Return of the Ghost of the Son of the 31 Days of Cheese - Day 30 - Sharkndao

The cheese movie event of 2013 had to be Sharknado – even before it was broadcast (I’m breaking a bit of my own rules here but never mind) it was a phenomena. 

And it’s bad.

Really bad.

Almost Ed Wood level bad.

I suppose the film came out of the problem that faces all people wanting to make something in the water is going to eat you movies face – how do you get people in the water – at least after it become obvious that bad things happen to anybody in the water.

Well Sharknado tries to solve this problem by a) flooding the land so LA is full of sharks and b) the aforementioned Sharknado – Waterspouts really (which are tornados that form over the water) full of sharks as tornados can pull all sorts of things into the air.

“Debris!” – Quote from Tornado (which actually had better CGI than this film).

And I guess somebody thought okay a tornado full of sharks and thus Sharknado came into being.

The film starts with a odd face off on the high seas over the price of shark fin (for  the making of shark fin soup duh) followed by a storm and a gun battle in the middle of the storm which we are told is near a pod of 23,000 (give or take) sharks – some of which eat the folks on the boat which is itself drawn up into…

The Sharknado.

After credits we meet the male lead – Fin Sheppard, older famous surfer dude with his Tasmanian friend on the beach – then there is a shark attack which eats a young woman and then takes a bite out of the Taz dude (among others).

None of this is handled very well and It’s painfully obvious that the male lead is standing  on a board on dry land and not too well to tell the truth.  Balance seems a problem.

Later we’re back in the bar owned by Fin – we meet Nova who is cute in bikini, has scars that she doesn’t want to talk about and has kind of goo goo eyes for Fin.  There is also George, the bar’s Norm who when not drinking himself into oblivion (a good choice considering this film) is making leering comments about Nova.

There talk of sharks – and a hurricane – and Fin decides it’s time to close the bar down and batten the hatches and get ready for landfall –

In an Ed Wood moment we cut to an outside shot – it’s a beautiful day at the beach.

Really sunny – light breeze the kind of day that makes you glad to be alive.

We cut back to the bar – and a few moments later a shark smashes its way into the bar through the window.

A word about the sharks in this movie. Sharktopus at least recognized that sharks don’t attack every moving object around them – this movie however has sharks being tossed out of water or being carried along a flood or the Sharknado still chomping away at people. This would be like someone who is drowning in a whirlpool eating a sandwich – the only explanation is these are Zombie sharks already dead so their only motivation is to eat the flesh of the living – thank you. I’ll take a percentage of the gross if you don’t mind.

Anyway chaos ensues – and by the way hurricanes don’t sneak up on people – you have hours if not days to get ready for impact  - it’s not The news says a Hurricane is on the way and then 5 minutes later you are up to your hips in water and sharks –

Fin decides he needs to rescue his daughter who is living with his ex-wife somewhere in Beverly Hills – being a surfing star must have paid well  - so fin, Nova, George and Taz pile into a car to head for Fin’s ex-wife  during this trip George who carried his bar stool with him to the SUV uses it to smash a car window to rescue a dog – and of course as always for doing this goodly  deed the laws of horror films requires that he be et by a shark and so he is. The rest look on horrified.  One must note that as the rest are looking on horrified you can see the sun glinting off the car’s chrome.  

Back in the car – they are in the car a lot which saves on exteriors I suppose – it’s back to raining again.  It’s car interior set with somebody running a hose on it I think. 

At least that is what it looks like.

We arrive at the house, as noted, a big ol house. The ex wife – played by Tara Reid who is apparently – I have no real link to the pop zeitgeist these days  - more famous for things other than acting. She’s also top billed if memory serves and that’s weird. Anyway she plays the standard annoyed that the ex has shown up in an emergency ex-wife, there is also a daughter who is also not happy to see Fin.

Unhappiest of all to see Fin is the Ex’s current squeeze who looks about 15-20 years  younger than the Ex. He is of course promptly et by  a shark. Another one who launches itself through a window.

There is more chaos and then they escape the house falls apart.

“easy come easy go.” Says Fin.  The ex who has just seen her house destroyed and her lover eaten doesn’t say anything. Best acting she does in the film.

And then because at this point sane people would be driving away from LA at high speed there is mention of the son who is at flight school.

“how come nobody tells me these things?” Fin moans echoing the moan of the people watching the film. 

I’m sorry a flight school is not going to have classes when a Category 5 hurricane is closing in on LA. 

Seriously.

But off they go – and then the sun is out bright sunny day .

“it’s the eye of the hurricane.” Someone says

No it’s not. It’s just a normal sunny day and you didn’t have enough money to CGI rain or clouds.

They rescue kids from a bus. Then the car breaks  down. They find a Hummer that has a nitrous oxide boost button.  It seems the writer was desperate to keep them in LA – because finally – The Sharknado approaches.

They arrive at the air school – they find son.  There is also an old age home right next to the air school. This is so they can do old jokes. I was beginning to actively dislike this film about now.

Son and Fin looking at the approaching Sharknados (three of them to be exact) decide it’s time to fight back – Son puts together and insane plan to fly the schools helicopter and toss bombs into the Sharknados  thereby causing them to disperse.

This is not how tornados work. Not one little bit.  If it did Tornado alley would be dotted with towers with explosives in them to be shot at tornados.

Meantime Taz – is rigging up the hummer with bombs just in case Fin’s son (and Nova who is now bonding  with Fins son after she gives her Quit story about why she hates sharks and why she has a scar on her leg – Sharks ate her grandfather) insane plan does not work.  However as the Sharknado approaches Taz is carried off by shark who in the midst of being blown about by massive winds decides it’s time to eat and fixes on Taz.

Meantime the insane plan has worked for two of the Sharknado (then the sharks rain down on the streets of LA  causing massive damage to landmarks) But not the third one – reaching for another bomb Nova loses her balance, falls out of the helicopter and is swallowed whole by a huge great white shark.

The son manages to get the helicopter to land – while Fin after getting the old folks to take shelter comes to get him – finds that nova is gone “she didn’t make it” is the sons line. And  now the last and biggest of the Sharknados is bearing down upon the old age home. With this Fin drives the Hummer- sets the timers on the bomb – bails out of the car while pushing the nitro boost button – which causes it to ride into the Sharknado where it is pulled up into the middle of the funnel cloud and then boom – no more Sharknado .

Fin returns to the old age home – son and daughter and ex wife come to greet him. Daughter who has been pretty useless is suddenly in the path of a falling great white – Fin Chainsaw in hand – pushes the daughter out of the way and leaps at the Shark who swallows him whole.

Family grief stricken gathers around  body of shark. Soon however the muffled sound of a chainsaw is heard. Can it be? Yes Fin carves his way out of the shark – then reaches back in and pulls the still alive Nova out of the beast.  Yes it was the same shark.

The sun is out –the ex wife give Fin about the most unimpressive kiss on the lips –well the actor is covered in goo. Meantime Nova and son look to get busy once Nova gets a shower and Daughter is still a waste of space.

“Heck of day” Fin says.

Ugh.

Still the song over the credits “Sharknado “ is pretty cool in a Groovy Goulies pop punk manner.

Enjoy with vegetables.  I’d say sea food but really that’s a bit much even for me.