a lot – and he doesn’t believe the Kilaacks are aliens – did I mention he’s a jerk?) And eventually there is gunfire. Captain Jerk and the crew of the SY-3 manage to drag off the Chief Scientist of the base with them.

Later the Captain Jerk and a Senior Official are interviewing the Chief Scientist in a hotel room on a cliff overlooking a beach. I’m not sure why. This guy is apparently in cahoots with aliens and has unleashed the monsters of Monster Land (gad what a name) upon the world causing untold death and destruction. Would it be too much to suggest that a jail cell would have been better? There are some empty threats from Captain Jerk “I think he’s faking it (he doesn’t say what it is) “he’s keeping quiet…cause he knows too much” – Really it’s like he got acting and speech lessons from William Shatner. Then as Jerk and the senior official have a cigarette, the Chief Scientist, stands up, walks over to the window, opens it and jumps to his death. Way to go guys.

The female lead and some other possessed earthlings try to take the body away along with Captain Jerk but they are prevented by the arrival of “the special police” who apparently have to wear the ugliest brown suits in the world – I think the costume designer hated the cast. Still it would have been nice to have had one of those Special Police say standing by the window. Ah well.

During the Autopsy (which is attended by Captain Jerk for some reason) it turns out that there was a little transmitter in the guys head making him do the aliens bidding. Then they find the monster have the same sort of control.

Meantime the Monsters attack Tokyo, a lot of monsters attack Tokyo – prompting one character to say “London, New York, Moscow, Paris. They were lucky” Lucky to be laid waste to by only one monster? That’s a funny kind of luck. During this attack the Female lead is released from alien control – after a real nasty exchange between her and Captain Jerk. “This is just like…Blackmail” He says. “You keep quiet” she says, speaking for audience. Then he rips the girl’s ear rings off her ears – she faints with blood pouring from each ear. I really don’t think much of their long term potential as a couple. Then, leaving the woman he loves lying unconscious on the floor, Captain Jerk shows the earrings off with a “look how smart I am” look on his face. This conversation goes on for a quite a while before he pays any attention to the bleeding woman lying inert on the floor. (Did I mention he’s a jerk?) As a side note in this scene he is wearing Ketchup red. Really ugly red.

There is a lot of toing and frowing after this – and it turns out that the monsters are controlled by commands coming from a transmitter that is on the moon – how it does this when the earth is round and any kind of electromagnetic waves would not bend around the part of the earth that is facing away from the moon is not addressed. But this is a movie with guys in monster suits after all – not science 101.

The SY-3 goes to the moon – which apparently has a swamp – no I’m not kidding. They say ‘we’ll turn at the swamp’ – I really have to wonder if the folks that wrote the English language version knew anything at all. This is not the kind of mistake – non-English speakers writing English which gave us the memorable phrase “all you base are belong to us” - this is just dumb and lazy.

The crew of the SY-3 discovers the alien base and disconnects the control center and discovers the weakness of the aliens – they turn to rocks when the temperature is too low. The scene goes on much too damn long with Captain Jerk yelling at everybody – he really needs some anger management issues. I’d hate to hear what the crew says about him when he’s not there

There is another monster battle with the earth controlling the earth monsters and King Ghidora the three headed monster, followed by a final battle between the crew of the SY-3 and the aliens – where Captain Jerk says “Everybody is now… ready for action.” – well yes we’re in a space ship fighting a flying saucer. What the hell else would be we be ready for? Baking? Nitwit. Still all ends happily with the monsters back on Monster Island and everybody dressed in yellow. Really hideous yellow. Except Captain Jerk who for the only time in the film is in civvies. Why? Damned if I know.

Minor bit of trivia – this movie marks the last appearance of Varan the Unbelievable who has a quick cameo at the end of the film – the suit was apparently in too bad shape to do much else.

Other bit of trivia – Bargon is mentioned twice but never shows up.

Random Neural Firings

A woman has been charged, per the nets, with attempted malicious castration. I’m not sure there is any other kind.

Saddam is dead. Another dictator comes to a bad end. It will change nothing and proves nothing.

The weird thing was that the press reported that W was asleep when the news came though and wasn’t awakened. But it was about 9 pm at night in Texas. Who the hell over the age of 7 is sound asleep at 9 pm?

To anyone who had any doubts that Ford’s Pardon of Nixon was a bad idea, Dick Cheney’s praise of the actions should remove them. Cheney is like a lodestone for evil – he is irresistibly drawn to it.

Many kind things are being said about Ford – I doubt very much Jimmy Carter (who seems to the odds on favorite to be the next to go) will get the same kind of treatment from the pundit class.

Blogger has been a complete pain hates pictures - maybe the Yellow.

Peace, Love, Rubber Monsters

City Life, Iggy Pop and Snowmen

It’s tourist season in New York – Around where I work the place is crawling with them today – I guess they are in town for New Years but it makes getting anyplace on foot an exercise in keeping that resolution not to wack people on the head with a ball pean hammer. As a public service to all New York visitors I’d like to suggest a few tips before you come to the big apple:

1). You’re spending a fair amount of change to get here, and New York’s expensive (yes I know) but before you get here for god’s sake GET A MAP! And at least one decent guide book. I can’t tell you the number of people I’ve seen wandering the streets these last two weeks with a blank look on their face like they were just snatched from a cornfield drugged, probed and then dropped in the middle of herald square. Come on. You dressed yourself, you can’t be that stupid. Read the guidebook figure out what you want to do and do it. We’re busy people here.

2) You walk up or down stairs just like at home. Every night this week I’ve bumped into someone who, upon reaching the subway stairs, apparently forgets what to do next.

3) If you must walk seven abreast down the street at least do it at a reasonable pace – it’s been like driving up a narrow mountain road behind a slow 18 wheeler these days. It’s this more than anything else stretches the ball pean hammer resolution to the breaking point.

4) Yes that’s the Empire State Building. Really.

5) The cabs with the lights on top are available – this is actually not a joke. Hell I’ve even seen natives try and flag down engaged cabs. And off duty means off duty. And because New York is New York, Cabbies go off duty at 5 pm so it’s impossible to get a cab then.

I’m late to the party on this but I still find Carnival Cruise lines using Iggy Pop’s Lust for Life as a theme song to be very odd. It’s not as depressing as the use of the Who’s Happy Jack as a theme for a Hummer – and lord did that ad send all the wrong messages about things 1) it’s better to cheat 2) show you independence by driving a huge expensive clumsy gas guzzler – or as wrong Wrangler using Fortunate Son as the theme for their jeans. I mean did anybody listen to the whole song? That first verse is about flag waving hypocrites not good old American boys in jeans – they are using a Steve Miller theme now in ads that look, if memory serves, just wrong somehow. I think it’s the models they used, none of them look comfortable in jeans, being outdoors, or touching a woman).

Anyway back to Lust for Life – which is a great song by the way. One DJ said it is the perfect song to start a lease breaking party with (I’ve got speakers that shake walls – so if I ever have to do that on she goes). So the Carnival commercials use the drum intro and then Iggy and Chorus singing “Lust for life”

What they leave out is this little bit:

Here comes Johnny Yin again
With his liquor and drugs
And his sex machine
He’s gonna do another strip tease

Hey man where’d you get that lotion?
You skin starts itchin’ once you buy the gimmick
About something’ called love, yeah love love love
Well that’s like hypnotizing chickens
(That is one of my all time favorite rock and roll lines cause it’s just so odd and cynical at the same time – well done Mr. Pop)

Well I am just a modern Guy
Of course I had it in the ear before
‘cause of a lust for life (oooo) - © Iggy Pop/David Bowie

And so on.

The song later describes Mr. Pop as tired of beating his brains on Liquor and drugs and being worth a million in prizes for his torture film.

Not quite the family friendly Atmosphere that Carnival is trying to convey – unless your family is a bit off.

I’m not begrudging Iggy the cash Carnival spent on the song – it’s not like he’s rolling in the dough.

Still I’d like to see someone do an advertisement using another song on the cd that I’m fond of: “Some Weird Sin” I think a restaurant setting might work.

Random Neural Firings:

Seems Saddam is going to hang sometime soon – which I think is going to turn out to be a mistake. Not cause I have sympathy for Saddam, but because this gang of clowns hasn’t put a foot right in Iraq ever and I’m sure this will end up turning a despised dictator into a martyr and a symbol for the both the sunis and shiites to rally around.

Senator Lieberman seems to have forgotten he was against the war just before the election and is now jabbering like a magpie in the Washington post about how we need more troops in Iraq. To quote the last line of this junk “Rather than engaging in hand-wringing, carping or calls for withdrawal, we must summon the vision, will and courage to take the difficult and decisive steps needed for success and, yes, victory in Iraq.”

I’m going to say something rude: “Fuck you Joe. Just fuck you.” Far better men and women than you are going to be killed and wounded in a futile chase after ‘victory’ in Iraq. And stop lecturing the American people about their need to toughen up. The message was sent to you “get out”. This combination of arrogance and clueless ness makes me blood boil.

W has once again decided to lecture the American people that we don’t know what the stakes are in Iraq. Every time he does this, I am reminded of the quip that “he talks about things like he’s talking to an idiot because that is the way they are explained to him.”

Saw an old British Hammer film the Abominable Snowman – for it’s time (56) it’s very well done, while it’s obvious most of it is done on a sound stage they do try to make look as read as they can. The story is pretty straightforward – exhibition goes up the Himalayas to catch the Abominable Snowman and are sorry they do. It being a British film there is a half a brain in its head and it’s not terrified of people talking. The only problem here is that they never have a full shot of the Snowman and people have a tendency to talk over each other – while this was the director’s idea to make it seem more like real life, (as some one quipped “Nobody Listens and if you try it for a while you’ll find out why”) it makes it hard to follow what is going on here sometimes.

Over the weekend – Destroy All Monsters – and resolutions.

Peace love weird sins

End of Year Stress, BloodRayne and such like.

Well it’s the end of the year and we’re all feelin’ it. There are some big changes at work here in my firm that will take place on 1/2/07 which is adding to the natural end of year “my god we haven’t met our quota” b.s. that infects all corporations as their year comes to an end.

I’m not going to go too much into the details cause well it isn’t right to do so suffice to say it is involving a transfer of power and that is never a smooth thing, even with the best will in the world and, alas, the wills here are not the best in the world.

So the tension here is pretty thick and the stress makes it worse and people are snapping at folks because of things other than what is going on. It’s a pretty depressing place these days. Really if I want to deal with a place were tensions seethe and things are not spoken of but you know things are going wrong and there is that huge dead elephant in the living room that nobody speaks of, I’ll just cast my memory back to my childhood.

Again not going to go into details cause well that’s other people’s lives let’s just say I always know where the damage was done and know why I can feel the way I do.

That said – I started this morning listening to Ministry – perversely I find their combination of sped up Sabbath riffs, churning Industrial noise, and as bleak a world view as you can get – sample lines: “I don’t believe in happy endings” “they live without hope” “Never trust a Junky” to be strangely calming. They put me in an odd place where I find the void just something that is there and is just no big deal and I view my hopes, desires and dreams indeed existence with a kind of bemused contempt. I’m not saying its good but that’s what it does. Sometimes I need to detach.

Thinking about it I am going to rewatch Destroy All Monsters this weekend – I think Captain Dickweed needs a serious examination – he totally annoyed the hell out of me – was a colossal jerk and for some strange reason is the hero of the film and as such I want a bit of payback.

Yes A wonderful life is a nice film but the last time I watched it I kept wanting George to once, just once, to stop being such an enabling milquetoast putz and tell who ever the hell it was that was trying to get him to put his life on the back burner (again) to just to stop looking to him to be the god damn town saint. All the people in his life took shameless advantage of the fact that George was going to be there to pick up whatever mess they made of their lives. That George did not smash Uncle Billy’s skull with a ball pean hammer when found out Uncle Billy had screwed up (and does anybody here think that this was the first time for ol’ Uncle Billy? Jesus.) is simply beyond me.

And looking at the film from a religious angle – since we are presented with the given of an omnipotent god (or blinking star), we are forced to conclude that every dream and desire that George Bailey ever had in his life was thwarted, crushed or destroyed to the point where George is ready to kill himself, simply so one of his angels will have a chance to earn his wings. Really nice fellow this god person.

Woke up with a song in my head but by the time I was able to find a pen and paper the whole thing had vanished. I hate when that happens. It might not have been any good but then again it might have. Now we won’t know for a while, these things have a way of popping up again over time.

I see that Bloodrayne has made several lists of the worst movies of the year. Not too surprised here but while incoherent, filled with hey look shiny thing special effects that added nothing to the story, wooden acting and heaps o’heaps of buckets of blood I have to say it doesn’t rank among the worst that I’ve ever seen – then again I am a professional – what I call bad would probably make a mainline critic tear his eyes out with those little plastic spoons that they give you at the movies when you buy ice cream.

BloodRayne does earn bonus points for the Director challenging anybody for that wrote nasty things about the film to a boxing match and that the two female leads are having an affair.

I think the stupidest idea for a movie this year was remaking the Poseidon Adventure. I mean come oooonnnnnn. Better to film the musical someone did of it than remake the movie. I really thing there has to be someone in a studio whose job it is, is to say “is this really a good idea?” and “so who is going to buy tickets for this” – yes you can do art films but this isn’t art kids – this was done to make money. Which it didn’t. It ranks up there in stupid with the shot for shot remake of Psycho a few years back. That was painful watching the critics for some reason not call the director stupid for doing this (at least before the film came out – after that he was fair game).

For some reason I feel bad that there hasn’t been a man in an ape costume movie since Congo (1995)– which was a bomb and explains why there hasn’t been any man in ape costume movies since. Not counting Planet of the Apes which is different. It’s a weird emotion to have but there you go.

The president is pretending to have a meeting this weekend on Iraq. Since everybody’s who’s going to be at the meeting already thinks the same way as he does – what’s the damn point of this?

Rice: You’re great
Cheney: Wonderful
Harris: You’re always right
W: Say more.
Clerk (to aide standing at the door): How long as this been going on?
Aide: Three hours now.
Clerk: Any sign of letting up?
Aide: Not yet – I’ll let you know.
Rice: We can win in Iraq
Cheney: Let’s bomb Iran
Harris: You’re so good.
W: We Make boom boom! we win
Aide (takes flask out of pocket hands it to clerk) here.
Clerk: What?
Aide: It’s gonna be a while and I’ll be damned if I’m going to listen to this circle jerk sober – I’d suggest the same to you.
Clerk: Thanks.

Well – soon some resolutions – Like not smashing in skulls with a ball pean hammer- that I think I’ll be able to keep.

Image: Dina Rigg again - yes I'm a little obsessed. Back off it's been a rough day.

Gerald Ford and other thoughts

Gerald Ford goes the way of James Brown. There is an old saw that “they come in threes” which isn’t really true except that if you wait long enough after a famous person dies – two more will pop off.

Gerald’s major act as president was to pardon Richard Nixon. An act that I remember totally and completely pissed me off when I heard about it and didn’t sit any better in my craw as Nixon wormed his way back to being “an elder statesman” instead of the “convicted and imprisoned national disgrace”. Now while I think it is a dead solid cert that there was a deal cut it was still a bad idea. The total purging of Richard Nixon’s brand of “what the president does is right” thinking from the body politic of America would at the very least prevented Nixon from re-emerging from the sewer (tell us how you really feel bob) and could have at least given a bit of a brake to the current occupant’s rush towards government by presidential decree and signing statement.

Oddly enough Ford was also on the Warren commission – which closed the book on the JFK murder as quickly as they could. I have grave doubts that the official story is true – however I’m not of a mind to proscribe an active cover up to the Warren commission, I thnk there was this “we got a shooter, he's dead, we have a traumatized country, let’s get this over with quickly” mindset. An example of the rush thinking that I remember off the top of my head– in the bio of Oswald the Warren Report mentions that he served in the Marines and “may have had access” to secret information about our radars.

May have had access. Incredible. They don’t know? This is a commission investigating the crime of the century – and they don’t know. Guys, that’s a phone call. You don’t need to know what the secrets are you just want to confirm that he did or did not have access to classified information while Oswald was based at X. The call is 10 minutes tops.

Which does place Gerry Ford in a very strange position of being at the clean up of the two major events in the post war era – the Kennedy assassination and Nixon’s resignation.

He also give Chevy Chase (remember him) his ten minutes of fame as Chase would open the first seasons of Saturday Nite Live by pretending to be Ford and tripping all over things before saying “live from New York! It’s Saturday Night!”

But he wasn’t evil or crazy or both. Which I guess is something.

Speaking of bugf-k crazy, our leader has gone to the ranch to cut brush and pretend he hasn’t already decided to put 20,000+ more troops in Iraq for 18 months.

18 months. That is not a temporary surge – that is the gestation period of a humpback whale. Which is a long long time.

Does he have to drool on himself before they start to suggest that perhaps maybe just maybe the president is completely batshit and something needs to be done to prevent him from wasting more blood and treasure? Maybe if he starts clicking ball bearings during a press conference like Captain Queeg in the Cane Mutiny. Maybe then. But probably not.

Plan on going to the open Mike at Waltz tonight – probably not many folks about but we need exposure and to hump the 169 bar gig.

By the way the details on the 169 Bar gig are as follows:
Where: 169 Bar – 169 East Broadway
Feb 4th At 10 pm.
Cover - $8.00

We need at least 6 people to play – 10 to get a share of the proceeds. So bring friends and if you don’t have friends make some for god’s sake. I have friends it's not that hard.

Picture is taken from http://www.superdickery.com – if you haven’t visited it please do – it’s a wonderful site that has hundreds of bizarre and weird comic book covers and pages– one theme being “Superman is a Dick”. There is one whole set of covers showing Superman crushing his friends dreams and hopes or just acting like dick.

It's Boxing Day

Which in England it is traditional to dress up in shorts and gloves and whack the hell out of each other – well no not really – nobody’s really sure what the deal with boxing day is but it’s come to be a day when you go visit friends and family you didn’t get to see on Christmas Day. Seems like a nice tradition but if it ever took off in the US we’d just end up with “Boxing Day Madness” sales where the stores open at 6 am because people didn’t get a chance to shop enough during the 6 week build up to Christmas.

Working on the play a bit these days – prelim stuff – like who sings what and when – and we got someone with a key board who will be able to work the music and add things like an overture (gasp) and incidental music here and there.

The net brought us news that James Brown is dead. Another giant gone – I don’t know but it just feels like this era where American Idol is the pop ideal, in the future when the current generation goes, people aren’t going to be as moved. James Brown was so influential – an obit claimed that one of this songs has been sampled over a 100 times by hip hop artists and not just for the music, there was , the showmanship, and, when in his prime, his mind boggling dance movies and the flat out truth that he was the hardest working man in show business. He had a rough personal life and was a terror to his band but he never gave the fans less than everything he had. Rest in Peace and Hit me!

Meantime inside the bubble W is trying to tell himself that the message of the elections was that we want more bi-partisanship, which to W means doing exactly what he wants to do and then having Joe Lieberman say on fox news what a good idea it was.

The war on Christmas is over until next year. It’s been very depressing to watch this whole thing turn what is a pretty nice idea (treating other people nicely for a change) into a time where mean spirited thin skinned biddies of both sexes throw pouty fits on television and just piss all over the good feelings like a dog with bad kidneys. Thanks guys, looking forward to what nonsense you come up with next year.

Watched Godzilla films a lot over the weekend (you have your holiday traditions and I have mine) some notes.

1. Never live in Tokyo, like ever. It’s dangerous to be even near Tokyo since the monsters keep coming ashore and heading for Tokyo.

2. Osaka isn’t a much safer bet.

3. Mothra is in these films a lot.

4. I hear one more song to Mothra I’m going to go nuts.

5. The male lead in Destroy all Monsters is an asshole. A total jerk. Or course it could be the dubbing or the fact he has to wear in a very Bright mustard yellow space suit which makes him look like he should be driving the French’s Mustard Float in a parade that made him so bitter.

6. They have about 33 names for Angularis (the hedgehog like monster that first showed up in Godzilla Raids Again) none of them very good.

7. Akihiko Hirata shows up in two films wearing an eye patch. (Godzilla and Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster) – damned if I know why.

8. While they tired in the late 70’s to get a more adult look to the Godzilla movies – the fact the Godzilla suit made him look like a plush toy didn’t help.

9. Raymond Burr looked very tired and embarrassed during Godzilla 1985 as well he should. And what was with the Doctor Pepper Placement? Whose brilliant idea was that? They are supposed to be in a war room in the pentagon at the least the soda machine would be down the hall.

10. I’ve seen it several times but the plot of Gojira tai Kingu Gidorâ (1991 – Godzilla vs King Ghidorah still doesn’t make a lick of sense.

11. While I love the big G’s roar, I think the decision of the post 2000 films to limit the number of times he did it was wise, the 70’s film’s had him doing it every time he opened his mouth – it was like Tarzan only doing the yell – too much.

12. You haven’t seen overacting until you see Japanese actors pretend to be natives of the South Seas.

13. All of these films – with the exception of Godzilla vs. Megalon (best viewed in the MST3K version) and Godzilla’s revenge (a horrible kids movie) are better than the 1998 US Godzilla.

14. Absolute favorite line “Attention Godzilla has been sighted in Tokyo Bay – This is no drill” crack up every time.

15. The original Japanese version of King Kong vs. Godzilla is a heck of lot better and smarter (making some points about commercialization) than the American dubbed version which is aimed, I think, at people who eat a lot of paste.

Peace, Love, take me to the Bridge

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Was sent something on myspace called “how to install love” it’s a pretend dialogue between some tech – and a person who wants to ‘install love’ as I was reading it I found myself thinking “I’m going to throw up that’s what I’m going to do”

I've rarely encountered such a complete dose of teeth rotting cloying sickening treacle in my life. At the end it asks you to share this with everyone you know so here it is (with a few annotations by me)

HOW TO INSTALL LOVE... (Right)

Tech Support: Yes, . how can I help you? (Like he answered the phone right away? No for billing questions press one, for all other inquiries please press two, followed by a more and more menus until you have to press the pound (#) sign. At some point I will start to press 0 and make a noise like an animal in pain to get a human being)

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to
install Love (ahhhhh). Can you guide me through the process?

Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed? (Yo tech man he just said that – didn’t he? GET ON WITH IT)

Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. (Good God man do or don’t – you’re acting like fricking Hamlet here. I’m a busy man) What do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. (At this point we hear blood curdling screams as the simpleton on the other end of the line has cut open his own chest and is now tying to slice his own heart open.) Have you located your Heart?

Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. (What the hell are you an android?) Is it okay to install Love while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running ?

Customer: Let's see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge
and Resentment running right now. (In my case add oh bitter sarcasm, and a rabid dislike of having ones intelligence insulted by simplistic triple like this)

Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from
Your current operating system (so does Time, Bourbon or joining the Foreign Legion). It may remain in your permanent memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs (except at the worst possible moments like you are about to commit to a relationship and the memory of Susie dumping reduces you to speechless jelly and the moment is lost forever). Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem (excuse me tech twit eventually is a long damn time. Eventually a lot of things happen – eventually we are worm bait ). However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment (My ancestors were from Ireland – I remember some one said this “A working definition of eternity is how long and Irishman holds a grudge. I’ve never even forgiven the New York Giants for trading Sam Huff). Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. (But make life much more interesting) Can you turn those off?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off (Hey dickhead that’s why I called you – if I knew how I would call. Well that’s what you get when you outsource customer service). Can you tell me how? (Schmuck)

Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu (again with the Android stuff) and invoke Forgiveness (forgive? Forgive who? Me, them? What? Forgiveness is a long and painful process requiring a lot of deep work – it’s not some kind of spiritual Clorox wipe that you can just wipe away hurt and damage and your feelings towards the ones that have damaged you. There’s a whole sick stepford wives tone to this). Do this as many times as necessary (like years maybe? ) until Grudge and Resentment have been completely erased. (then apply an under coat of ‘brainwashed idiot’ and let dry)

Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. (Gates you are a bastard aren’t you) You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades. (customer , clueless then runs into street and begins to tear the hearts out of the chests of passers by and eat them in an attempt to get their love.)

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "Error- Program not run on external components. (and you’re a psycho)" What should I do?

Tech Support: Don't worry. It means that the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. (I have no idea what the hell this means – really. It doesn’t make a lick of sense. Not a bit. ) In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others. (Does that work with loathing as well because I utter loathe the people who did this – does that mean I loathe myself as well?)

Customer: So, what should I do? (How about put down the bloody heart in your hand and give yourself up to the police? )

Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance (again with the android stuff and hey what if I don’t have the Self –Acceptance program hey big stuff? What then? Considering my level of self esteem it’s very possible – what then jagoff?) ; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations. (again with the idea that painful processes are like paper towels to wipe the blues away)

Customer: Okay, done.

Tech Support: Now, copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system
will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming (can I down load porn? Or how about sexual fantasies?). Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism (Never!) from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin (I think this guy’s recycle bin is pretty damn empty already if you get my drift) to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back (like those pesky bad memories when you saw…ah..never mind..)

Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart (kill me – please just fucking kill me now). Is this normal? (No it’s not normal jackass – we are emotional creatures can at any time feel a wide variety of emotions some pleasant some, not so pleasant – but none of them are bad – even anger and jealousy are just feelings and sometimes completely justified – it’s what you do with them that matters. This wanting to live in a happy happy joy joy world is not normal – it’s an infantile retreat from the challenges and joys and sorrows of living a real life).

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually everything gets it at the proper time. (Again – eventually we are all dead) So Love is installed and running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet (No don’t tear their hearts out). They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you. (Like sex or as long as we are asking how about a pony?)

Customer: Thank you, God. (Yes thank you so bloody much since, if we accept the idea of an all powerful deity, you were the one who made me the lonely self loathing wreck I was in the first place, thanks so much for deigning to end my suffering. Putz)

God/Tech Support: You're Welcome, Anytime. (what a wanker).

So please share this with others

Happy holidays to all,

“I am coming Constantinople.”

Peace, Love. Eyeball masks

Was going to do something about the Residents but saw this.

Winter Wonderland?

It’s going to be 53 degrees in New York today – this is just not winter weather. Yeah I know it is snowing out west – I am not out west. This time of year in NY we are usually talking about an average low of about 32 degrees (F) and a high around 40. (For my international readers – Hello Linda – that’s about 0 degrees (C) to 3 degrees (C)). It’s not the hard cold that in New York comes in January and February when it can stay in the 20s (- 2, -3 degrees C) for days at a time but right now we’re running about 10 degrees (about 4 C) above normal and look to continue for some time.

Right now in my neighborhood the squirrels are wandering around looking for things to eat. This morning one of them was sitting on a fence and as I passed by, instead of leaping to a tree gave me a look that said “Hey I was hibernatin’ here” (hey it’s a NY squirrel so I feel no shame in giving him/her a New York accent). This weather can’t be very good for them. The reason they hibernate is that there isn’t a lot of food about – so is better that they just sleep – let winter sort itself out. And small dark furry objects walking about in the snow are easily seen by things you don’t want noticing you if you are a squirrel so it’s just better all around.

Trouble is the alarm clock is the temperature and it’s telling them it’s time to get up – when it isn’t really. So we have a lot of groggy squirrels wandering about like I after the alarm rings and I haven’t had enough sleep. i.e.: Get up turn off alarm. Go to kitchen to make coffee. Turn on radio. Forget why I was walking to kitchen. Remember again go to make coffee. Watch coffee brew trying to remember what else I need to do today. Remember – I have to get dressed and go to work. Start to do so, realize this will be a totally futile exercise without coffee. Stare at coffee pot slowly coming to the realization that I have not turned it on yet which is why coffee is not brewing. Turn on coffee pot. Walk back to living room sit on couch and start writing morning pages (This is from The Artist’s way I’ve been doing this for years now) find self writing lyrics for a song about a man with imaginary friends – self critical part of brain, (which never seems to need coffee by the way) calls idea stupid. I finish pages anyway. I’m allowed to be stupid from time to time. Get up pour coffee in cup – one sugar – sit down on couch turn on TV discover I left tape of Mothra in machine – they are singing that song. Now fully awake I prepare for the day.

I notice in the news a study has revealed that about 95% of Americans have had sex before marriage – and the other 5% (who all seem to have right wing blogs it seems) hate them for it. Whatever. Still this study is bound to put a few noses out of joint. Expect the entire war on sex crew’s heads to spin about like Linda Blair’s.

I’ve also noticed there is this ‘nice guy’ thing going around. It’s kinda weird but it boils down to ‘I’m a nice guy, why aren’t women clawing at me? Why do they go for the Jerks’? I’ve seen posts about this here and there.

This stuff bothers me. There is a strong sense of entitlement here. “I did this therefore I should get that.” I remember a lot of kids’ books that I read or where read to me or those odd educational films had this formula: “if I do this, I will get X because I am a good boy. “ Well old sport a) the world doesn’t really work like that much and b) this is a pretty shallow way to behave isn’t it You’re only being a decent human being because you expect a reward for it in the form of wild sex? That isn’t very nice at all really.

I try to be a nice person, sometimes however I freely admit, I’m not always. I can be grumpy, self centered and just plain mean or neurotic as hell. I don’t like it but I’m human I’m not always to quote Tom Petty “A summer day”. And while I do get jealous of couples (not Neal Diamond) I am enough of an adult to know the source of my romantic problems are staring me in the face when I ‘m saving, not in some presumed inherent weakness of women for Jerks.

Had a fine time at the Waltz Astoria Open mike last night – we did Ethelred the Unready which went over nicely – and we did the bondage song – which got better laughs last night than it did the night we did it at the comedy open mike – why? Who knows? Maybe me lashing the ground with the mike cord to imitate a whip had something to with it ( a real whip might work better but I’d worry about putting an eye out maybe a stage whip of some kind – if such things exist) but we got a good reception.

Afterwards the Enemy Below sang solo – doing his lovely version of Halleluiah by Leonard Cohen and then covered, with a straight face Brittney Spears “Hit Me Baby One More Time”. Which was hysterical.

Long term after recording we are looking to do a musical – yes – the Enemy Below feels, if we write a good one –(that’s a big if) that we might be able to put it on. That would be something O’Hanlon’s to off off Broadway.

Well. We will see.

“Your skin starts ichin’”

Peace Love Iggy Pop.

Mothra

Okay – I fell asleep watching this last night but I have seen it before I was just trying to make sure my memories were correct. Now I don’t care.

Anyway – the film opens as many Toho Monster (or Kaiju egi – which means giant monster, well duh) films do with a storm. In monster movies it is very dangerous to travel or live in cites. A ship runs around on an island were there were atomic tests. One character seems somewhat worried about that. My feeling was, you know, we’re run aground; we’re stuck in the middle of a typhoon. If we manage to get out of this alive, then and only then will I worry about atomic radiation’s effect on my long term health. First things first people.

Several members of the crew are rescued and turn out to have no symptoms of radiation sickness or any sign of exposure to harmful levels of radiation. A rather pudgy reporter manages to infiltrate the scientists gathering (he’s nicknamed Bulldog and will be in the rest of the film) and while he’s interviewing the survivors discovers that they were given a drink by the natives of the island.

That there are natives on this island comes as a great surprise to everybody including the Rolissicans – a country to the east of Japan who speak English and are mostly Caucasian (Cough – America – cough) who dropped the bomb on the island in the first place. (They couldn’t come right out and say America in 1961 so they invented Rolisica) so the Rolisica and Japan send an expedition to the island (called Beiru) to explore. They find the remnants of the natives of the island along with a small patch of jungle including man-eating plants – and as a side note how the hell do man eating plants get to be man eating plants – the Venus flytrap grows in very poor soil where it needs the insects it eats to continue living. It eats flies cause well – there are a lot of flies about. Where the heck are there going to be enough people about for a plant – a big plant mind you – to get around to eating people. Not in a jungle – to enough people and really not enough large animals – you get the big fellows (herbivores and predators) out in the bush country – not a tropical island. Hell species get smaller when they are trapped on islands (need to eat less) like the pigmy elephant and the recently discovered small human like folks who lived on some south sea islands until about 12,000 years ago (they are called hobbits). No not enough targets there. In a city yes – so keep your eyes out there, but not in a jungle. End Side note.

Anyway the Lead Scientist (LS) is trapped by said man eating plant and in the process is rescued by two small (1 ft tall) women that are called either the girls or fairies.

The evil Clark Nelson (you can tell he’s evil he has two last names – no so did Clark Kent well never mind) grabs one of the little ladies and tries to get the other, as this happened the natives come out of the woodwork banging stones. Nelson wants to keep the girls and shoot the natives but the Bulldog Reporter (BR) and LS and the rest stop him.

But all is for naught – sometime after the expedition leaves the island (vowing not to talk about the girls) Nelson with an all Rolissican crew come back to the island and take the girls, shooting a not unimpressive number of natives who try and stop them by banging rocks together. Guys, the next time a) at least take spears and b) if you are being shot at duck or something. It pisses me off to see folks who supposedly survived an explosion of an H-bomb on the island get killed because they are acting dumb.

Nelson then, because it is a Japanese movie, sets up shop in Japan and exhibits the Girls – the show is in a huge hall with a huge stage and lots of dancers and the two 1 ft tall women (played by twin sisters who were better known singers they were called the peanuts) stand on some kind of tree trunk in the middle of the stage and sing. .

You see the problem here. You paid good money you’re in the back you can’t see jack. It reminded me of Steve Martin who when he played a sold out Nassau Coliseum and performed his “magic dime trick” for the people in the back.

Still the show is a huge hit. I’m not sure why – even if you like doll like Asian women, 1 foot tall is a bit small yes? Well maybe not – I’m not going there.

Anyway they sing the Mothra song (which was a hit in Japan for real – which frightens me deeply for some reason – maybe it confirms that the Japanese are far crazier than we can ever understand) it was written in Malay to make it sound more exotic to Japanese audiences

This is the song (Phonetically rendered Malay)

Mosu-lah, ya, Mosu-lah!
Dongeng kasad ku yang
Ing doa mu.
Rut tok wira doa
Hamba-hamba, mu ya.
Randa, bangun, radang
Tong yu, kang-lah!
Kasad ku yang.


English Translation:

Mothra, yes, Mothra!
I wish to chant to your divinity
A prayer for you.
Heroic, wonder-working deity, endure the prayer
Of your servants, yes.
Go about, rise up, become angry
At this barrel of sharks, Kang-lah!
I wish this of your divinity.

Bloody things an ear worm that will not go away once you hear it – turning you brain into mush pudding. Oddly enough it’s not on my space – maybe they wouldn’t allow it. Trying to keep people sane. If we ever get big - it might be our “show’s over tape” which would have the added bonus of driving people out of the theater once the show was over.

Back on the island the natives are praying to a rock and then when the rock shatters to an huge egg that hatches the larval form of Mothra (she and she is a she) is a big like huge like 10 story tall don’t know how long caterpillar.

We next see Mothra swimming towards Japan, in the process, ramming a ship amidships and sending it to the bottom. One assumes the captain was drunk or the lookouts were blind

“Captain, off the starboard bow”
“What”
“Something huge and headed this way.”
“Well never mind then.”

Meantime the BR, LS and Female lead (FL) and the ever present annoying kid (AK) (god even as a kid I hated these kids – why do they keep sticking them in these films – hell there was one in Godzilla: Final Wars (not a lot but he was there) End side note) find the fairies and discover they can talk to them. They speak at the same time with a weird close harmony. The group wants to rescue them but they can’t right now. The fairies are not worried about themselves; they are worried about everybody else.

And no matter how many times the girls explain it to the lunk heads – they don’t get it. The fairies are not in danger - a caterpillar the size of an aircraft carrier is heading to Japan to rescue them. It’s everybody else that is just fucked as Mothra comes ashore smashed damns and cities as it heads to Tokyo. There is some other tooing and frowing but mostly we are just watching Mothra destroy shit.

And then Tokyo tower (which has been destroyed about 36 times in these films) is toppled over by mothra who then spins a cocoon. The army decides to take this chance to bring up their super weapon.

Nelson meantime, with the fairies in a box that cuts off the telepathic waves that link them to Mothra, escapes to Rolissica (I don’t know the spelling nobody knows the damn spelling okay?).

The army brings in their super weapon which doesn’t work. This is the essential difference between Japanese and American Monster movies – The super weapon works in the US films all the time and every time (right up to ID4 – thank god the aliens didn’t use apple that’s all I can say there) in Japan, not so much, yeah in the first Godzilla and couple of times later, but most of the time the damn things a total bust. Like here.

As the smoke clears Mothra – now a huge moth – emerges from its cocoon and takes off. But where?

I’ll tell you - Nelson – hiding out in his ranch and hearing the initial reports that Mothra has been killed – opens the box and lets the fairies sing out taunting them that Mothra is dead. So Mothra knows where they are. You’d think that you’d at least wait until the story has been confirmed before doing his taunting but he’s a Rolissian and they aren’t that bright. Greedy yes, but not bright.

So Mothra comes to Rolissica’s capital city with looks a lot like San Francisco to tell the truth and wrecks it. Then Nelson (who has fled the ranch) is discovered and killed allowing the BR, FL, AK, and the LS to figure out a way to get Mothra to land at the air port and take the fairies home. It’s a happy ending – except of course for the thousands of dead and wounded the two wrecked cities and the rapidly liquefying brains of anybody who has heard the Mothra song. Other than that, it’s all good.

Couple things occur to me just now – if the fairies could commutate with mothra couldn’t they just tell him to wait a bit? Or did mothra only know their position?

Did the mothra cocoon have an effect on silk futures – that thing was huge.

More later
Peace love – silk

Holiday Cheer (right)

Well work is nuts and they got rid of someone else when I wasn’t looking. Merry Christmas everybody. Sheesh.

Was shopping last night

As a confession I have to say I do love New York this time of year – I would like it to be a little colder (it’s winter come on 45-50 degrees just aint cuttin’ it) and some snow – A fresh coat of snow and Central Park is beautiful - but I do enjoy the lights and the tree and the decorations and the windows in Macy’s, Lord and Taylor and Saks – I love the whole Rockefeller center ambiance during the holiday and even the crowds of tourists walking along in slow groups looking up with their mouths open. Even the garishness fits this time of year. Yeah NYC can be a total pain to live and work in. It’s expensive, people can be staggeringly rude, and it can make you hard bitter cause the place just never lets up but it’s my home. I feel more at home here than I ever did all those years in the suburbs. Don’t quite know why – maybe not enough contact speed rush on the streets of my old town.

I note the Joint Chiefs of Staff are questioning our leader’s plan to send some 20-50,000 more troops and have them wander around and get shot at for a while (there doesn’t seem to be much more to the plan than that) pointing out the men would not be fresh troops but either troops whose rotation in Iraq will be extended or troops who were already scheduled to got to Iraq having their deployment to Iraq accelerated. This means these are going to be guys on their second or third tour of hell. These won’t be fresh troops like people are pretending, these are going to be burnt out stretched thin units with worn out and broken equipment that have had their edge removed banging them against the rock that is Iraq.

Finally finished Christmas shopping – thank you internet – however did pick up one book for me – Colin Wilson’s Atlantis and the Kingdom of the Neanderthals – in which he postulates that the Neanderthals come from Atlantis.

Say what?

Yeah. Pretty much my reaction too. But I roll around in these books like catnip. God Sometimes I think other than the good looks, the sister abducted by aliens, the FBI job and the porn addiction, I am Agent Mulder from the X Files. There is hardly a book too weird for me not to read. (Although this is getting damn close to that edge) – I suppose this is my printed word version of my bad movie fetish.

The book is by Colin Wilson who after showing up in the fifties as an infant terrible of the British literary scene with his book on alienation and existential angst The Outsider has become an almost stereotypical English eccentric writing on anything that he finds interesting with a decided slant towards the occult and paranormal. He’s a competent writer and a little mad (in an entertaining way) so this should be interesting.

I’m not going to dismiss the idea he has out of hand but as I like to say, while this is possible, it’s highly unlikely. I’ve noticed that a lot of these books jump from – is it possible (to which the answer is above) to the next point acting as if they had proved their first point by asking “is it possible” at which point the alert reader needs to press a buzzer and demand time out.

I was going to do Mothra today but it doesn’t look like I will have to time – maybe tonight as a separate blog.

Listening to the Television Personalities – which are about as depressing as you can get. Which is odd I’m not in that down a mood but there you are and there they are playing away.

The Television Personalities are basically Dan Trecy and whoever is in the band with him at the time and since about 1977 has been writing and performing some very distinct diy punk style. While I love his stuff. He really can’t sing but he doesn’t care and since I own all his albums I guess I don’t care either.

He is very good at evoking a sense of lingering loss and regret for something good that is gone – usually a love or a time – or odd little twee things like “I know were Syd Barrett lives”.

His melancholy is real he’s struggled with depression, and drug abuse and ended up in prison for a time for drugs. He was out of sight for so long that folks wondered if he was living in some cottage in Cambridge like Syd did in his final days. But it turned out it was the depression, drugs and then prison that kept him out of the public eye.

I’m not sure if artists have any special disposition towards self destructive behavior – a lot of stock brokers in the 80’s and 90’s put vast amounts of their money straight up their nose and you would hardly call them artistic types. Still there are times that you feel like an exposed nerve ending or like a little boat on stormy lake being swept this way and that by your own powerful emotional responses - and to numb that down for hour or two you feel is worth the brain cells. But that way leads to a double trap – one you get cut off from your emotions and you get addicted. It’s process that has destroyed a lot of good people.

I’d rather go with the emotional storm – the excellence of Mai Tai’s not withstanding.

This is the end of the year and people are waving papers in my face. It’s like every two minutes I ‘have’ to get something done. But in order to maintain my own sanity I’m adopting this rule:

Co-worker: This has to get done today. It’s an emergency.
Me: when you say emergency do you mean that if I don’t do this the earth will suddenly stop rotating and we will all be flung into space and die.
Co-worker: Ah no.
Me: Then it’s not an emergency.

Actually I can’t say that – I do want to keep my job – but oh boy do I think it.

“If I had three wishes, I‘d ask for three more” Three Wishes – from the TV Personalities “They Could have been bigger than the Beatles”

Later

Peace Love, Paisley shirts.

That's a Dalek - has nothing to do with anything I wrote today.

That's so sad

I was at the Insect Girl and the Enemy Below’s Apartment Sunday watching an episode of the X-files last night – the one where they make a movie about the X-files (it’s a pretty weird deal – dancing zombies and what not). But what struck me was that at one point during the show Mulder is at home watching Plan Nine From Outer Space (apparently to clear his brain or something like that). So Scully comes over and in the course of the conversation learns Mulder has seen Plan Nine 42 times.

“That’s so sad” Scully says “Doesn’t it make you sad? It makes me sad.”

It made me sad too. I’ve spent a lot of evenings that I could have spent otherwise watching brain numbing films – that I had already seen. I’d like to have done other things I supose but I can never quite figure out what – so in goes “The Giant Claw” one more time.

I do plan to write about Plan Nine but since it is one of the ‘classic’ bad movies and Ed Wood’s most famous film it needs time and care (probably more time than Ed put into making it) to do it right. The film deserves no less.

Was at a farewell party Saturday for a friend of The Enemy Below – off to California so we hung about at Dave and Busters where I ended playing a lot of trivia and drinking Mai Tai’s (not anywhere nearly as good as the ones from Otto’s).

I did pretty well at trivia, actually very well – but that’s my mind – I can’t remember my niece’s birthdays but I can remember that Carl Yazstremski hit .301 in 1968 the lowest batting average to will a batting title. (In the National League Pete Rose hit a more reselectable .323 to win that league’s title). Stuff just worms its way in to my head and it stays there. Forever it seems. Like the lyrics to Gillian’s Island, the Plot of the Manster (don’t ask).

However the Mai Tai’s had a bad effect – esp. the next day. It wasn’t quite that bad but I was reminded of a scene in W.C. Fields “The Bank Dick” where he goes to the bar, orders a drink and then shyly leans over to the bartender.

Fields: Was I in here last night and did I spend Twenty Dollars?
Bartender: Yes you did
Fields: (relived smile on his face): Well that’s a relief. I thought I lost it.

Anyway part of Sunday was spend pondering why I had continued to order a drink I didn’t like especially when it had this kind of effect on me. The best answer I could come up with was that I was stupid.

Random Neural firings:

I’ve noticed that for some reason the inside the beltway opinion is turning towards the “surge” idea in Iraq, even Harry Reid, the soon to be Democratic Party’s majority leader in the Senate mush mouthed the idea saying he wasn’t opposed to it. Sweet mother what the hell do we have to do to get them to pay attention? Storm the capital with pikes? The American people have sent a very clear message on Iraq. Out. If not now, as soon as possible. Somehow this was translated into – send more troops and this idea is being presented as the will the middle – by folks who know.

The only problem standing in the way of this idea is where are we going to get the troops. Colin Powel, who apparently got the negatives that W was holding back, has said the army is ‘broken’ which makes some sense – this army isn’t designed for occupying a country – it’s like using a fine Spanish rapier to dig holes in rocky soil, you’re going to get the point dented and dull and nick the whole blade and the holes won’t be that good either.

This cold water to the face has not fazed anybody it seems – Powell is, apparently for talking honestly about the problems, no longer someone you listen to. This whole thing is a grim reminder of something J.K.Galbraith noted years ago that it is far better to be wrong, as long as you agree with the conventional wisdom than it is to be right.

Still you have to wonder just what kind of cloud coo-coo land these people are living in.

W: More troops!
Aide: yes sir as soon as we get them from Guam
W: Why are they on Guam?
Aide: you sent them there to guard against a re-occurrence in Japanese militaristic expansionism in the Pacific.
W (after a very very long pause) Oh. Good. Let know when troops come. Me go bye bye now. (leaves office)
Clerk (to aide): Troops in Guam?
Aide: I have to tell him something – he damn near clawed the secretary of education when they said he couldn’t militarize teachers and send them.
Clerk: Are their troops in Guam?
Aide: No but I can lie about bad weather delaying them for a couple of weeks until he forgets about this.
Clerk: like the manned trip to mars
Aide: Exactly.
Clerk: when you kept telling him
Aide: That they still hadn’t reassembled the flying saucer they found at Roswell.

File this under no good deed goes unpunished:

I was walking to the store Saturday – the usual food shopping what not – I passed by a coffee shop it was a very warm day and there were a lot of people sitting in the sun. One of them was an older guy in wheel chair.
“Hey” he said.
“Yes?” I asked.
“Could you wheel me around the corner?”
I figured well sure – poor guy looked a wreck, little kindness couldn’t hurt – so I said
“Sure where to?”
“The paper store.”
Well that wasn’t much a burden so with out fuss I did so – took all of two minutes.
“Well there you go.” I said.
“Thanks” he said, and then paused, “Listen”
“Yes?”
“could you go into the store and buy my two 40 oz Budweisers?” he asked holding a $5.00 bill in his hand.
For all my snappy patter this time I was completely stuck for an answer. I’m thinking what the hell do I do now? I sort of stared until he got the idea I wasn’t going to do that and with that I sheepishly left feeling rather taken advantage of. While I don’t try and judge people I’m not about to help them destroy themselves either.

Thinking about doing Mothra for this week. Don’t quite know why.

Peace Love Fresh Brains

Not even a colossal waste of time

Finished watching Bella Lugosi meets a Brooklyn Gorilla and actually it wasn’t as horrible as the first few moments indicated it was going to be. If anything it is simply drab and dull and unfunny lacking I suppose the absolute cosmic – I want to use the word grace here but that isn’t the right one. There is a ineffable something about the truly bad films – that mark them a different from the run of the mill stinkers – films could have very similar budgets and actors and story but one will simply be a dull time waster of no great import and the other leaves you stunned and overwhelmed and in a strange kind of awe.

Bella Lugosi meets a Brooklyn Gorilla is not one of those films. It wanders about – featuring Jerry Lewis style clowning by Sammy Petrillo and singing by Duke Mitchell – they were tying to be a sort of 2nd banana Lewis and Martin, some eye candy via Charlita and Bella looking very old and frail as a mad scientist. It’s supposed to a be a comedy but actually the only one with any real idea of how to play this for laughs is Bella who I guess must have been grateful for the work and for a chance to play off his Dracula persona as a comedy.

But lord it’s not funny, none of it is funny – the story is about how Bella, a mad scientist living on a tropical island is jealous of Charlita’s growing love of Duke (He and Sammy arrived their by accident) as he is madly in love with Charlita himself. That being the case and he being a mad scientist he turns duke into a man in gorilla suit. It’s a pretty cheesy suit – I’ve seen it before on the much much weirder bride of the beast (written by Ed Wood but not directed by him) which I’ll do someday when living isn’t as much fun as it is now. There is a tiresome-fat-chick-chasing-Sammy subplot and some dancing, some singing (Duke’s no Dean and the songs make you wish Rock and roll had hit Hollywood sooner) and some messing about between a chimp and Sammy (who looks and sounds so much like a young Jerry Lewis that Lewis sued the film and Sammy for stealing his act.)

But it’s just dull – there is none of the jaw dropping awfulness of Plan Nine from outer space or Manos – this is just dull stuff done by pros and semi-pros. There is, I wish I could say this clearly or exactly – there is no as it were divine spark here. No pie plates over Hollywood, no bizarre unworldly dialogue, no solar powered android holding a flashlight to the solar battery on his forehead, no guy with large knees as the caretaker, no mindwarping moment of "oh my god they didn't just do that did they" that I watch these movies for. It was just dull.

And in the end there is the cop out – they use the it was only a dream ending. Which nowadays reminds me of the Cycling Tour of North Cornwall episode of Monty Python’s Flying circus. In that – don’t ask how – Mr. Pither is sitting in his cell waiting to be shot by the Russians (you’ll just have to trust me on this) then he drifts off and wakes up in lounge chair in the backyard of his home with his mother holding a glass of lemonade telling him to wake up.

Pither: Mother? (pauses to look around) Then it was all a dream.
Mother: No son. This is the dream; you’re still back in the cell.

Random Neural Firings:

Been listening obsessively (gee is that a surprise or what) to Social Distortion – The lead singer/songwriter Mike Ness over the course of about 7-8 albums has made the fuckup outlaw with a heart of gold role his own – he even ended up in prison for a while on some drug charge – I am not sure of the details. But the band’s best songs are things of hard one wisdom pain and beauty – there’s a line in one song “guys like us we ain’t got no chance – but I’m thing that keeps you and me alive”. Now I’m not Ness and was never as near the edge as Ness, I’m just a suburban Neurotic with esteem issues but still his stuff has hooked me and hooked me hard.

It’s that sense that keeps me coming back to this stuff when you’d think I’d have long outgrown it Side Note: it could be I’ve refused to grow up. That maybe true, one ex said as much – I mean over the course of my life I’ve refused to do a lot of things I was supposed to – I never really made a fuss about it I just wouldn’t do it – like listen to the music I was supposed to listen too, go to the high school prom (I remember my parents being sympathetic over that and I was – shit never liked high school anyway why bother with this gibberish – good riddance to you all. It’s not always been the best response like if you don’t pay parking tickets you end up paying a lot more. The phrase ‘you have to do this” to this day get’s my back up.

Anyway back to Social D. Again there is something in that music that raises me out of my own boring worried about layoffs existence; it gives something inside me wings. I can’t explain it any better. Sorry.

The president has been making a big show of going to the State Department, the Pentagon and other places to get their views on Iraq. Excuse me but don’t they all report to the president anyway – and what nobody can use a phone? Or knowing W’s limited patience and limited interest in anyone who is not kissing his ass fervently maybe these were all slide shows like I had as a kid were, if you were bored, you could just shut your eyes – and hope there wouldn’t be a quiz on it.

As an offshoot of the right wings love affair with the dead fascist dictator of Chile several are now saying what Iraq needs is a strong man. WTF? There was a strong man there remember? Saddam Hussein? Public enemy #1? Does this ring a bell with anybody out there? And the whole fuss over the voting? That means nothing?

The holy family on roller skates do these people have any sense of what they are saying? How crazy it sounds? I guess not. Hell they are still talking about bombing Iran – lord we enter the New Year listening to jabber of madmen.

I find it interesting in a weird/sad way that the post that got the most feedback was the one were I wrote something snarky about Neil Diamond. In re the comments I sometimes feel like I’m that old Buck Henry Saturday Night live sketch where he was a talk radio host but nobody was calling in so he tossed out more and more offensive topics until he has asking for calls on eating dead puppies and Incest. Little love little hate people – that’s all I ask.

Speaking of which – since my muse seems to fly when I’m p.o.ed – a new feature – the bands I can’t stand. .

The Challange

Okay kittens and cool kats – we are confirmed at 169 Club – the details as follow:

Bob Muir and the Enemy Below
169 Bar
169 East Broadway
NYC 10002
Sun – Feb 4th 10 pm
Admission $8.00

Okay yeah it’s Sunday –best we could do kittens – so in order to make it interesting – here’s the challenge – we get 100 paying customers we will smash the guitar you see in the above pics. While it has some sentimental value (mostly the stickers) – we get 100 out she goes. Like live onstage – Like Pete used to do in the glory days.

So talk to friends and friends of friends – cause not only are they going to get 45 minutes of that’s so wrong – they will get wanton pointless destruction.

All that for $8.00.

More later.

Peace love Shonen knife.

Gorillas and maddness

I’ll admit that sometimes I don’t quite do what I want to do or promise – I was going to watch Bella Lugosi meets a Brooklyn Gorilla last night but after 10 minutes I turned it off. I was too tired and it was too awful. It was intended to be a horror comedy – and it did succeed on some levels – its comedy was horrible and its horror was laughable – well I presume its horror is laughable I turned it off before Bella showed up.

The film features a low budget version of Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis – while the jerry Lewis rip off (who was 17 when he did this so he’s a bit forgiven) does good job. Not, mind you a good job as in funny, he does a good job in being just as annoying as Jerry Lewis was in those Dean Martin Jerry Lewis pictures. I turned it off when the Dean Martin wanna be started singing. I was tempted to pound my head against the floor until I was unconscious but I worried that maybe if I do manage to put myself into a coma is this is what I’ll see all the time? Better not risk it.

One last comment on this the picture is set in a South Seas jungle island somewhere– and because of that the Dean Martin wanna be (his name is duke) is wearing a Hawaiian shirt – tied off so he’s showing off his midriff. No I’m not kidding. I wish I was. It is the gayest thing I have ever seen in a 1950’s film, maybe ever – not counting The Birdcage.

Anyway, I’ll get back to this tonight – I’m crashed out early and slept the sleep of those who have avoided damage by not watching the bad film and I’m all ready. God help me.

Meantime – we are in the process of booking another gig – this time at a place that charges a cover. So here is the challenge – we get 100 paying customers I’ll smash a guitar on stage. Probably during People with Insect Heads. More details as we confirm them.

Meantime in Washington they must have increased the amount of drugs in water supply.

1) The Washtington Post – one time home of Woodward and Bernstein and the newspaper conservatives love to hate (after the NY Times) published an editorial the other day praising the late dictator of Chile – Augusto Pinochet. The fact that the citizens of Chile poured into the streets in a spontaneous celebration upon hearing the news had no impact on the Post who claimed that Chile’s vibrant Democracy was party Pinochet’s doing. Well, maybe, if you figured their commitment to democracy is made deeper by the resolve to never ever let another murderous thug take over the county yes. Other wise no. It’s akin to suggesting Hitler is responsible for Germany forsaking the idea of dominating Europe by military means. In a way He is, but not in such a manner that he should be given credit for it.

A despot is a despot. That the Post is publishing this insane drivel shows how degraded and depraved the discourse has become inside the beltway. Sure he killed and tortured but he wasn’t a communist and he gave Milton Firedman a chance to prove his theories.

2) About the time the Iraq Study Group issued its report, there were stories floating around about 3 options in Iraq, Stay, and leave or go big. The first two are pretty self-explanatory but the Go Big idea was that we put more troops into Iraq and use them to crush the insurgency and then all the peach and happiness and freshly painted schools could bloom. The plan that had the least support among the general public was “go big”. So guess which plan is gaining moment in the halls of power. Yeah. Of course There is a lot of lose talk about 20,000- 50,000 more troops being put into Iraq to take on the insurgents and the Sadar militia which is ruling a part of Baghdad these days. I think the idea here is that we go in smash the Shiite Sadar Militia and then announce, again, like after Saddam’s son’s had been killed, Saddam Captured, the number two man killed (about 11 times) that the problem was solved and we can go home.

This is crazy. In the first place we don’t have 20,000 troops to toss into Iraq unless we strip Korea (and I hope we’re not nuts enough to do that) and this presupposes the Sadar Militia (at last count some 60,000) will present itself to be destroyed. Or that it can be destoryed – there’s a city in Iraq we’ve taken about 5 times now. And even if we do that – is that going to really solve things. God in heaven stop taking the drugs people. It’s making you stupid.

Not Washington but worthy of note – DHS staged a raid on a Swift meat packng plant. Those with dark skin were made to produce some kind of id proving they were citizens. Not the white people.

Great – just great.

End of rant – gig details to come.

Tired and Shonen Knife

Strangely beat today – not much in the mood for blogging – more in the mood for staring out the window and looking at the clouds and thinking melancholy thoughts. But I’m in windowless cubicle, so I can’t even do that. Curses.

Anyway – quick post on - Shonen Knife – an all girl group (3 members) from Osaka Japan formed in 1981. Looking back I don’t remember why I picked up “Let’s Knife” (I must have heard of them from somewhere) but I’m glad I did – I was entranced by this Jose and the Pussycats meets the ramones sound – with goofy song topics like turning into a cat, Twist Barbie or flying on a space ship. Along with a song about how a bison should bear down even if he’s ugly and some kind of pot clearing powder – it’s punk’s “songs can be about anything at all ethos” in action. And they are just sooo cute in a pop girl group way – they tried one time to make them grunge looking – on the album Rock Animals – but it didn’t work. I suppose it’s the standard American white guy Asian fixation (I’ll talk about that some time – I’ve heard some damn weird conversations) but I find them adorable. You can’t have a steady diet of them for the same reason you’d get sick if you eat cotton candy all day but sometimes - you wanna turn the stereo up to 11 and dance like an blissed out idiot to silly songs (I do this in the privacy of my own home with the blinds drawn – no sense in putting people off their food).

Side note: No I don’t know Shonen Knife means and I don’t care – hell I don’t know if the band members are married or where they live or anything – which in this day and age where you get to hear about how many time Brand and Angelina had sex before she became pregnant and with Britney Spears flashing her privates in people’s faces is a good thing – end of side note.

Trivial Note: My Peace, Love, Shonen Knife sign off comes off the first song on their Happy Hour album – there they say Love Peace and Shonen Knife but it’s close enough.

There is one odd note in their songs a consistent dark thread - a razor blade in the candy if you will – Many of the people in the songs are alone – no boyfriends, no friends they are going about their day totally alone – their only interaction is with the people in the stores. It typically isn’t made the subject of the songs; it hovers in the background like a gray cloud in a brightly colored Hello Kitty world. Knowing that Japanese culture is all about the group it's an odd touch.

That’s all for today – need to get some actually work accomplished today.
Oh, one more thing: Shonen Knife – Arigatou. (that's probbably not right but to hell with it.)

pics from the gig.

Adventures in Uber-geekdom and Jealousy

Last Sunday I was at the Enemy Below and Insect Girl’s apartment – eating moosebugers and caribou – no I’m not kidding – somebody in their apartment building is a hunter and he ended up one trip with stacks of meat from a moose and a caribou – which he had then ground up into burgers. Personally I’m not to hip on hunting but I knew people in the Pocono’s in Pennsylvania who would kill a deer and use that as their meat supply during the winter cause it was cheaper than beef. That’s a lot better than the kind of canned hunts Dick Cheney goes on where cage raised birds are released into the wild the day they get shot. At least the Moose lived like a real Moose in the wild before a slug a lead the size of your thumb scrambled its brains. I mean I’d rather folks left them alone but I’m a city kid – what I know from nature I learned from TV. Which is suspect isn’t the whole story.

Anyway before dinner the Enemy Below and myself were playing a game he’s just gotten via gameflix: Stubb’s the zombie – which was hysterical – Stubbs is a zombie and he goes around eating brains – which makes us like him a lot – and the dialogue is just hysterical people shout things like: “he’s eating my brain!” And you, if you work it right, you can tear off someone’s limb and whack people with it. All great fun. Very funny in a very very sick way. You listening Hilary? Good. Now go intercourse yourself. It’s bad enough we have right wing lunatics worrying that if you eat too much tofu you will turn gay (there is some estrogen in tofu it seems and these yahoos are convinced that estrogen makes you teh gay cause it’s the ladies hormone and in a man gives you gay cooties or something. Side note – I was told that years and years ago some doctors thought that the reason gay men were, well, gay was that they didn’t have enough testosterone in their system. So they decided to inject them with said hormone to cure them of their gayness. Needless to say, it didn’t cure them of being gay, but it did make them very very horny. Doctor: so how are you this morning? Man: Give us a kiss. End side note) Anyway it’s bad enough we have to deal with this kind of gibberish, but Hilary decides it’s time to focus on video games. Well maybe better that than her craven support for the Iraqi war I guess.

So we as we were having dinner we were chuckling about that – The Enemy Below said Stubbs was good game because it tore them away from city of heroes for a while. All three of them play this massive multiplayer online game – MMO for short – you go on mission accumulate points and what not – it seems pretty absorbing. Full disclosure I have dial up which can’t handle this kind of game – it’s the only real reason I’m not in there with them.

Anyway Insect Girl and the Roommate (hereafter R cause I can’t think of cool nickname for him just yet) got in an argument about what had happened the night before while they were playing. It kind of went like this:

Insect Girl (IG): You let me die, 6 times.
R: I was tying to heal you. But you kept running away
IG: no you weren’t you resurrected him (meaning the Enemy Below’s game character) but you let me die. He was already dead.
R: right you were alive
IG: but he was dead – you could have healed me,
R: you ran away
IG: I was standing right next to him. Here he was, (she gestures to the ground) and here I was. And you let me die
R: No I didn’t you ran away
IG: I was right there. Besides you’re not a healer
R: I am
IG: you only have one heal power – you’re a (some other class that I forget what – it seems to be kind of blocking back in an update I’ll let you know.)

And so on. Later something else came out

IG: and then you used my body as a bomb.
R: it was a new power I wanted to try it out
IG: that’s why you let me die – six times.
R: well maybe.
IG: I’m 15,000 in debt now. (If you die in City of Heroes and your character is above a certain level you lose money when you die)
R: I didn’t let you die

And so on. It got quite heated – Insect Girl has a temper and R wouldn’t budge so Insect Girl tried to sic one of the cats on R – cats will claw people but only when they feel like it.

All the time I’m thinking this is the geekiest conversation I have ever heard in my entire life – topping the what do the colors of the start trek uniforms mean one we had a while ago. And lord knows what the NSA thought off all this.

All ended well enough – at least with no injuries.

I was going to write about shonen knife but no time for the present. Soon. I promise. Meantime – Bella Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla is on its way. Yes I said I wouldn’t watch it but I changed my mind.

If you look at the comments in yesterdays post (that’s in blogger) after I wrote some unkind things about Deal Ninmond’s song writing – i.e. talking to a chair in that song I was accused of being jealous of Neil. (For those of you on my space the exchange is below)

Anyway I’m not jealous of Neal Diamond. I know what jealousy feels like – it’s a very violent emotion that comes out as you see someone be successful at something that you want to be successful at or some who gets something you feel you should have. And there is an element of fear in Jealousy – the fear being there is no room for you. Which when you see a hot babe that you were trying to make a move on and been getting somewhere with making kiss face with someone else – well unless the other parties (and you) are open to that sort of thing – the odds are pretty good you and her won’t be doing the horizontal bop anytime soon. Hence, the Jealousy. And it makes some sense there.

Not me and Mr. Diamond. Yes we both sing and write songs – but I think the similarities end there. Neal could (and probably has) sell out the Hollywood bowl 11 times over and sell millions of records. More power to him – erase the sting of the Jazz Singer and the sound track to Johanthan Livingston Seagull a bit. But I wouldn’t be jealous, cause out of all those Neil fans you could number the ones who would be interested in our stuff on the finger of my thumb. I write songs about brain eating for god’s sake – people with insect heads – sexual frustration, dysfunction, mental illness, rotten times at work and that Bob Denver (Gilligan) is dead. Our people are not his people and vice versa. Though to be fair our fans scare us just a bit a times.

For tomorrow (I hope) the meaning of Shonen Knife.

Peace, love, Brains. Brains! Brains! Must have brains!

A Visit From the Riff Fairy and other notes

Well the riff fairy has been through the building and at least one guy I knew is gone. And while yes I am relieved it’s not me, it still sucks rockets.

Damn. I’m tired of layoffs and I’m tired of riffs and I’m tired of the whole why things are done in corporate America – even in private corporate America.

When I was growing up back in the late Stone Age, what I was told was that the thing to do was get a good job. A good job being defined as a corporate job because that was safe. No don’t try and do anything with your creativity, like write or anything no, that’s far too risky and do you really think you have enough talent? (Again I never ever have to wonder where my self-esteem problems come from).

So I didn’t do that – but I’ve done safe and what has it gotten me? Hmmm? I spent all last week worrying about layoffs and this isn’t the first time – or the last time.

The thing is I’m not so sure that it’s not I’m ready to quit my day job, it’s I’m worried that my day job might quit me sometime in the future.

Well enough of that for now. Short blog today – after writing about 4,000 words on Crossroads and Robot monster I have run a bit low on snark and I’ll need some time to recharge. Still some things to be noted:

While the war in Iraq has created about 150,000 refugees, U.S. policy is only to let 500 in. No I’m not making that up; the legal immigration limit from Iraq is 500. The reason. Well the official reason is a lie but you have to figure the government didn’t want a flood of Iraqi refugees into the country as they keep trying to pretend things are going well.

The neo-con petulant baby reaction to the Iraq Study Group continues to gain strength – the NY times commentator said on WQXR – the New York Classic station – that W is being presented with two choices one to maintain that there is a chance of victory and the other to reverse course.

Reverse course? W? I was amazed the reporter didn’t crack up while reading the report. W’s never reversed course in his life. The only change this time is that is Daddy has given him a way out and he’s decided that he’s not going to take it. (By the by this wasn’t really a way out for us or the poor bastard Iraqis, this was an attempt to save W and the Bush family name).

I have to wonder when the words “batshit crazy” are going to be used as a common descriptor for W as in “the President, who is commonly felt to be batshit crazy”.

W said he will be speaking on the 18th to describe or more accurately lie his ass off about the reasons we are in Iraq and his plans. I don’t know why he’s doing this every time he’s opened his mouth about Iraq his ratings take a hit – and right now he’s less popular than slime mold.

I was listening to Johnny Cash this morning – the American label recordings – and I have to say, while I love Johnny Cash to absolute death and I feel he was one of the giants of American music (embodying many of the deep contractions of the American character), even his vocal gravity couldn’t stop Neil Diamond’s solitary man from sounding like the whine of a self pitying little jerk.

Just let me not to this day that I can’t understand what the hell Neil Diamond was doing in the Last Waltz at least the rest of the guest stars had links to either The Band itself or the style of music they played. Neil’s a brill building hack. A talented hack but a hack nonetheless.

"I am"... I said
To no one there
And no one heard at all
Not even the chair” – Neil Diamond – I am – 1971

Now I am not sure if this means he is so deranged with loneliness (get a pet for god’s sake) that he’s talking to his furniture or he worse yet, he’s convinced the furniture is ignoring him. Either way the man needs a turkey baster full of psychoactive drugs shoved down his throat and a nice room in the hospital.

Tomorrow – I hope – Shonen Knife and for everybody who arrived late to this – who we are and we are trying to do.

Peace Love, Shonen Knife.

Ro-Man and woman

Well as the odd companion to Crossroads (see last entry) this weekend I also watched Robot Monster – a 1953 grade Z sic-fi movie (shot in 3-d however) that is memorable mostly for the hideously absurd figure of Ro-man – a man in a gorilla suit wearing a plastic space helmet.

Add to that the Ro-man’s advanced Scientific equipment (including N.A Fischer Chemical Products, Inc.’s “automatic billion bubble machine” which is sitting in a cave on top of is obviously a library table, spewing out - what else - bubbles - you have damn near a template for a bad film. Add to this the wooden acting of the rest of the cast and the strange over the top absurdity of the dialogue and the silly story you have a bad movie classic. The guys at Mystery Science Fiction Theater 3000 picked this as one of the films they did in the first season for a reason.

The film starts with the credits rolling over a back drop of comic book covers from the 50’s (I am assuming these date from before the book “The Seduction of the Innocent” and the general hysteria over comic books – the violent video games of their day. Side note: Sweet Jesus on stick Hilary with an endless disaster in Iraq, a President who seems to be on the edge of a mental breakdown, NY tense and nervous because an unarmed young man got gunned down by the police, and the horrid stench of corruption coming from DC you chose NOW to fuss about Rockstar Games? The instant I finish this report I’m going to plug vice city into my machine and run some electronic non-player characters over. Just for old time’s sake. Again don’t you have anything better to do with your time? - end side note)

As the credits fade we see a young boy wearing a plastic space helmet firing his toy gun – his sister is sitting on a rock holding a doll waiting for him. He pretends to shoot her she asks if they can play house and already we hate two people. The boy cause he’s a jerk and the girl cause all she does is whine. Just as they are about to move off, the boy reaches into his pocket and blows some bubbles. I assume the director Phil Tucker, was trying for some kind of link with the billion bubble machine of the Ro-man but I didn’t notice this until the 4th time I saw the film and trust me, most people aren’t going to see this film 4 times – even I can’t believe I’ve seen the film 4 times. That’s pretty depressing to think about.

Enough of the desert of my private life – onward.

We meet the rest of the cast – a scientist and his assistant and the kids mother and older sister or aunt (it’s not clear) they mother, aunt and the kids have a picnic – the location for the film is pretty dismal spot (Bronson Caves/Canyon used in about a billion cheap films) – that in real life only someone suffering from depression would think of this as good spot for a picnic. Then they nap – well actually they look like they were gunned down as they were eating – but little Johnny (that’s his name) gets up and scampers away (he does that a lot) and hits his head on some rocks near a cave.

Alas he’s not dead – but he starts to see stock footage from One Million years bc and other sic-fi films with dinosaurs in them –why? Damned if I know.

After some more pointless stock shots – including the ever popular here is a glowing ball of fire heading for the camera (this was shot in 3-D remember).

And then with the effect of the film turning negative and back (this happens a lot) the ro-man emerges and the viewers response is “that’s it, tomorrow we hit the gym – no more excuses – I mean look at him”

The guy’s fat. Like need to cut some weight fat.

And there is the helmet. Phil Tucker was trying to get someone with a robot suit to play the ro-man but he couldn’t afford it so he figured he’d hire George Barrow who had an ape suit and had been in about every film in Hollywood during the 40’s and 50’s with an ape (and there were a lot – Hollywood had a weird thing for monkeys in those days) – and popped a sea diver helmet on top of him with a couple antenna on the top. “And it worked” he said in an interview.

It didn’t work. It’s an icon, but not in a good way.

So what the story now is that Johnny along with the scientist, the mother the girl (Alice) the guy and Johnny’s sister are the among the last survivors of the human race, the rest killed by the death ray of the Ro-man, (cheerful premise yes? It gets better).

Meantime Ro-man is not having a good time of it. He was under the impression that his job was done but his boss the Great One (oh like he isn’t over compensating for self esteem issues), tells him that there are survivors.

Great One: Have you made the correction?
Ro-Man: I need guidance, Great One. For the first time in my life, I am not sure.
Great One: You sound like a hu-man, not a Ro-Man. Can you not verify a fact?
Ro-Man: I meshed my LIP with the view-screen auditor, and picked up a count of five.
Great One: Error! Error! There are eight!

I started to sympathize with Ro-man right here. We’ve all had to deal with a boss whose only real joy was to point out our mistakes. It’s humiliating what we will put up for a buck or two isn’t it?

I digress – sorry it’s easier to digress than to write about this rotten film.

So Ro-man is tasked with killing the rest of the humans who seem immune to his death ray (the calcinator death ray to be exact – and why not). They are immune - the reason is not important – they just are.

There is some tooing and frowing and the Ro-man spends a lot of time wandering the canyon – which in that suit had to hot as hell – still you felt good because he was trying to get some exercise.

Both the humans and the Ro-man have video screens so they are able to see each other when they both want. During one of these exchanges Ro-man catches sight of Alice and starts to feel ‘something’. He begins to desire.

Then the Ro-man foils the last chance humanity has: the last two other survivors take off in stock footage V-2 to join up with the men on the ‘space platform’ – which is, I kid you not – a space ship mounted and stick and spun around by one of the movie’s crew – it’s a worse effect than the Plan Nine From Outer Space pie plate flying saucers – really you can see the guy’s hand holding the stick that the model is attached to just before it blows up.

So humanity is doomed – (this is really a bleak film at its rotten little heart) but Alice and the guy get married, then they wander off to do the wild thing – but not before the little girl runs after them to give Alice flowers. They smile and say she should hurry back to her folks. But since they want to get busy they don’t walk her back and she runs smack into Ro-man who kills her. (Thank you movie).

The mother and the professor and little Johnny find the girls body and bury her. Johnny says “I wish I had played house with her more” the Professor rather than whacking Johnny over the head with a shovel (did I tell you how much I hate this kid?) makes some speech about having to go on. Right.

Meantime the only realistic hope for a new generation after doing the nasty (implied) run into Ro-man – he kills the guy and takes Alice back to the cave. Cause he wants her. (A long and very serious essay could be written about this apes taking women off image in Hollywood – it’s neurotic and sick and deals with sex and guilt and shame and projection. Actually I’d be surprised if it hasn’t already been written – ah well onward).

After he ties up Alice and paws her a bit (did these people has issues or what,?) then the screen rings – it’s the Great One (of course) so the Ro-man has a confrontation with the Great One – I have to quote again:

Great One: Earth Ro-Man, you violate the laws of plans. To think for yourself is to be like the hu-man.
Ro-Man: Yes! To be like the hu-man! To laugh! Feel! Want! Why are these things not in the plan?
Great One: You are an extension of the Ro-Man, and a Ro-Man you will remain. Now, I set you into motion. One: destroy the girl. Two: destroy the family. Fail, and I will destroy you!

At this Ro-man does not kill the girl but he does go after Johnny who is trying to tempt him away from the cave so they can rescue Alice. Then just as Ro-man is strangling Johnny (and I’m thinking yes yes yes!) the Great One gets really p.o.ed and flings stock footage at the earth – yes we go back to the One Million Years BC footage and the other bits we had seen earlier.

Why? I don’t know.

Then the screen goes black and returns – it turns out, it was all a dream that little Johnny had when he was hit on the head with a rock – everybody is safe and well and there is no Ro-man. Frankly that disturbs me a lot – analyzing the dream you have Johnny wishing the entire planet earth dead, especially his younger sister, while harboring some kind of quasi rape fantasy about his older sister. This is one sick kid. I recommend commitment to a lock down ward in a mental hospital.

The happy group all walk away and one more time the screen flashes and Ro-man emerges from the cave, and then does it again and then again.

Why? I don’t know – listen I have enough troubles without trying to figure out some lunatic B-movie.

Last Ro-Man quote:

Ro-Man: I cannot - yet I must. How do you calculate that? At what point on the graph do "must" and "cannot" meet? Yet I must - but I cannot!