The Revenge of the 31 Days of Cheese - Day 8 - Robo Vampire

Every now and then I like to watch a movie that makes me go huh. As in Huh? What the hell was that about? Huh? What is this all about. It’s like taking a stiff brush to my brain get the dust out of the folds as it where. That’s what 1993’s Robo Vampire did to me.

This is a Hong Kong film which aren’t always know for their clear plotlines – as that would get in the way of the shooting or Kung fu – of which this movie has both. Along with a really really bad looking robot, Chinese vampires and assorted thugs with guns.

The plot has something to do with drugs. That’s about all I can tell you. I’ve watched the film twice and that’s about all I can tell you.

As best I put it together a drug agent is killed by the Chinese vampires who are being used to smuggle drugs who is then made into fakest looking cyborg in the history of movie robots. I mean really just because you spray paint something sliver doesn’t mean it will look like it’s made of metal. Really.

There is another bit where some sort of drug agent (female in this case) is captured by the bad drug lords and a crack team (as in good not on crack which I suspect when into the writing of this) of mercenaries are sent to rescue her. I suppose the government (and which government it is isn’t stated) swat teams were busy.

This part has completely different actors and looks different like it was filmed at some other date. I get the sense the producer or the director had tow half finished films in the can and just spliced them together and just hoped for the best. It’s just a mess and trying to follow it makes you head hurt.

Still there are the Chinese vampires – which apparently hold their arms out in front of them and move by hopping. Yes feet together hopping. I’ve seen other Hong Kong films using this so this is some sort of convention. How hopping is meant to be frightening is a bit beyond me. Several times they circle around the fake Robocop and well hop.

The head vampire has a very fake gorilla mask on his face and has a ghost as a girlfriend – they try to make this somehow tragic but, like everything else with this film it makes no sense. And there is some wizard or something who controls them and fights Robocop – again don’t try to have it make sense.

Actually this would be a wonderful insane hoot to watch if the director had cut the scene where the crack mercenary troop come upon a village that has been massacred by the drug lords – bodies are everywhere and men and women have been tied to upside down crosses – it’s a gruesome and disturbing scene and just horribly out of place given the over the top goofiness of the rest of the film.

The film doesn’t’ really end so much as stop. I assume the bad guys have been beaten but well it’s so confused and dark it’s hard to tell.

Enjoy – if that’s the word – with Chinese takeout.