The Revenge of the 31 Days of Cheese - Day 29 - Troll 2

Ye Gods what an awful film. Mind numbingly bad awful and just well bad to the bloody bone is this picture. It’s one of the rare moments in film where NOTHING is done right.

The story of how this 1990 film got made is almost as weird as the film itself – the director and his wife put together a screen play for an English language film – however neither of them spoke English very well if at all – somehow and I have no idea how they got the money to bring an Italian film crew to Utah to film this- they grabbed some people most of whom had never acted in films before (indeed one of them was a patient at a mental hospital at the time this was a sort of work release deal for him) and started shooting – and the resultant train wreck is the stuff of movie legend. Horrific movie legend but legend none the less.

The – plot – sorry kept trying to think of another word but it doesn’t come to me – concerns the family Waits – Dad, Mom, Holly, and young Joshua go on a vacation where they switch houses with a family who lives in the town of Nilbog (Goblin spelled backwards) which is as one would assume given the name of the town – filled with goblins – in fact the towns folks are Goblins in disguise!

The family is fairly hateful – Mom and Dad are idiots – Dad is an angry idiot – Holly is a sort of mean girl the older sister who is having problems with her boyfriend who is an idiot ( I keep using that word – it fits) who seems to be happier to hang with his buds than be with her. The movie needs cannon fodder, boyfriend and buds supply that.

And then there is Joshua – Joshua is an unpleasant child, he has a very whiney voice, is always sweating and just grates on you – several writers have noted he looks like he’s constipated the whole picture and that fits. He also talks to his dead grandfather – something that causes the family some grief.

We first see the dead grandfather he is scaring the bejesus out of Joshua by telling him a story about goblins who turn people into plants and then eat them (yes this is odd, we’ll get to why in a moment) at first we don’t know he’s dead and we wonder why the hell is he terrifying the child like this – later we find out he’s dead and only Joshua can see him – the afterlife has a lot of rules that we don’t know about I guess – this kind of sucks for Joshua because grandpa keeps putting him in bad situations.

Speaking of which when they arrive in the creepy half abandoned town , followed by boyfriend and buds in a Winnebago looking thing – one of the evil towns folk – Creedence the lady druid serves them all sorts of green food – which per the warning of the dead grandfather to Josh will turn them into plants and food for the goblins. Gramps has stopped time to tell him but He, Josh, has to stop them from eating somehow.

Now no doubt you’ve noticed that for a movie called Troll 2 there have been very few mentions of trolls. That is because there are not trolls As a marketing device the film, original entitled something like Goblins – surprise that is – was named Troll 2 to link it with a marginally successful film Troll by the same company. Hence Troll 2 with no trolls.

So back Josh – who, in one of the films infamous scenes, unable to think of any other way to stop them from chowing down on this awful looking stuff, pees on the food. WE don’t see that – thank god for small mercies - the idea is bad enough.

The family and the boys discover that the only thing to eat in this town is some sort of green milk – which soon turns one of the boys into a plant and as he changes he notices the goblins chowing down and in about the worst bit of acting by a human being about to be eaten by Goblins after being turned into a plant starts saying “oh my god. Oh my god.” In a manner that has to be heard to be believed. The you tube clip of this has had over 4 million hits.

Let’s just take this moment to address the turning into plants thing – part of the underlying lunacy of this film is at the time the director’s wife was writing the screen play several people she knew had become vegetarians and for some reason this irked her no end – she felt they were being smug about it or some such so the goblin where intended to be a satire on vegetarians. No I don’t know how it was supposed to work it just didn’t - but it forms part of the weird undercurrents that float around this film – food seems rather disgusting – except for a bologna sandwich that towards the end of the film which repels goblins like garlic does vampires. It’s a strange and stupid movie.

And the other thing about the script – since it was written by folks who did not speak English the words come out a bit odd – the actors while they were filming tired to say ‘no Americans don’t talk like that’ but the director insisted.

The director by the way is a lunatic – what a surprise that is – apparently at a cast reunion question and answer period he crashed the party and had to be escorted out and continued to yell at them in the hallway. He is convinced he directed a masterpiece. Well he did but not in the way he thought.

Once the masks as it were of the Goblins are removed the film becomes a series of stand offs, captures, escapes and chases where in the end the goblins are defeated – not before one of the other cannon fodder fellows has been seduced by the druid lady using corn on the cob as a sex lure. He is then drowned in popcorn. This movie has issues with food.

And of course the goblin costumes are all stiff masks that look pretty damn fake.

There is a stinger ending that makes no real movie sense but makes sense considering how awful the rest of the film has been.

This is a truly bad film – with this underlying food phobia and nastiness towards vegetarians that just is just bloody weird.

Enjoy with veggies and ranch dip -

The Revenge of the 31 Days of Cheese - Day 28 - The Swarm

As the Oscar build up dissipates – and for the record anyone that was surprised that The Artist won best picture shouldn’t be – Hollywood loves movies about it self – they will keep remaking A Star is Born until the medium dies.

Anyway this film 1978’s The Swarm features an all star cast of someone Hollywood’s most famous and most honored actors, a lavish budget ($21 Million dollars), a story by the author of The Towering Inferno, thousands of bees, and absolutely totally and in all ways sucks.

And to top it off the version I watch was the – you’ll excuse the expression “Director’s Cut” which clocks in at about 2 ½ hours long. – the effect is like watching Manos back to back with Plan Nine from Outer Space after a while you lose the ability to fight about against the aggressive awfulness of the film and end up sitting like a lump on the couch while the movie keeps hitting you with sticks.

It’s earth vs. the Bees and by the end you’re cheering for the Bees.

The film opens with heavily armed army type guys in hazmat looking suits entering what appears to be a missile base - Richard Whitmark (as General Slater is following the action and is flying in on one of the two helicopters this movie shows – I suspect the film bought these helicopters because no matter what the situation we never see more than two helicopters ever. He is concerned that all communication between this base has been cut off.

The team discovers the reason that the base has broken off communication – everybody on the base is dead. Well almost – Michael Caine shows up. You know for most of these actors I’m just embarrassed or shocked that they ended up in such a horrible film. Not Michael Caine. He wasn’t in Hollywood one year to accept his best supporting Oscar for his role in Hannah and her sisters because he was filming Jaws 4 the Revenge. If you pay him, he will act.

Or in this case over act. A lot. I guess he was being paid a lot of money so he figured if he yelled a lot that would seem like he was really acting.

Anyway – it turns out the base was attacked by killer bees – Katharine Ross (nominated for best supporting Actress for The Graduate) shows up and says she and a few survivors hid away while the bees were doing their thing. Michael Caine – who it turns out is a world famous entomologist is given complete change of the efforts to control (read wipe off the face of the earth) the killer bees. And thus begins a series of arguments between Richard Whitmark (who I did feel rather sorry for here) and Michael Cain. Indeed their CONSTANT bickering is a constant in the film.

We cut to a small nearby town – and we are introduced to Olivia De Havilland, Ben Johnson and Fred McMurray. Seems both Fred and Ben have the hots for Olivia who is the head of the town’s school. The first scene shows Fred and Ben bickering about a sign for a flower show – foreshadowing bad things – bees flowers get it?

When I saw this film I was already losing the will to live and I was only about ½ hour in.

I realize that if I try to summarize this film – which has been done by far better writers on bad movies than I am, will only induce the reader that same waiting for oblivion feeling I had while watching it. so I’ll just touch on some highlights or low lights as it where.

One of the earliest victims of the bees outside the missile base are the parents of Young Paul – he is also stung and in one of the silliest aspects of a very silly movie all folks what get stung but survive start to hallucinate huge bees. Michael Caine talks Paul down saying “there is no Bee. Reach out and touch it there is not bee.” I was whishing there was not movie just then.

Later, Paul and two of his friends attempt to destroy the killer bee nest with Molotov cocktails but as we are nowhere near the end the picture – the bees are not destroyed and run or fly amok and attack the little town were Paul lives (along with Olivia and Ben and Fred) and hundreds are killed. Paul confesses to Michael Caine what he did and is patted on the head. Later Paul dies (seems that even if you survive the initial sting there is chance you end up dead – if the screen writer needs it) at this point – Katharine Ross – who’s actual connection to Paul is rather vague melts down demanding to know why god why this child – well for one thing he helped destroy the town and maybe it was better to take him out of the game before he grew up and did more damage?

I especially despise the whole middle aged love triangle between Olivia, Ben and Fred – and here’s why – aside from you having no idea of why this sub plot is here. (there are several sub plots in this film they aren’t interwoven so much as bump into each other like strangers wandering about in a dark room) none. Nada Zippo. Granted real life has all sorts of things going on that have nothing to do with each other but this is a film about killer bees so you kind of expect things to have something to do with that. But no.

Anyway just before the bee attack both Fred and Ben ask Olivia to marry them. she says she will tell them her answer after the school year. Then the bees come and kill half the town and then it is decided to evacuate the town – Ben, Fred and Olivia get on the train with the rest and then the train pulls out and shortly thereafter the train is attacked by killer bees and because the engineer of this train is the stupidest man in the world and left the windows of the engine open – the train crashes and everybody is killed – yep even Ben Fred and Olivia (who has an embarrassing stunt where she – most likely a stunt double – is hurled through the train window as the model train crashes down the mountain side just before Godzilla steps on it. sorry Wrong movie) what on earth was the bloody point of wasting our lives with this silly sub plot if all you’re going to do at the end is have the bees kill them ? really.

But that happens to Richard Chamberlain who has his own subplot where he and Michael Caine don’t get along (surprise I guess Whitmark and Caine yelling at each other was getting tiresome) but he is killed by bees at an atomic power plant that then blows up. Jose Farrar is also blown up in this scene he has really only a walk-on part.

Henry Fonda deserves much derision for his portrayal of an expert on toxins who attempts to discover an antidote to the bee venom. He plays the role in a wheel chair and one classic moment you see him in the wheel chair kick a door open. I suspect even with a 21 million dollar budget they didn’t have a lot of retakes. Later he injects himself with bee venom and tries out his antidote., it doesn’t work. He over acts, sees a huge bee and dies. Hank did you need the money that bad?

In the end the swarm descends upon Houston which the General(who is now in charge – and who didn’t see that coming) and he ends up setting fire to Houston. “will history blame me or the bees?” he asks looking out the window – alas since you were the one who borough the flame throwers to the party – I think the onus in on you. He is later killed by bees.

Another annoying point – everybody killed by the bees dies the same way – in slow motion flailing their arms about as Styrofoam pellets painted to look like bees are shot at them by air hoses. It’s as fake as you can imagine it looks.

Lots of bees were killed for this movie as well – thousands really – they had their stingers removed by workers so they wouldn’t sting the actors or anyone else – of course removing a stinger kills the bee so they must have had to do that a lot. Again I’m not a member of PETA but it just doesn’t sit right with me.

In the end Michael Caine discovers that a sound will attract all the bees – this is a standard trope in these kind of films – for example Beginning of the End the film about giant grasshoppers used the same idea. He sets up loudspeakers out in the gulf of Mexico and pours thousands of gallons of gas on the water – after the bees have been lured in to the middle of all this – the gas is set on fire and the bees are roasted. This seems a bit much coming after Michael Caine had spent the entire film – and I mean the entire film yelling about the environmental impact of pesticides. DDT no – millions of gallons of fuel burning okay?

Well any way the film ends the credits roll and just before the screen goes blank this message comes up

“The African killer bee portrayed in this film bears absolutely no

relationship to the industrious, hard-working, American honey bee to which

we are indebted for pollinating vital crops that feed our nation”

Damn Africans.

Enjoy with tea and honey – it will soothe your throat because you’ll no doubt hurt it yell at this stupid film.

Bob Muir and The Enemy Below Podcast 2-27-12

Bob Muir and The Enemy Below Podcast 2-27-12

The Revenge of the 31 Days of Cheese Day 27 - The Horror of Party Beach

A small personal reminisce – back in 1974 I was a callow youth and I didn’t quite know where my life would take me or what my true callings were – you know typical youth stuff. At the time there was a magazine printed on newsprint – called the monster times which I read from time to time. I would have read it on a regular basis but the corner stationery story that I went to didn’t always get it for that month or they sold out of the two copies they had ordered. I had the same problem there with comic books. The Lizard was about to feed Spiderman to the lizards and then the store didn’t have the next issue. It was maddening but it was the only store I knew about. There was no comic book store in my town back then.

Anyway the memory of issue 30 is special to me – February 1974 to be exact – as the entire issue was dedicated to the worst monster movies of all time – and one was cited for special comment – The Horror of Party Beach – which was called probably not only the worst monster movie ever made but also the worst beach party movie ever made. The article went into detail about the utter suckiness of this film and how awful it was.

And I remember after I’d finished reading the article for about the 4^th time – thinking. Man I have got to see this movie.

And many years later thanks to the invention of the DVD I did.

And oh god I should have remembered the saying – be careful what you want – you might get it.

It’s horrible – mind numbingly bad – and awful to boot.

We open with a scenes where Hank and Tina are driving to the beach and are being escorted/ harassed by a motor cycle gang – surf guitar plays – the car pulls into party beach – a drab looking place I’m told Connecticut on long island sound – I do prefer the ocean when I hit the beach.

Anyway Hank is angry at Tina because Tina won’t grow up and be boring like he is – he goes t the beach in long pants and looks a lot like James Francisisus (but isn’t) Tina the words that almost all female monster victims say (this film it awash in clichés as well) insists upon her independence and her desire to live her own life. This is exhibited by flirting with the head of the motor cycle gang while the band the Del Aires – play the zombie stomp (foreshadowing at its lumpiest). Hank goes to stare at the ocean where he meets Elaine – the good quiet blonde woman whose voice is dubbed – nobody else’s voice in the film is dubbed like this so one assumes the actors real voice was awful – you’ll dub someone using their own voice if they blow a line but to dub every single line implies a god awful original voice.

I digress – Elaine is the dutiful and respectful blonde who will be the female lead – as a side note she and Hank look like they are pushing 40 in this film which makes them look a bit old to be doing this beach thing.

Meantime as hank stares and Tina dances ( you’re my private dancer…sorry I’ll stop) out to sea a crewman of a boat filled with barrels marked “Radioactive waste” in big big letters asks “ is this the place? The captain says yes and over the side they go.

Upon reaching the bottom they instantly spring a lead and the radioactive sludge reacts with the sea and makes – well you have to call them monsters but dear god – you hate to.

The monsters are well pretty absurd looking – nobody and I mean nobody has been able to figure out exactly what they were going for when they designed the monster suit – but the beasts look like they have stuffed pickles or hot dogs into their mouths to the point where they can’t close their mouths.

Hank returns to the dancers to find Tina with the cycle gang leader there is a fight and unlike real life where hank would have been a bloody mess as all the gang would have joined in to stomp him, the fight is a draw. Hank glares at Tina who then runs in to the water – and climbs up on a rock where she is promptly killed by a monster.

So Dr. Gavin – Elaine’s father enters the fray – Hank works for him. He talks some gobbledygook to people while Elaine goes to Tina’s funeral – really the only person who feels the least bit bad seems to be Elaine – Hank never mentions Tina again.

Meantime the monsters are killing people and what is a rare event in monster movies the town authorities announce they are being attacked by monsters. However instead of say asking for the national guard to be sent in or anything sensible – everybody keeps going about their business – while the plucky news body keeps selling papers – all of which have the same story below the lead ” panic in New York, menagerie breaks loose.” Really nobody does a thing different as the monsters kill and kill again.

We also meet and we wish we didn’t Eulabelle Dr. Gavin’s black maid/house servant – to call her a stereotype is kind – her performance as she talks about “them Zombies creeping and peepein about “

is just painful – and considering how painful the rest of the film is that’s saying something.

Eulabelle does discover (by accident) how to kill the monsters – the metal sodium reacts with the creatures and reduces them to a pile of dust. Dr. Gavin, the Police, and Elaine all search the ponds and such in the area for signs of the beast while Hank takes a pretty leisurely drive considering the situation to New York for a shit load of sodium.

At the end Elaine finds the monsters but injures her leg and can’t escape as they close in on her but first Dr. Gavin and the Hank and police show up with sodium toward the monsters off.

At the end all is restored except for the dead folks – and the party starts up on the beach again which merely highlights the tragedy. The Monsters didn’t get them.

Awful film – just dreadful. Hard even to heckle really.

Enjoy with hot dogs on hot dog buns.

The Revenge of the 31 Days of Cheese - Day 26 - They Saved Hitler's Brain

Sometimes you see a title and you know everything you need to know about a movie. Like this one. Deep character development and introspection is simply not on the on the table here. Sadly neither is anything resembling an entertaining movie.

It seems that in 1963 or so a movie was released called “The Madmen of Mandoras” intended to be a b film in a double feature it ran about 63 minutes or so but it seems that it either wasn’t released or released sparingly. Some years later – the exact number of years is not clear – somebody added some 25-30 minutes of extra footage to get the running time up to 90 minutes so it could be sold to television – before the advent of the infomercial television was constantly demanding material any material that could be shown between commercials and horror/sci fi films did better in the late night slots than other films did sooo…so the extra footage was shot.

Since the original was in Black and white the extra footage was also shot in black and white. However there was no attempt made to match the hair styles fashions even the look of the original footage so we get people in what look like 70’s get ups and hair styles farting about on screen – one of them even says “that was a waste of an afternoon’ your lips to god’s ears my dear. And their actions have only a slight connection to the original storyline – the only thing that they did make sure was that the bad guys in both sections are driving a black or dark blue Lincoln Town car (obtaining that I think blew most of the budget).

Then all these extra characters are killed off about 20 minutes into the film and we meet a whole new set of folks (the ones from the original film) which to a viewer has to be confusing because well the only time I can remember anybody jumping from following the story of one character to someone else that worked was “Psycho” by Alfred Hitchcock – and these folks are no Hitchcock.

So we are jammed into the original film – which is all about a group of Nazis who want to conquer the world using something called G gas – of which some professor – who has two daughters one married to a CID agent (it’s never explained what the CID is I have to assume it’s an FBI kind of thing but well he’s not very effectual in the film anyway) and another daughter who’s kind of a proto hippy or late beat take your pick. They all end up on the island of Mandoras where they learn the horrible secret – that Hitler’s brain – they call him Mr. H in the film – is alive.

Actually they saved his head and bit of his shoulders – which made it easier for the actor – one Bill Freed in one of this two film roles – to sit there with the jar over his head and make faces and yell from time to time. We do seem him earlier in the film walking about as someone tells the story in flashback and honestly to me he looks like the guy playing Hitler in the cafeteria in Mel Brook’s Blazing Saddles - the one that says – “they lose me after the bunker scene.”

And it doesn’t really do much – it yells from time to time – makes faces and people talk to it but it doesn’t do much. Which bothered me.

You know I’m pretty easy going about things and if people want to make a film about Hitler’s head being in a Jar well they can go ahead and do it, it’s just as I was watching this train wreck – I kept wondering why the whole Hitler’s head deal? The entire film could have been done with the Nazis trying to take over the world with this G gas thing and turning this South American Island into a private kingdom without the Hitler head thing. It didn’t add anything to the story – hell we knew the Nazis were bad before the film started. It wasn’t even the main trust plot of the film the G gas thing was. So why do it? Restoring Hitler to life was the whole point behind the boys from brazil – really if you’re going to have Hitler in a film – his overwhelming evil requires he be something more than a hood ornament any movie he is in.

Anyway it all ends well with all the bad folks dead – although the G Gas thing seems to have been forgotten in the final fight – and people who are not drinking are preparing to have sanctioned martial intercourse.

Enjoy – ha – with sharp flavored cheese pickles and German beer – anything to cut the dull crude blandness of the film.