Son of the Revenge of the 31 Days of Cheese - Day 23 - Mars Needs Women!

Okay this is another film that you can pretty much tell what will be happening just from the title. There will be Martians, they will need women and they will land in Texas.

Wait, what?

This film is one of several horrors visited upon us by one Larry Buchanan who along with folks like Ed Wood, William One shot Baudine and the like was a director of many horrible films of this is the most famous – mostly for the title.  This was one of six movies he made as part of a package deal for a studio – which he shot in Texas to cut costs. And oh boy does it show.

Actually you’d think form the title you’re looking at a not to serious film that might allow one to have a bit of fun with the whole mating game as played in the 1960’s and maybe make a few comments that you couldn’t  outside the realm of sci-fi. This however is not done – for what it’s worth it’s played utterly utterly straight as if the idea of five Martians coming to the planet looking for women is something likely to be ripped out of the headlines tomorrow.

Okay – first we see three women disappear – one while playing tennis, one while at a bar with a much older fellow and one in a shower.

We then arrive at a NASA lab where the angry general is told that the transmission they have been receiving has been translated – the message is the infamous  “Mars Needs Women”

Angry general goes and tells the secretary of  defense who seems have gone senile because he’s staring at a map with strings attached to it when Angry General comes in and tells him the message.

Then the Martians attempt to make direct contact with us – and Angry General is there – the lead Martian Tommy Kirk in a very bad segment of his career explains the deal – Mars needs women as due to some mutation the current ratio of men to women is something like 100-1. You’d think they might have started to worry when the ratio was something like  100-50 or even  100-25 but apparently the Martians are stubborn and now with the crisis well and truly upon them they are forced to land on earth and they wish to take five women.  Apparently they tired simply beaming the women up – but that didn’t work. (so are they dead? What? Film doesn’t bother to say)

Okay you’re going to repopulate mars with five women. They are going to be very busy ladies yes?

Well anyway rather than finding a Russian Bride service they land in Texas after some toing and frowing where ‘the most advanced weapons” as evidenced by stock footage proves itself unable to stop the Martian landing. Not that we see any of this, this is all said to us over a loud speaker, much to angry general’s anger.

The saucer lands in an abandoned ice factory – and the five creeps , sorry Martians, pop out of the saucer wearing wetsuits with duct tape and antenna attached.  Whatever they paid these guys it wasn’t enough because they look like idiots in this gear.

Understanding that they will not get much babe action looking like they do – Tommy Kirk , called Dot, or One the head of the Martians assigns folks to gets things like a car, a map of the place some money and clothes.

Now here’s the thing one of the Martians makes an offhand comment that their scale model of the ice factory was very accurate – so they can do that but they need to steal a map from a gas station?  The hell?

So now newly attired and with a car, the fellows set out. The first stop is a strip club – one of the Martians ogles a stripper – another one ends up stalking a stewardess at the airport , the third kidnaps the homecoming queen at an SMU football game – I bush to admit I recognized the helmets.

Meantime Tommy has found his girl – one Yvonne Craig better known to most as Batgirl from the 1960s show – she is an expert on DNA and per the sign in the hotel “Sex in Space.”

There were so many chances for at least a goofy look at modern mores here and what a Martian would consider an ideal woman – (judging from the film blonde, firm bosomed and not too bright) but well they never got into .

The story ends with batgirl falling in love with Dot and dot falling in love with Batgirl but Dot aborts the mission and leaves Batgirl and the f our women they did kidnap – the army moved in before they could freeze them – what? Never mind.

Even at 82 minutes this is a long and drawn out film – hardly anybody can act, yes Yvonne is cute in a 1960’s way but really this is a very dull slog through an idea that promised a lot more.

Enjoy with white bread it’s that dull.