Son of the Revenge of the 31 Days of Cheese - Day 26: Judge Dredd

Okay we’re moving into the pure pain territory here. Sylvester Stallone and comic relief is enough to make one gouge one’s eyes out – after having punctured both ear drums so you can’t ear either  - and pinball completes the scene – sorry this film is so bad that my brain is trying to divert my attention away from it. This. 1995’s Judge Dredd.

It’s about 100 years in the future – everything has gone to shit environment wise and humanity lives in huge walled of cites. It’s not clear if Mega City (formerly New York) is the only city on what is called the cursed earth or if they are others – it matters not to the film –  and of course civilization is breaking down and in order to impose at least a small amount of order on the chaos the Street Judges are  arresting office, judge jury and executioner all at the same time. Saves paper work I guess.

Sylvester Stallone plays Judge Dredd the baddest street Judge of them all. I have to say any film that has Stallone wear a codpiece is not a film that I would normally spend time with but there I was.

And there he was in the costume – saying “I am the Law!”

Well not exactly, it came out of somewhat like “I ham.. de lew” not quite as bad as say Inspector Clouseau saying “I am an officer of de laaaaaw, do you have a lisasaaaance for that Menky?” but close enough.

Per the ever infallible internet movie database Sly has some paralysis on the left side of his face making his slur words sometimes – as in “I ham de lew”

It  reminded me of the efforts of the male lead in Birdemic to pronounce “Solar Panels” and “Vietnamese Restaurant” not a good thing for me.

After that the films goes through its depressing rounds – there are expulsions – the comic relief reliefs comically, Max Von Sydow makes some money for this grandchildren and provides the film’s  major exposition after being run through by a spear from a cyber cannibal (don’t ask).

The comic relief if you can call it that is brought to us by Rob Schnider – who as far as I can tell from a quick look over the ever infallible internet movie database has never been in good film. Profitable yes. Good no.

Anyway as part of a byzantine and not very interesting  plot twist – Dredd is framed for murder and ends up going to prison on the same ship with Roy – who in an apparently improvised scene made fun of Stalone’s “I ham de lew”

This ship is blown by the aforesaid cannibals who are killed by Dredd and Max Von Sydow– who gets stabbed by the last of the cannibals (which come to think of it would be in interesting movie title) and then we are expected to believe that Armand Assante– (Rico) is a genetic match for Stallone as Judge Dredd. I can tell you one thing – Assante can say “I am the law” better than Stallone can.

The plot idea by the evil folks – there is some other guy other than Assante but he’s there just to get killed later before the big final battle was to make things so bad that the Janus project – a project to clone judges (Dredd and Assante were prototypes  is required which will give the other evil guy complete control over the universe – or mega city or Pittsburgh.  I don’t know and I don’t there.   

The whole things goes to smash Dredd kills the folks that need killing and then returns to his place as a street judge. Schneider survives for some reason (originally he was supposed to die but early screenings proved audiences hated that – maybe they wanted Dredd to die so Roy survives.)

One odd note was that many of the fan boys of the comic book were upset that Stallone took off his helmet something that the comic book Dredd never did. I can see their point – but I can see the movies’ point as well – and honesty Stallone doesn’t have the highly trained voice of say Hugo Weaving who was able to pull off never taking his mask off in V for Vendetta.

Full of what are by now are clichéd visions of dystopian urban future – with actors either being stoic (Stallone)  or eating larges chunks of scenery (Armand who really should be ashamed.) This is a painful slog through the future.

Enjoy with spaghetti (you’ll see why if you watch the film)