Worst Moive Ever?

Finally got to see Troll 2 – after getting it from Netflix and waiting about a month before I was really willing to lose the some moments that I’ll never get back and the brain cells that will bite the dust from the damage I knew that this film was going to cause.

Finally I got to see it. I had started out taking gonzo style notes as is my habit. (it’s a easy way to get a blog post up) recording my impressions as they occurred but I was unable to continue after about 50 minutes into this film. One I was becoming numb and two, too many bad things were happening for me to keep up via the written word.

Let me be frank – this is a horrible film – the dialogue is bad, the acting is worse, either folks can’t act at all or, well overacting isn’t big enough a word to describe what the druid lady (I forget the name and I won’t look it up) does – there isn’t a piece of scenery left by the time she stops chewing it. The music sounds like it was made on a very cheap casino keyboard and is amazingly perky for a horror film.

Anyway quickly the story is of this family Mom, Dad, Kid, and Sister who, for a vacation exchange houses with a family in the small town of nilbog – which is goblin spelled backwards and they are menaced by goblins who want to eat them after first turning them into vegetable matter. There is also a Winnebago with the sisters idiot boy friend and his three friends whose function is simply to provide casualties along the way.

You’ll notice I wrote Goblins, not Trolls – one of the many many quirks of this film is that while it’s called Troll 2 there isn’t a troll in sight the entire film. The name was changed to take advantage of the minor (and I do mean minor success of Troll – which is featured on a pretty lazy DVD called the 50 worst films ever made – yes I saw it but I won’t talk about that now) so Troll 2 it became. Such are Hollywood legends born.

Added to them mix is a ghostly grandfather who appears mostly only to the kid – he gets lost once along the way and shows himself to the sister – senility continues after you die is the suggestion here – or something. It’s so hard to tell with this film.

A note about the kid. He’s sweaty and damn unappealing between his look of I haven’t had a bowel movement in 3 days and his whiny voice. And he’s the hero of the film. Along with the creepy ghost grandfather…

And then adding to the sense of barely contained insaness of this film is the underlying rant against vegetarians In one segment a preacher (who is a goblin in disguise – all the town folks are goblins in disguise but that’s not really important ) rants about the eating of meat and lists the effects including hemorrhoids, which I noted while watching “this may be the first time hemorrhoids have been mentioned in a horror film.” As a part of this towards the end, the kid wards off the goblins with a bologna sandwich given to him by his ghostly grandfather (don’t bother to try to figure it out you can’t).

There is a lot to hate or point and hoot at with this film that I haven’t mentioned. The scene where the kid pees on the evil goblin food to prevent his family from eating it, one of the boyfriends friends being turned into a tree and then being trimmed, the use of corn on the cob in a seduction, the lunatic running the general store who by his own admission was in a mental hospital at the time of filming, and green glop everywhere.

Still is this the worst film ever?

Hard to say, and I think it comes down to a matter of personal taste, I’ll freely admit it’s down there with Robot Monster, Plan Nine from Outer space, Manos, Anything Coleman Francis made, The Exorcist Part 2 (which was so bad that folks threw things at the screen as the film ended back in 1977 – it was quickly pulled and re-edited so the version on the DVD isn’t that one), The Astounding She Monster, She Devil from Outer Space, and the like – it’s just I feel that Plan Nine has this strange weird poetry and shoddy production values that nose out Troll and Manos has all that plus a sleazy undertone and raises questions of basic technical competence that make watching that – sans the bots from MST3K a numbing nightmare.

And there is Battlefield Earth or that thing Brittany Spears made, so worst, no but truly a horrible time for all.

And I’d rather not rank things like that anyway – it’s horrible and let it go at that.

Peace Love don’t eat the green goblin food.