Small Rant and how to speak football (Soccer)

Well in the mist of well every damn thing seeming to fall apart – And the response of just about every power structure to these problems has been, well fixing it is just soo hard. So I’m going to leave off political commentary for a bit (a chorus of hurrahs come from the back) which really is too heavy for a band blog devoted to signing songs about yippy dogs, weird unnatural sex, and mental problems so, I’m going to talk soccer.

The World Cup has started and honestly the scale of coverage is breathtaking – we can’t get a shot of the Louisiana coast line because somehow that will interfere with BP’s cover up, sorry cleanup efforts (I am trying to stop but there is so much evil bull shit it’s hard) but we’ll get to see every bead of sweat from South Africa in high def.

Anyway – the first thing you’ll notice is that most of the announcers ESPN/ABC are using are not from around these parts and that there are some very specific jargon and catch phrases that these folks should really explain but in the heat of the moment don’t so for everybody watching and wondering what the hell they are talking about (in addition to why they hell they don’t score much) here are few of the soccer terms you’ll hear between now and July 11th.

The pitch: The playing field. Example: “The pitch is muddy” i.e. the field is muddy. Frankly I think if horses could talk they would spend less time talking about grass them some soccer commentators.

Training: “he was in impressive in training” practice, drills, endurance training what not.

Pace: Speed – as in “he has pace” i.e. he’s fast. Someone who has pace is a fast runner when he’s got the ball or not.

Top Form: Playing well “He’s in top form” means He’s playing very well today.
Foul: Kicking the other player, pulling their shirts, punching them in the gut, knocking them down and the like are not well liked in soccer but are done anyway – when the ref does see what goes on – not easy as there is only one ref but anyway when this happens the ref can either stop the game and give the side a free kick or

Playing advantage: if there’s a foul but the side that has been fouled still have the ball the ref can decide to let play go on rather than stop play.

Yellow card: a bad foul can result in a player ‘being shown a yellow card” where the ref actually shows the player a Yellow card, this puts the player on notice that one more bad foul and he’ll get

Red card: a very bad foul (say a deliberate attempt to injure or say gabbing the ball with your hands to prevent the other side from scoring) or getting shown a second Yellow Card means you’re are kicked out of the game and your side has to play a man down for the rest of the game.

Cynical Foul: sometimes fouls are just a result of hard play but sometimes it’s just the guy being a prick. That’s called a cynical foul.

Back Pass: A rule that is for soccer fairly recent – if a player kicks the ball back to the Goalie he can’t pick it up. Doesn’t happen much but just in case you were wondering why the goalie isn’t picking up the ball that’s why.

Penalty area – 1) where the goalie is allowed to use his hands. 2) where if a defender with the ball is fouled the player is awarded penalty shot.

The spot: “The ref is pointing to the spot” Where the ball is a placed for a penalty shot.

A Penalty – the ball is placed on a spot in the penalty area and a player tries to shoot it past the goal – due to its drama is used in a lot of soccer themed commercials. If this world cup follows the trend of the recent ones, the last few games will be decided by Penalties, where if by the end of game it’s tied, each side gets five chances to shoot at the other goal and whoever scores the most wins. IF they are still tied after five penalties they’ll just keep shooting until one side wins. A cynic might suggest that they just have the damn penalties in the first place and not waste two hours getting there but that’s not fair (most of the time).

Ambitious “That was a rather ambitious shot.” A shot, from distance that has a poor chance of going in.

Distance – far away from the goal. “A shot at distance”

Diving – for all the intense physical pushing shoving and banging about in the games, soccer players will also go down like mayflies at the least touch from the defender and clutch their shin (there are shin guards but they must not work) this happens a lot especially in the penalty area, it got more than a bit much in the 2008world cup to the point were now you can get a yellow card for ‘diving’ i.e. dropping down like you’re shot when a defender looks at you.

Linesmen – two officials, one on each side line – they hold flags and run up and down the field keeping level with the defender nearest his goalie and from time to time stop play cold by raising the flag.

Offsides: Nobody really knows the offsides rule. They all talk but nobody really has clear answer. It’s like a balk in baseball or better yet the infield fly rule; the refs call it, announcers speak knowingly, fans nod or curse but nobody really knows what the hell is going on. As I understand it – when an offensive player kicks or heads the ball the offensive player either closest to the other side’s goal or the one who gets the ball has to have two defensive players between him and the goal (typically a defender and goalie) when the ball is played, if he can manage to sprint in front of the defenders that’s fine but at the moment of kicking he’s got to have those folks between him and the goal. I’m not sure why they have this rule something I suppose it’s to prevent cheap goals or having teams have to keep 8 people on defense at all times but offside calls are the most contentious part of the game. I’ve seen calls made on players who were miles away from the play and I’ve seen it not called on players who were practically camping out at the goal mouth. There were will be at least three hotly disputed offside calls that change games in this world cup if things keep as they have been.

Woodwork – the goals used to be made of wood so if the ball bangs off the frame they say “off the wood work”

Caps : in the early days of international soccer each player was presented a cap before each game played – in time it became how to count the number of international games played “Player X has 17 caps” – probably cheaper too.

English Premier League: The top league in England – there are a bewildering number of soccer leagues in England and all counties where soccer is a major sport – sort of Major and Minor leagues except the minor leagues are all independent teams. A unique feature of most national soccer organizations is that teams can go up or down leagues depending on their results. While I like it, if applied to American Baseball the Mets would be in AA right now. Amway the Premier or the Prem as it’s also called is the British version.

Seria A: Italy’s top league – notable for a rule that says fans can’t bring flares to the games. I mean things have to be pretty bad when you have specifically banned an activity that a chimp with brain damage would know is crazy.

La Liga: Spain’s top league – a lot of super stars play in Spain – hell the weather’s nice and teams have a lot of money so there they are.
The Bundesliga: Germany’s professional leagues.

Stretched: “this game in getting stretched now.” The game is starting to flow very quickly between both sides, with less tight defending.

The Wall: When one side is awarded a direct free kick (i.e. they can shoot it into to the goal from where the ball is place) and it’s close enough to be dangerous. The defending side will have players line up in a wall – i.e. guys stand side by side (at least 10 yards or meters away) to block the shot. Typically they will put both hands over their balls when the shot is taken because soccer balls can sting. It’s rather funny looking.

Full time: the game is over.

Injury time: Soccer does not have time outs (even for fan riots) but if the game does stop because a player is hurt, the ref will tack on some extra time at the end of each half anywhere from 1 to 3 minutes – more depending.

Brighter “Their play is brighter now.” Team is playing with more drive, energy.
Tails up: “The team is playing with their tails up” playing with more confidence, usually happens after scoring a goal

Sent off: once you’re shown a red card you leave the game.

Knock: hurt . “looks like he’s got a knock”

Own goal – when a player manages to kick or head the ball into his own sides net. Happens more often than you’d think.

At the death – last minute or so of the game. “He scores at the death.”

And oh yes that’s Alan Shearer of Newcastle United.

Later.
Missed a couple sorry.

Boots: What we call cleats here in the U.S.

Studs - the business end of the cleats - as in "he came in studs up on that challange" it's a bad thing.