Destroy All Monsters - Yellow.

Watching this film again the overwhelming sense I get is yellow – the clouds of gas are yellow, the uniforms are yellow and the space suits of the crew of the space ship (S-Y-three or something) are a blinding yellow that look like they are advertising French’s Mustard. They are hideous. Truly awful – you need shades to look at them.

The film is set in 1999 or as Crow T Robot of Mystery Science Theater 3000 said about another film – our old future. Side Note: It’s interesting that most of the films in the 1950’s were far to conservative about our progress in outer space but films in the 1960’s have us with moon bases a plenty with eyes on Mars (which well hasn’t and most like won’t happen for a while, like my lifetime) End side note.

The idea is that all the Monsters (Godzilla, Mothra, Rodan, and the rest) are confined on an Ogasawara island - called “Monster land” in the film. (This is off of the dubbed version of the film; again I can’t imagine that the original Japanese language film is quite this stupid.) And are kept there to keep from wrecking Tokyo again. (Like I said never live in Tokyo). There is a disturbing bit where Rodan (the big winged monster) eats a dolphin. I cringed when I saw this back at the kiddy matinee at the old Beacon Theater in Port Washington. (I am pretty old).

Again as a side note let me say that the US DVD is awful - no chapters, no Japanese language version, no additional features nothing. It stinks. It’s stuff like this that makes geeks like me buy bootleg copies of things.

So all this is explained as the Female lead is being helicoptered into the base – there she is told that her job is to help on of the main scientists with studying the monsters. Which I thought was a heck of time to learn what the hell your job is supposed to be. What the hell did they talk about during the interviews? “Are you okay with wearing a lot of yellow? Like really hideous yellow?”

So just as the female lead arrives, she gets a phone call from her boyfriend on the moon. He is the Male lead, captain of the SY-3 spaceship, and he is a jerk. I really can not say that enough. He’s a self impressed jackass. The very first thing he does is complain about the cost of the call. Well then don’t frickin’ call numnuts. So as he’s making very very odd small talk “I think there are monsters here on the moon.” Then the connection is cut off, power goes out and then yellow (of course) gas knocks all the staff out. And then the monsters vanish.

The monsters re-appear attacking various cities (featuring maybe the worst French and Russian accents in the history of dubbing). Captain Jerk and his ace crew (in the yellow) go to Monster Island and discover that the staff of monster island is working or under the control of silver clad alien women called the Kilaacks ( I take my spelling off of the IMDB so if it’s wrong its their bad). Captain Jerk is upset that they aren’t wearing yellow and yells things like “You’ve just destroyed some major cities…Now who are you?”– (he does this a lot – and he doesn’t believe the Kilaacks are aliens – did I mention he’s a jerk?) And eventually there is gunfire. Captain Jerk and the crew of the SY-3 manage to drag off the Chief Scientist of the base with them.

Later the Captain Jerk and a Senior Official are interviewing the Chief Scientist in a hotel room on a cliff overlooking a beach. I’m not sure why. This guy is apparently in cahoots with aliens and has unleashed the monsters of Monster Land (gad what a name) upon the world causing untold death and destruction. Would it be too much to suggest that a jail cell would have been better? There are some empty threats from Captain Jerk “I think he’s faking it (he doesn’t say what it is) “he’s keeping quiet…cause he knows too much” – Really it’s like he got acting and speech lessons from William Shatner. Then as Jerk and the senior official have a cigarette, the Chief Scientist, stands up, walks over to the window, opens it and jumps to his death. Way to go guys.

The female lead and some other possessed earthlings try to take the body away along with Captain Jerk but they are prevented by the arrival of “the special police” who apparently have to wear the ugliest brown suits in the world – I think the costume designer hated the cast. Still it would have been nice to have had one of those Special Police say standing by the window. Ah well.

During the Autopsy (which is attended by Captain Jerk for some reason) it turns out that there was a little transmitter in the guys head making him do the aliens bidding. Then they find the monster have the same sort of control.

Meantime the Monsters attack Tokyo, a lot of monsters attack Tokyo – prompting one character to say “London, New York, Moscow, Paris. They were lucky” Lucky to be laid waste to by only one monster? That’s a funny kind of luck. During this attack the Female lead is released from alien control – after a real nasty exchange between her and Captain Jerk. “This is just like…Blackmail” He says. “You keep quiet” she says, speaking for audience. Then he rips the girl’s ear rings off her ears – she faints with blood pouring from each ear. I really don’t think much of their long term potential as a couple. Then, leaving the woman he loves lying unconscious on the floor, Captain Jerk shows the earrings off with a “look how smart I am” look on his face. This conversation goes on for a quite a while before he pays any attention to the bleeding woman lying inert on the floor. (Did I mention he’s a jerk?) As a side note in this scene he is wearing Ketchup red. Really ugly red.

There is a lot of toing and frowing after this – and it turns out that the monsters are controlled by commands coming from a transmitter that is on the moon – how it does this when the earth is round and any kind of electromagnetic waves would not bend around the part of the earth that is facing away from the moon is not addressed. But this is a movie with guys in monster suits after all – not science 101.

The SY-3 goes to the moon – which apparently has a swamp – no I’m not kidding. They say ‘we’ll turn at the swamp’ – I really have to wonder if the folks that wrote the English language version knew anything at all. This is not the kind of mistake – non-English speakers writing English which gave us the memorable phrase “all you base are belong to us” - this is just dumb and lazy.

The crew of the SY-3 discovers the alien base and disconnects the control center and discovers the weakness of the aliens – they turn to rocks when the temperature is too low. The scene goes on much too damn long with Captain Jerk yelling at everybody – he really needs some anger management issues. I’d hate to hear what the crew says about him when he’s not there

There is another monster battle with the earth controlling the earth monsters and King Ghidora the three headed monster, followed by a final battle between the crew of the SY-3 and the aliens – where Captain Jerk says “Everybody is now… ready for action.” – well yes we’re in a space ship fighting a flying saucer. What the hell else would be we be ready for? Baking? Nitwit. Still all ends happily with the monsters back on Monster Island and everybody dressed in yellow. Really hideous yellow. Except Captain Jerk who for the only time in the film is in civvies. Why? Damned if I know.

Minor bit of trivia – this movie marks the last appearance of Varan the Unbelievable who has a quick cameo at the end of the film – the suit was apparently in too bad shape to do much else.

Other bit of trivia – Bargon is mentioned twice but never shows up.

Random Neural Firings

A woman has been charged, per the nets, with attempted malicious castration. I’m not sure there is any other kind.

Saddam is dead. Another dictator comes to a bad end. It will change nothing and proves nothing.

The weird thing was that the press reported that W was asleep when the news came though and wasn’t awakened. But it was about 9 pm at night in Texas. Who the hell over the age of 7 is sound asleep at 9 pm?

To anyone who had any doubts that Ford’s Pardon of Nixon was a bad idea, Dick Cheney’s praise of the actions should remove them. Cheney is like a lodestone for evil – he is irresistibly drawn to it.

Many kind things are being said about Ford – I doubt very much Jimmy Carter (who seems to the odds on favorite to be the next to go) will get the same kind of treatment from the pundit class.

Blogger has been a complete pain hates pictures - maybe the Yellow.

Peace, Love, Rubber Monsters