AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Was sent something on myspace called “how to install love” it’s a pretend dialogue between some tech – and a person who wants to ‘install love’ as I was reading it I found myself thinking “I’m going to throw up that’s what I’m going to do”

I've rarely encountered such a complete dose of teeth rotting cloying sickening treacle in my life. At the end it asks you to share this with everyone you know so here it is (with a few annotations by me)

HOW TO INSTALL LOVE... (Right)

Tech Support: Yes, . how can I help you? (Like he answered the phone right away? No for billing questions press one, for all other inquiries please press two, followed by a more and more menus until you have to press the pound (#) sign. At some point I will start to press 0 and make a noise like an animal in pain to get a human being)

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to
install Love (ahhhhh). Can you guide me through the process?

Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed? (Yo tech man he just said that – didn’t he? GET ON WITH IT)

Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. (Good God man do or don’t – you’re acting like fricking Hamlet here. I’m a busy man) What do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. (At this point we hear blood curdling screams as the simpleton on the other end of the line has cut open his own chest and is now tying to slice his own heart open.) Have you located your Heart?

Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. (What the hell are you an android?) Is it okay to install Love while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running ?

Customer: Let's see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge
and Resentment running right now. (In my case add oh bitter sarcasm, and a rabid dislike of having ones intelligence insulted by simplistic triple like this)

Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from
Your current operating system (so does Time, Bourbon or joining the Foreign Legion). It may remain in your permanent memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs (except at the worst possible moments like you are about to commit to a relationship and the memory of Susie dumping reduces you to speechless jelly and the moment is lost forever). Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem (excuse me tech twit eventually is a long damn time. Eventually a lot of things happen – eventually we are worm bait ). However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment (My ancestors were from Ireland – I remember some one said this “A working definition of eternity is how long and Irishman holds a grudge. I’ve never even forgiven the New York Giants for trading Sam Huff). Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. (But make life much more interesting) Can you turn those off?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off (Hey dickhead that’s why I called you – if I knew how I would call. Well that’s what you get when you outsource customer service). Can you tell me how? (Schmuck)

Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu (again with the Android stuff) and invoke Forgiveness (forgive? Forgive who? Me, them? What? Forgiveness is a long and painful process requiring a lot of deep work – it’s not some kind of spiritual Clorox wipe that you can just wipe away hurt and damage and your feelings towards the ones that have damaged you. There’s a whole sick stepford wives tone to this). Do this as many times as necessary (like years maybe? ) until Grudge and Resentment have been completely erased. (then apply an under coat of ‘brainwashed idiot’ and let dry)

Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. (Gates you are a bastard aren’t you) You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades. (customer , clueless then runs into street and begins to tear the hearts out of the chests of passers by and eat them in an attempt to get their love.)

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "Error- Program not run on external components. (and you’re a psycho)" What should I do?

Tech Support: Don't worry. It means that the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. (I have no idea what the hell this means – really. It doesn’t make a lick of sense. Not a bit. ) In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others. (Does that work with loathing as well because I utter loathe the people who did this – does that mean I loathe myself as well?)

Customer: So, what should I do? (How about put down the bloody heart in your hand and give yourself up to the police? )

Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance (again with the android stuff and hey what if I don’t have the Self –Acceptance program hey big stuff? What then? Considering my level of self esteem it’s very possible – what then jagoff?) ; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations. (again with the idea that painful processes are like paper towels to wipe the blues away)

Customer: Okay, done.

Tech Support: Now, copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system
will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming (can I down load porn? Or how about sexual fantasies?). Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism (Never!) from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin (I think this guy’s recycle bin is pretty damn empty already if you get my drift) to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back (like those pesky bad memories when you saw…ah..never mind..)

Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart (kill me – please just fucking kill me now). Is this normal? (No it’s not normal jackass – we are emotional creatures can at any time feel a wide variety of emotions some pleasant some, not so pleasant – but none of them are bad – even anger and jealousy are just feelings and sometimes completely justified – it’s what you do with them that matters. This wanting to live in a happy happy joy joy world is not normal – it’s an infantile retreat from the challenges and joys and sorrows of living a real life).

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually everything gets it at the proper time. (Again – eventually we are all dead) So Love is installed and running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet (No don’t tear their hearts out). They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you. (Like sex or as long as we are asking how about a pony?)

Customer: Thank you, God. (Yes thank you so bloody much since, if we accept the idea of an all powerful deity, you were the one who made me the lonely self loathing wreck I was in the first place, thanks so much for deigning to end my suffering. Putz)

God/Tech Support: You're Welcome, Anytime. (what a wanker).

So please share this with others

Happy holidays to all,

“I am coming Constantinople.”

Peace, Love. Eyeball masks

Was going to do something about the Residents but saw this.