Son of the Revenge of the 31 Days of Cheese - Day 13: Curse of the Faceless Man

For the day before St. Valentine’s day, a bit of a love story: Faceless Man comes back from the dead, kills, loves, and resolves into a dew.

Well kind of – had to stretch that last bit to make it fit. What he does is bubble into sea water – while carrying the girl.

I digress.

We get at the start Strident and by strident I mean strident – the creature from the black lagoon monster da-da-das! Strident music ceases and we well not drive right into the action but are talked to by the Narrator who will be with us all film long – even when we’d like to say okay will you just shut up now? I can see what’s happening I don’t need you.

Actually come to think of I would think the curse of the faceless man would sound something like “mmmhgghmmmmm” since he doesn’t have a mouth.

Anyway – this film is a riff on the Mummy films – partly the original Mummy with Mr. K – Boris Karloff and The Mummy’s hand which established the trope of the shambling hulk that for some reason folks cannot out run .

After a bit of  narration about Pompeii (and a cheesy volcano footage) the narrator tells us – as were’ watching about how a worker at the site of Pompeii discovered a box of jewels and this body that seemed to be still moving for a bit – now apparently the worker didn’t mention the moving hand bit because  well who listens to workmen these days or in those days either come to think of it. The chest has precious jewels and a bronze medallion with writing in Etruscan on it (da da da!)  sorry had to do that.

Dr  Paul who is torn away from the bedside of the six million dollar man – well actually he played the guy who in the opening credits said “we can rebuild him yada yada yada” he’s some kind of doctor - is summoned by the head of the museum and Professor Fiorllio (hereinafter Professor F)  - he once had a thing with the prof’s daughter but that is over with – as we are told when Lady F and Enrico show up.

Meantime the central leitmotif of the movie is about to being – the faceless man become’s mobile – this time while being carried in pickup truck – and causes damage – this time killing the driver and causing the car to wreck. The faceless man – not wearing a seat belt – is thrown clear. Which being the monster of the film means it didn’t affect him

Summoned by the police Paul, Prof. F lady F and the rest view the accident. Lady F finds out that Paul is engaged to be married to an American Girl Tina who is studying art in Rome – Lady F wishes Paul a lot of happiness. In lieu of how utterly useless Paul is most of the time in this film, I suspect by the end she felt like she dodged a bullet there.

As this  is going on – Really really old professor with what sounds like a French accent to me comes and explains he has translated the medallion which has the curse of the faceless man – wishing bad things to Pompeii and worse things to anyone who stands between him and his desire.

One of which turns out to be Tina (da da da) who studying art in Italy seems to have forgotten the idea of a studio being separate from where she sleeps – the apartment is covered with paintings and one assumes the smell of oil paint and thinner would be overwhelming.

Well anyway Tina recounts to Paul a dream which led her to paint her latest painting – a faceless figure bound. Paul rather freaks out and later has Tina tell the story to the rest of the cast.

What follows then are a series of reactivations of the mummy – he has a long Latin name but no matter the mummy he is and the really really old professor’s gradual discovery that Tina is a reincarnation with the exact facial features of the woman the Mummy loved all those years ago – he was a slave she was an aristocrat – their love could never be – actually in the roman aristocrats of  79 ad it was pretty much anything goes really. But the real problem is the actress playing Tina is so obviously a blonde California girl that you really can’t accept that the lady of 79 ad looked anything like her.

Amway after a few encounters most of which leave Paul lying on the floor after the Mummy has swatted him like a fly – the Mummy with Tina in his arms walks towards to ocean – the anniversary of the eruption of Mount Vesuvius and he’s a bit confused under all that plaster or rock or whatever he is covered with. Also his coming to life and then reverting to a stone statue isn’t really explained – there is some jabbering about radiation and alchemy but he moves when the film needs him to and that’s about it.

So the Mummy roman guy and the woman he loves are heading for the ocean – Paul, the members of the cast that have not been killed or injured by the Mummy give chase along with the Italian police and there, at a beach that looks a lot like something from southern California – the mummy after whacking a few cops over the head – wades into the sea and starts to dissolve. Not being the brightest of sorts he keeps on going eventually dissolving completely away giving Paul the chance to perform the dorkest looking rescue in the history of rescuing drowning people.

The cast looks somberly while the narrator who never shuts up the whole  film gives the last word and we roll credits.

Oddly enough for a film with such long pauses in the action hit never quite develops the themes – things are mentioned but never gone into as well it’s time for the Mummy to move again. And the Mummy’s okay but lumbering and slow you can’t imagine it catching anybody.

Enjoy with canned spaghetti