31 Days of Cheese - Day Three: Zardoz

In case you were wondering – In the 70’s people did a lot of drugs, all kinds of drugs. LSD, Pot, Mushrooms, ludes, hash, and really just about anything that came down the transom. And then they went to work – as evidence I give you 1974’s Zardoz. To help me try and understand what the hell is going on here I have asked my stoned friend from college Timmy to sit in with me. (hey dudes). I’m hoping he can shed some light on what’s going on.

The film starts with the face someone in what looks like a Arab headdress with a drawn on mustache and beard floating around and jabbering things like “I’m immortal” and “what if god was in Show Business.” Well he probably wouldn’t green light this film, but never mind.

We fade to black and then we view an enormous stone head (heh-heh you said head) floating in the air. It slowly comes to land in from of men wearing what look like red diapers and masks that look like the head (head heh-heh. Shut up Tim) and begins to speak. It says it is Zardoz and then jabbers about sex being bad and the gun being good, then guns and ammunition spew out of the head to the worshipers below. I guess the director John Bormann (who has much to answer for since he wrote the damn thing) was saying the NRA would be ruling the world in 2232 or whatever the date this is set is. One thing that is a bit weird is that all the rifles are Lee Endfields (standard British military rifle for both World War 1& 2) but the ammunition looks like shotgun shells. Well it’s the future.

Then we get our first glance of Sean Conner (he’s just sooooo coooollll) he has a big porn mustache, a pony tail, and is wearing (as he will throughout most of the film) a red diaper and thigh high boots (you said Thigh. Yes Tim I know look here’s something shiny look at that for a while.)

Then we follow Sean (who’s name we learn is Zed) as he stows away inside the head (inside the head heh heh) and finds himself inside “The Vortex” (heh-heh you said sex. No Tim I said Vortex. Boar-sex? No. Never mind Tim.) where dwell the immortals.

It turns out that sometime in the past civilization on earth collapsed and the immortals (per their own description “the elite the rich and the bright” sealed themselves off from the world and later on in the process discovered immortality and they use the guys in the red diapers to kill or later enslave the surviving folks (the brutals they call them.). But now they all want to die (and soon, the viewer wants them to die as well quickly because then the movie will be over).

Turns out that the immortals while possessing things like telepathy and such (which they use by waving their hands and going woo woo) have lost contact with life, living, whatever, while Zed, in his red diaper, is simply full of it. There is a cringe inducing but funny scene where they expose Zed (heh heh you said expose. Listen Tim why don’t you just go and get some white castle or something okay? White Castle, hey you want any? No Tim, I’m fine.) to various pictures to see what arouses him – turns out it’s the lady scientist who is giving the test is what turns Zed on. (she’s hot, there are some other naked chicks but they aren’t so hot. They’re not big enough if you know what I mean. Heh-heh. Weren’t you going to go to White Castle? Oh yeah. I forgot.)

There are several shots of the store house of the ages where you see statues and paintings and what not but it seems that their collection ends about the early impressionist era and the music is all classical, apparently they didn’t save anything by Chuck Berry (You into the Dead man? No Tim. Gerry was soooo cool man.) Actually, just once I’d like to see one of these save the remnants of civilization after the collapse collections include an Elvis on Velvet or a statue of Godzilla.

Anyway at the end we and Zed learn what the secret of the name Zardoz is (it’s pretty dumb), Sean gets into a wedding dress for some reason (and while wearing the dress, his expression of “oh god my acting career is over” is priceless) and finally some of Zed’s fellow red diapered killers show up and start shooting people. Zed and the lady scientist go off and have a son and then die and then the film ends.

It’s all very heavy with meaning but for the life of me I can’t say what that meaning is other than living 300 years or more is a drag. (wow, think of how much dope you could smoke in 300 years. Thank you Tim. Now go home. Sure, you want any white castle? No Tim. I said I was fine. You did? Yes.)

A very very profoundly stupid film. Enjoy with brownies.