31 Days of Cheese Day 9: King Kong Lives!

I’m not sure why they made this film. Not one little bit. This is a sequel to the unloved 1976 remake of King Kong. For some reason someone in the De Laurentiis organization in 1986 thought that it would be a good to do. It might have been Deno himself. He had just horrible taste.

Anyway the mess starts with scenes from the 1976 remake where Kong falls off the World Trade Center. Then we switch to Atlanta (why Atlanta? De Laurentiis had established a movie studio in North Carolina- DEG Group so that seems logical.) where it turns out Kong is not dead. (it would have been a short movie if that was the case) but instead is in a coma hooked up to the biggest heart long machine you ever saw.

There we find plucky and beautiful surgeon Linda Hamilton is upset because Kong’s blood has thinned to the point where if they try and put in the artificial heart they have built for Kong he will die.

I remember watching this movie in the theater – back when you didn’t have to spend $15 bucks to see a movie – and thinking ‘okay here we have a fifty foot ape who the last time he was ambulatory killed a lot of people and caused major damage. And now you want to put a jarvic seven heart the size of Buick into him? Is this the best idea we ever had?” it’s a measure of the movie’s weird dishonesty that it never even asks that question.

Anyway without new blood Kong is dead. Cue the intrepid jungle tracker who discovers another huge ape (this time a female) and it turns out her blood is a match (again something that the film doesn’t mention).

So they have the operation – which is about as silly a thing as remember seeing. From the pneumatic circular saw to cut Kong open, the sponges’ that look like giant que tips to the crane (and how does one sterilize a crane?) carrying the heart.

So Kong is up and about and the first thing he wants is the female. You know I kind of think after having massive surgery and coming out of a ten year coma, sex would not be the first thing on my mind. But that’s this film.

The apes escape and the plucky Surgeon and the jungle tracker chase after them along with the army headed up by the main heavy of the film Col. Nevitt who reminds me of Sergeant slaughter the 70’s-80’s wrestler. The apes have a night of passion (which we don’t see thank god – we see the courtship which is enough) as do the Plucky Surgeon and the Jungle Tracker (Linda’s line “We’re primates too” caused the whole theater to erupt in laughter.)

Anyway the army captures the Lady Kong and seemingly kills Kong.

Of course he doesn’t – and after some toing and frowing, including an embarrassing scene with redneck hunters he returns to his lady love. Who is pregnant.

If anything the film gets sillier as Kong attempts to free his lady love as he manages to sneak up on the army guarding the Lady Kong. I mean really. A fifty foot ape doesn’t sneak up on anybody.

One thing else I noted was that the army hadn’t supplied Nevitt with tanks. If I’m dealing with a fifty foot ape. I want tanks. Seriously.

In the end Kong kills the Colonel and sees his son (a man in gorilla suit) then dies. Then in the happy ending the female and the man in the gorilla suit live out their days in Borneo or some jungle location.

As stupid a film as I have ever seen.

This is not even going into the special effects which have not one but two folks in gorilla suits romping about sets that would embarrass Toho on their worst days.

Enjoy with Banana Chips.