The Return of the Ghost of the Son of the 31 Days of Cheese - Day 31 - The Sinister Urge

Ed Wood of course.

There are some sad ironies in this film – among which  it was Ed’s Last legitimate film before he started writing and directing Porn – and this film is about the evil effects of pornography.

And this being an Ed Wood film well  it’s kinda weird.

We start off with a woman running in a park wearing a bar and slip – the credits roll – she manages to get to a pay phone and then starts screaming “operator! Operator!” in a voice that drills right through your head.  Amazingly enough it’s not the most annoying voice in the film. She is then killed by Dirk – we don’t know his name yet but we will so bear with me.  Honestly I’m sorry the poor girl is dead but at least she’s quiet now.

Cut to the police. The murder is reported – Lt. Carson and Sgt. Stone – who were in a lot of Ed’s films go out to the park – the look at the girl – and note this is not the first time they have seen a girl cut up in the park – and Carson mutters that he’ll bet this is linked to the smut racket.

Cut to the smut racket.

Old dude with an accent with a camera – geeky guys holding lights three women on a bed – yep it’s a porn shoot – except well the women are all in what look like bikinis or very modest underwear and aren’t’ moving.  Then they take a break and in a typically inexplicable Ed Wood moment  one of the women walks over to a chair and sits down. Standing next to the chair is a woman wearing nothing but a towel. Who she is is never explained.  The break over the woman in her underwear rises – rather ponderously from the chair – and walks back to the bed. Woman in the towel says nothing and does not move.  When she goes a rather sinister looking man wearing only pants sits down in the same chair and leers at the woman in the towel.  I have no idea what is going on.

All that’s missing is Bella Lugosi yelling pull the string.

Enter Johnny Ride –  he’s one of the mainstays of the smut racket – he wants old dude with accent to pack up all the material they have in the store room and move it somewhere else – in the old days before the internet smut was either on paper or film. Took up a lot of space it did.

Well as you’d expect there is a raid – still what they were being busted for is a little hard to tell as nobody was naked or even close to naked. But there is yell and shouting and all that and then the cops put pressure on the old dude with the accent who spills the beans on the storage closet.  We cut to a stock shot of film canisters.  Yep It’s and Ed Wood Film.

Back at police hq – the chief reads the riot act to our two detectives saying  with clear anger “Smut, Rotten Smut.”  It’s not exactly clear if he’s objecting to the smut or complaining about its quality.

We are then treated to a public citizen wandering in complaining about his taxes and then wondering why the police are wasting their time chasing after dirty pictures. Lt. Carson delivers a fairly deranged response linking smut to every other crime murder, arson, robber et all averting that if a crime has been committed  ‘there’s a picture somewhere.’ He calls it worse than dope – the man his eyes opened I guess slinks away defeated.  Or just decides to move to another town where the cops aren’t as high strung and batshit insane.

Next we meet Gloria the head of the racket. She has several noticeable characteristics one she wears very odd outfits – a different one almost every scene it’s like when the stole the octopus for Bride of the Monster Ed’s boys also ran amok in a wardrobe as well. Anyway they are weird looking as only late 50’s early 60’s women’s clothing can look – one skirt has so many ruffles and things that all you hear when she walks is the loud rustle of fabric. Very loud. As in you can’t hear her talk.

Which is the other noticeable thing about her. Her voice, is as the saying goes like a sharp stick in the eye, it’s very staccato and VERY grating.

Johnny lets her know a) that Dirk has taken care of the woman killed at the start of the film. She apparently was trying to get in on Gloria’s action.  Johnny is a bit worried about Dirk who when he sees porn gets out of control and wants to kill.  Gloria brushes him off, then we go into a bit of how do we use the stock footage we have mode – which sets up the scene where Mr. Wood himself plays one side of a well who knows anyway there is  long fight the cops are called and the town’s pizza place is shut down.

Violence is also committed against the owner of a ice cream shop by four women – because he wasn’t paying them for the smut he was selling. This is a tough town.

We then join Dirk in the Park where he meets a lady of uncertain virtue, then as things get out of hand – she tries to escape but is killed by Dirk, but not before she is topples for a moment.  It’s weird none of the filming porno scenes feature any nudity but this scene does.

The killing is also never mentioned again.

Back at the station the two detectives talk about how at this moment a young Mary Sue (or something ) with stars in her eyes will end up in the snares of the smut racket.  There is one amusing moment here when she meets Johnny Ryde at his office the film posters on his wall are of old Ed Wood films.  He explains he doesn’t make those kind of pictures.

This we then see her downfall– almost in real damn time until at the end – the hopelessly compromised the young woman wears a floor length night gown While being filmed with the wind machine going.

Huh? What?

Then the guy with the mustache and no shirt pulls the gown off and we see her shadow.

Hot? Not so much.

However Mary does have another part to play. Dirk breaks into Gloria’s house, finds pictures of Mary and starts well cooing them then opening his knife. It’s a boy scout pocket knife.  Really.  Blades about two inches long. You have to be very  very good to do any harm with that.

But Dirk Manages – he finds Mary feeding the ducks at the park – you ‘d think there would be at least a few folks  warning women to stay away from the park but no – Mary ends up face down in the water with the ducks swimming about.

 But Dirk has gone too far – the syndicate – or two guys order Gloria to take care of Dirk. Johnny has a rather rube Goldberg plan to put Dirk in one of Gloria’s ‘old cars’ – to explain the use of stock footage – where the breaks have been tampered with –then there is a  kerfuffle with Dirk trying to attack a guy dressed in women’s clothing. Not Ed Wood by the way. Funny you’d think. Well never mind. Johnny rescues him and puts him in the car.

Dirk survives the attack and back at Gloria’s tries to kill Johnny – and announces he wants to be top dog – given his impulse control problems well I’m not sure it’s a good fit. Johnny talking very fast tires to fob Dirk off with it was Gloria’s idea that he get killed and then when Gloria comes in – in maybe the silliest outfit yet – it’s a very tight sheath looking dress until just above the knees where it becomes a very flouncy skirt.  Just so odd.

Anyway Johnny tries to get Gloria to set up a meeting with him and the syndicate – Gloria says fine then goes to change – I can’t image why.  Dirk hiding in the darkness is unimpressed with Johnny ‘s explanations and drags him off to kill him off screen – When Gloria comes out of the bed room she calls out to Johnny but Dirk is the one answering and who Gloria promptly shoots. It’s dark so she doesn’t know.

She then calmly calls the police thinking she’ll pin Johnny’s murder on Dirk.  This doesn’t happen as the police show her who she shot – she was also stupid enough not to ditch the gun.

The film ends with Carmon Saying ‘pornography a nasty name for a dirty business’ which is why we call it Porn these days. It sounds so much friendlier.

It’s not Ed Wood’s wildest film – that remains Plan Nine but it does have the strange poetry in the dialogue this time in a gangster picture and the awkward pauses and the general oddness that Ed brought to everything he did. 

Enjoy with Ice cream and Pizza – maybe not in that order.

Thanks for reading these.  Those who did.   And I hope to back again next year with more cheese.

And so, in the Words of the late Lux Interior of the Cramps - "Stay Sick."