The Bob Muir and The Enemy Below Podcast

The Bob Muir and The Enemy Below Podcast

The Bob Muir and The Enemy Below Podcast

The Bob Muir and The Enemy Below Podcast

The Return of the Ghost of the Son of the 31 Days of Cheese - Day 31 - The Sinister Urge

Ed Wood of course.

There are some sad ironies in this film – among which  it was Ed’s Last legitimate film before he started writing and directing Porn – and this film is about the evil effects of pornography.

And this being an Ed Wood film well  it’s kinda weird.

We start off with a woman running in a park wearing a bar and slip – the credits roll – she manages to get to a pay phone and then starts screaming “operator! Operator!” in a voice that drills right through your head.  Amazingly enough it’s not the most annoying voice in the film. She is then killed by Dirk – we don’t know his name yet but we will so bear with me.  Honestly I’m sorry the poor girl is dead but at least she’s quiet now.

Cut to the police. The murder is reported – Lt. Carson and Sgt. Stone – who were in a lot of Ed’s films go out to the park – the look at the girl – and note this is not the first time they have seen a girl cut up in the park – and Carson mutters that he’ll bet this is linked to the smut racket.

Cut to the smut racket.

Old dude with an accent with a camera – geeky guys holding lights three women on a bed – yep it’s a porn shoot – except well the women are all in what look like bikinis or very modest underwear and aren’t’ moving.  Then they take a break and in a typically inexplicable Ed Wood moment  one of the women walks over to a chair and sits down. Standing next to the chair is a woman wearing nothing but a towel. Who she is is never explained.  The break over the woman in her underwear rises – rather ponderously from the chair – and walks back to the bed. Woman in the towel says nothing and does not move.  When she goes a rather sinister looking man wearing only pants sits down in the same chair and leers at the woman in the towel.  I have no idea what is going on.

All that’s missing is Bella Lugosi yelling pull the string.

Enter Johnny Ride –  he’s one of the mainstays of the smut racket – he wants old dude with accent to pack up all the material they have in the store room and move it somewhere else – in the old days before the internet smut was either on paper or film. Took up a lot of space it did.

Well as you’d expect there is a raid – still what they were being busted for is a little hard to tell as nobody was naked or even close to naked. But there is yell and shouting and all that and then the cops put pressure on the old dude with the accent who spills the beans on the storage closet.  We cut to a stock shot of film canisters.  Yep It’s and Ed Wood Film.

Back at police hq – the chief reads the riot act to our two detectives saying  with clear anger “Smut, Rotten Smut.”  It’s not exactly clear if he’s objecting to the smut or complaining about its quality.

We are then treated to a public citizen wandering in complaining about his taxes and then wondering why the police are wasting their time chasing after dirty pictures. Lt. Carson delivers a fairly deranged response linking smut to every other crime murder, arson, robber et all averting that if a crime has been committed  ‘there’s a picture somewhere.’ He calls it worse than dope – the man his eyes opened I guess slinks away defeated.  Or just decides to move to another town where the cops aren’t as high strung and batshit insane.

Next we meet Gloria the head of the racket. She has several noticeable characteristics one she wears very odd outfits – a different one almost every scene it’s like when the stole the octopus for Bride of the Monster Ed’s boys also ran amok in a wardrobe as well. Anyway they are weird looking as only late 50’s early 60’s women’s clothing can look – one skirt has so many ruffles and things that all you hear when she walks is the loud rustle of fabric. Very loud. As in you can’t hear her talk.

Which is the other noticeable thing about her. Her voice, is as the saying goes like a sharp stick in the eye, it’s very staccato and VERY grating.

Johnny lets her know a) that Dirk has taken care of the woman killed at the start of the film. She apparently was trying to get in on Gloria’s action.  Johnny is a bit worried about Dirk who when he sees porn gets out of control and wants to kill.  Gloria brushes him off, then we go into a bit of how do we use the stock footage we have mode – which sets up the scene where Mr. Wood himself plays one side of a well who knows anyway there is  long fight the cops are called and the town’s pizza place is shut down.

Violence is also committed against the owner of a ice cream shop by four women – because he wasn’t paying them for the smut he was selling. This is a tough town.

We then join Dirk in the Park where he meets a lady of uncertain virtue, then as things get out of hand – she tries to escape but is killed by Dirk, but not before she is topples for a moment.  It’s weird none of the filming porno scenes feature any nudity but this scene does.

The killing is also never mentioned again.

Back at the station the two detectives talk about how at this moment a young Mary Sue (or something ) with stars in her eyes will end up in the snares of the smut racket.  There is one amusing moment here when she meets Johnny Ryde at his office the film posters on his wall are of old Ed Wood films.  He explains he doesn’t make those kind of pictures.

This we then see her downfall– almost in real damn time until at the end – the hopelessly compromised the young woman wears a floor length night gown While being filmed with the wind machine going.

Huh? What?

Then the guy with the mustache and no shirt pulls the gown off and we see her shadow.

Hot? Not so much.

However Mary does have another part to play. Dirk breaks into Gloria’s house, finds pictures of Mary and starts well cooing them then opening his knife. It’s a boy scout pocket knife.  Really.  Blades about two inches long. You have to be very  very good to do any harm with that.

But Dirk Manages – he finds Mary feeding the ducks at the park – you ‘d think there would be at least a few folks  warning women to stay away from the park but no – Mary ends up face down in the water with the ducks swimming about.

 But Dirk has gone too far – the syndicate – or two guys order Gloria to take care of Dirk. Johnny has a rather rube Goldberg plan to put Dirk in one of Gloria’s ‘old cars’ – to explain the use of stock footage – where the breaks have been tampered with –then there is a  kerfuffle with Dirk trying to attack a guy dressed in women’s clothing. Not Ed Wood by the way. Funny you’d think. Well never mind. Johnny rescues him and puts him in the car.

Dirk survives the attack and back at Gloria’s tries to kill Johnny – and announces he wants to be top dog – given his impulse control problems well I’m not sure it’s a good fit. Johnny talking very fast tires to fob Dirk off with it was Gloria’s idea that he get killed and then when Gloria comes in – in maybe the silliest outfit yet – it’s a very tight sheath looking dress until just above the knees where it becomes a very flouncy skirt.  Just so odd.

Anyway Johnny tries to get Gloria to set up a meeting with him and the syndicate – Gloria says fine then goes to change – I can’t image why.  Dirk hiding in the darkness is unimpressed with Johnny ‘s explanations and drags him off to kill him off screen – When Gloria comes out of the bed room she calls out to Johnny but Dirk is the one answering and who Gloria promptly shoots. It’s dark so she doesn’t know.

She then calmly calls the police thinking she’ll pin Johnny’s murder on Dirk.  This doesn’t happen as the police show her who she shot – she was also stupid enough not to ditch the gun.

The film ends with Carmon Saying ‘pornography a nasty name for a dirty business’ which is why we call it Porn these days. It sounds so much friendlier.

It’s not Ed Wood’s wildest film – that remains Plan Nine but it does have the strange poetry in the dialogue this time in a gangster picture and the awkward pauses and the general oddness that Ed brought to everything he did. 

Enjoy with Ice cream and Pizza – maybe not in that order.

Thanks for reading these.  Those who did.   And I hope to back again next year with more cheese.

And so, in the Words of the late Lux Interior of the Cramps - "Stay Sick."

Return of the Ghost of the Son of the 31 Days of Cheese - Day 30 - Sharkndao

The cheese movie event of 2013 had to be Sharknado – even before it was broadcast (I’m breaking a bit of my own rules here but never mind) it was a phenomena. 

And it’s bad.

Really bad.

Almost Ed Wood level bad.

I suppose the film came out of the problem that faces all people wanting to make something in the water is going to eat you movies face – how do you get people in the water – at least after it become obvious that bad things happen to anybody in the water.

Well Sharknado tries to solve this problem by a) flooding the land so LA is full of sharks and b) the aforementioned Sharknado – Waterspouts really (which are tornados that form over the water) full of sharks as tornados can pull all sorts of things into the air.

“Debris!” – Quote from Tornado (which actually had better CGI than this film).

And I guess somebody thought okay a tornado full of sharks and thus Sharknado came into being.

The film starts with a odd face off on the high seas over the price of shark fin (for  the making of shark fin soup duh) followed by a storm and a gun battle in the middle of the storm which we are told is near a pod of 23,000 (give or take) sharks – some of which eat the folks on the boat which is itself drawn up into…

The Sharknado.

After credits we meet the male lead – Fin Sheppard, older famous surfer dude with his Tasmanian friend on the beach – then there is a shark attack which eats a young woman and then takes a bite out of the Taz dude (among others).

None of this is handled very well and It’s painfully obvious that the male lead is standing  on a board on dry land and not too well to tell the truth.  Balance seems a problem.

Later we’re back in the bar owned by Fin – we meet Nova who is cute in bikini, has scars that she doesn’t want to talk about and has kind of goo goo eyes for Fin.  There is also George, the bar’s Norm who when not drinking himself into oblivion (a good choice considering this film) is making leering comments about Nova.

There talk of sharks – and a hurricane – and Fin decides it’s time to close the bar down and batten the hatches and get ready for landfall –

In an Ed Wood moment we cut to an outside shot – it’s a beautiful day at the beach.

Really sunny – light breeze the kind of day that makes you glad to be alive.

We cut back to the bar – and a few moments later a shark smashes its way into the bar through the window.

A word about the sharks in this movie. Sharktopus at least recognized that sharks don’t attack every moving object around them – this movie however has sharks being tossed out of water or being carried along a flood or the Sharknado still chomping away at people. This would be like someone who is drowning in a whirlpool eating a sandwich – the only explanation is these are Zombie sharks already dead so their only motivation is to eat the flesh of the living – thank you. I’ll take a percentage of the gross if you don’t mind.

Anyway chaos ensues – and by the way hurricanes don’t sneak up on people – you have hours if not days to get ready for impact  - it’s not The news says a Hurricane is on the way and then 5 minutes later you are up to your hips in water and sharks –

Fin decides he needs to rescue his daughter who is living with his ex-wife somewhere in Beverly Hills – being a surfing star must have paid well  - so fin, Nova, George and Taz pile into a car to head for Fin’s ex-wife  during this trip George who carried his bar stool with him to the SUV uses it to smash a car window to rescue a dog – and of course as always for doing this goodly  deed the laws of horror films requires that he be et by a shark and so he is. The rest look on horrified.  One must note that as the rest are looking on horrified you can see the sun glinting off the car’s chrome.  

Back in the car – they are in the car a lot which saves on exteriors I suppose – it’s back to raining again.  It’s car interior set with somebody running a hose on it I think. 

At least that is what it looks like.

We arrive at the house, as noted, a big ol house. The ex wife – played by Tara Reid who is apparently – I have no real link to the pop zeitgeist these days  - more famous for things other than acting. She’s also top billed if memory serves and that’s weird. Anyway she plays the standard annoyed that the ex has shown up in an emergency ex-wife, there is also a daughter who is also not happy to see Fin.

Unhappiest of all to see Fin is the Ex’s current squeeze who looks about 15-20 years  younger than the Ex. He is of course promptly et by  a shark. Another one who launches itself through a window.

There is more chaos and then they escape the house falls apart.

“easy come easy go.” Says Fin.  The ex who has just seen her house destroyed and her lover eaten doesn’t say anything. Best acting she does in the film.

And then because at this point sane people would be driving away from LA at high speed there is mention of the son who is at flight school.

“how come nobody tells me these things?” Fin moans echoing the moan of the people watching the film. 

I’m sorry a flight school is not going to have classes when a Category 5 hurricane is closing in on LA. 

Seriously.

But off they go – and then the sun is out bright sunny day .

“it’s the eye of the hurricane.” Someone says

No it’s not. It’s just a normal sunny day and you didn’t have enough money to CGI rain or clouds.

They rescue kids from a bus. Then the car breaks  down. They find a Hummer that has a nitrous oxide boost button.  It seems the writer was desperate to keep them in LA – because finally – The Sharknado approaches.

They arrive at the air school – they find son.  There is also an old age home right next to the air school. This is so they can do old jokes. I was beginning to actively dislike this film about now.

Son and Fin looking at the approaching Sharknados (three of them to be exact) decide it’s time to fight back – Son puts together and insane plan to fly the schools helicopter and toss bombs into the Sharknados  thereby causing them to disperse.

This is not how tornados work. Not one little bit.  If it did Tornado alley would be dotted with towers with explosives in them to be shot at tornados.

Meantime Taz – is rigging up the hummer with bombs just in case Fin’s son (and Nova who is now bonding  with Fins son after she gives her Quit story about why she hates sharks and why she has a scar on her leg – Sharks ate her grandfather) insane plan does not work.  However as the Sharknado approaches Taz is carried off by shark who in the midst of being blown about by massive winds decides it’s time to eat and fixes on Taz.

Meantime the insane plan has worked for two of the Sharknado (then the sharks rain down on the streets of LA  causing massive damage to landmarks) But not the third one – reaching for another bomb Nova loses her balance, falls out of the helicopter and is swallowed whole by a huge great white shark.

The son manages to get the helicopter to land – while Fin after getting the old folks to take shelter comes to get him – finds that nova is gone “she didn’t make it” is the sons line. And  now the last and biggest of the Sharknados is bearing down upon the old age home. With this Fin drives the Hummer- sets the timers on the bomb – bails out of the car while pushing the nitro boost button – which causes it to ride into the Sharknado where it is pulled up into the middle of the funnel cloud and then boom – no more Sharknado .

Fin returns to the old age home – son and daughter and ex wife come to greet him. Daughter who has been pretty useless is suddenly in the path of a falling great white – Fin Chainsaw in hand – pushes the daughter out of the way and leaps at the Shark who swallows him whole.

Family grief stricken gathers around  body of shark. Soon however the muffled sound of a chainsaw is heard. Can it be? Yes Fin carves his way out of the shark – then reaches back in and pulls the still alive Nova out of the beast.  Yes it was the same shark.

The sun is out –the ex wife give Fin about the most unimpressive kiss on the lips –well the actor is covered in goo. Meantime Nova and son look to get busy once Nova gets a shower and Daughter is still a waste of space.

“Heck of day” Fin says.

Ugh.

Still the song over the credits “Sharknado “ is pretty cool in a Groovy Goulies pop punk manner.

Enjoy with vegetables.  I’d say sea food but really that’s a bit much even for me.

The Return of the Ghost of the Son of the 31 Days of Cheese - Day 29 - Gymkata!

Ah Gymkata – the movie that combines gymnastics and Karate in the person of Kurt Thomas – this was his film debut and first and only starring role. He plays Jonathan Cabot – Olympic Champion Gymnast who will trained for a very special mission – he will go into the small country of Parmistain – which yes sounds like a type of Sandwich – which is somewhere in the mountains of a place in Asia – the Hindu Kush or Himalayas or somewhere movie’s a bit vague about where it is and it’s not that important as it doesn’t exist.

In any event Parmistan is apparently a perfect place for the placement of a US Star Wars Defense base – this was done in the 80’s when the dream of a space based defense system – Star Wars – which was a gleam in the defense establishment’s eye back then – and to date has cost Billions without really solving the problem of hitting a little tiny fast moving thing in something as big as outer space in minutes – but never mind – the plot is set in motion. Thomas will train to compete in the Game – the national game of Parmistain – and it ain’t bean bag – mostly one runs around and climbs while people dressed as Ninjas shoot arrows at you or otherwise try to kill you. And why does our hero – who looks 17 most of the time, dresses in loud colors  and whines do this?  – so that if wins the game the rules state he can ask the leader of the country for anything he wants in this case it would be a star wars base.

To let you know how deadly the game one of the earlier shots is of a competitor in the game getting shot with an arrow while trying to cross a ravine on a rope – one hates when that happens. He is shot by the man who turns out to be the heavy of the film – surprise. And the man who was shot turns out to be KT’s father (in the movie not in real life)

Actually for a hero KT’s  kind of unpleasant really – he’s got good moves on the gym equipment however. Which explains why he got the job. But he’s not a screen presence. He always looks like he’s wondering when Cindy is coming to the malt shop. And he whines a lot for a hero.

At any rate he is off for a training montage – here he meets the princess of Parmistan – who we later find out looks nothing like her father – this is explained by the film saying her mother was Indonesian – which makes her ‘interesting’ Thomas of course has the hots for her.

Anyway part of the training consists of him walking several flights of stairs on his hands – we get to see this a lot as he fails again and again and final makes it – we also get to see so much more of  him than one really wants to as the camera is positioned directly overhead so well let’s just say not a lot is left to the imagination.

Other training consists of his mind getting messed with the princess – as in getting flipped, or threatened with a knife or such. He eventually wins her heart with back flips.  Don’t believe me, watch the movie.

Training completed and the princess banged, the party stops at a way station before going on to Parmistan. The only reason I can see why this was done was so that the princess could get captured by the evil Parminstaiaians (say that fast we dare you) and that Thomas could have his first fight scene utilizing a conveniently placed piece of gymnastic equipment – in this case the horizontal bar – he sweeps and kicks and all that – he’s obviously a good gymnast why anybody thought that would translate into action hero well that’s not for me to say. Let’s say it was the 80’s drugs may have been involved.

After the Princess has been rescued and the bad guys killed – it’s off to Parmistain – and after a struggle with the rapids and Ninja’s KT and the Princess are brought to the capital of Parmistain where KT meets the Khan who looks and sounds a lot like Mel Brooks doing a bit from one of this films.  Here we meet the evil Zamir as well – last seen popping an arrow into KT’s dad – we don’t know it’s KT’s dad yet but hell it’s really not a major plot point.

Along with KT and Zamir, athletes from all over the world gather to play ‘the game’ when the game is played (is it a regular schedule like the Olympics or random) is a mystery as is what the other folks are here for – mostly arrow fodder but let that go – and are feasted the night before one of the new players is the secondary heavy named Thorg who wears a head band and what seems like a lot of padding.

Then the game starts – what happens is that the players are given a head start and then the pursuit team of what look like Ninjas led by Zamir follow after and kill anyone who they catch – there is some sort of zone restrictions but it’s not important, what is important is that folks are getting brutally killed.

KT and the rest are going along but suddenly Thorg stops to kill one of the other competitors and then tries to do the same with KT but eludes him and Thorg gets’ an arrow in his chest for this pains. Unlike seemingly every other time  this arrow does not kill Thorg but it slows him down a bit.

In his escape from Thorg KT ends up in the village of the crazies – which is peopled by insane killers – and for some reason it’s the largest town in Parmistan (life must be rather stressful). At this point KT walks on pigs Thorg tries to follow but fails and is pitch forked and eaten by pigs.

And now have the second using gymnastic equipment as a set piece fight of the film, the famous pommel horse sequence where for something  like 3 days KT holds off the crazies via using gymnastic moves on the pommel horse which was in the center of town – well they are crazies so maybe the lack of sense makes sense.

When all seems lost KT is rescued by his father the man we had last seen plummeting to his apparent death earlier in the film – but soon after is hit by another arrow.

Meantime it seems that Zamir seeks to overthrow Mel Brooks , sorry the ruler and establish a government ‘friendly to the east’ dudes I’m not really too hip on the old soviet union but they weren’t much for propping up medieval style kingdoms, peoples’ republics were more their style – well anyway all that is thwarted and Zamir is liked by KT’s thighs and who knows maybe he wanted it that way.

Silly silly silly movie.

Enjoy with Friends and hummus of various flavors.