Son of the Revenge of the 31 Days of Cheese: Day 28 - Batman and Robin

Oh god what a horrible film.

Just amazing – watching it was like watching an attic full of junk break though the floor and fall to the ground in front of you. No rhyme no reason just the chaos of randomly falling objects making a lot of noise. It’s a very loud film.

On every level it fails.

Fails big time.

It all fails, the costumes the sets, the fights the stupid jokes Mr. Freeze makes all fail miserably

This 1997 film was an utter disaster at the box office and finished the franchise.

And it didn’t sell a lot of toys either.

Honestly I don’t know what the hell anybody on this film was trying to do – or why.

There are a lot of whys in this film.

Why put nipples on the batsuits? I mean what the hell was the point of that. If this is intended or was intended more for younger audiences – as the loud neon colors and having things like Robin Say cowabunga! He says this at one point as he surfs down the side of a building using the hatch from a rocket ship. Don’t ask please don’t ask, I’d have to explain it and  I think that would probably be enough to depresses me for weeks on end.

Anyway why nipples on the batsuits if this is supposed to be oriented towards kids?  Family friendly? Only if the whole family was on meth I guess.

I noticed that the Batgirl costume did not have nipples – keeping that pg rating I guess.

I’m almost speechless at the sheer scale of the failure here. The main plot point that Freeze is going to modify the Gotham observatory’s telescope to freeze all of Gotham makes very little sense – mostly because you don’t put observatories in the middle of cities – if you want to look at the stars you need to get away from cites which – for astronomers – just sources of light pollution. Growing up on long island as I did I never really got to see the milky way until I was out in the Poconos well away from the city lights. Anybody putting up a telescope in the middle of a major city is crazy or stupid.

Arnold Schwarzenegger over acts (of course) in the role of Mr. Freeze – someone apparently counted the times he said things like “chill out” or “Freeze” or “winter here” making some sort of stupid pun on Freezing. I guess it was to keep from breaking something – he just won’t shut up with the lame cold puns .

The story – if you want to call it that involves the various plans of Mr. freeze to do something and Poison Ivy played by Uma Thurman (and up until this point I thought her Emma Peel was the worst thing I saw her do) who can control men’s minds with her powders and kiss of death and a habit of talking like Mae West to do things to.

Rounding out the bad guys is Bane – who well just howls a lot and flexes and then has is pipes ripped out and ends up shrinking – no don’t ask please, I’ll have to explain and it’ll hurt.

Whatever.

The story also has to deal with Batman and Robin learning to trust each other to act like a team and this is handled with all the deft and skill of an after school special directed by Ed Wood.

I understand the director has apologized for this film (as well he should).

There is a further sub plot introducing bat girl – Alfred’s niece in the film – the comic she’s always been commissioner Gordon’s daughter but the thought the guy was to old – how about the commissioners’ niece?  Well I guess they couldn’t have the stupid Alfred is dying of a movie disease that Mr. Freeze just happens to know how to cure sub plot. Gag me please. Christ Godzilla never got this silly. Okay when he flew using the fire breath but that’s about it.

The opening fight sequence alone – with the hockey sticks and the large diamond on ice was pretty it much for me – I stopped taking notes fairly early on – as well why? What’s the point. It was like taking notes during the Hindenburg disaster – other than saying the whole damn thing is on fire what’s the point? How many times can you write down this is stupid without feeling utterly defeated.

Why the motorcycle race? Really why?

Why the Max Headroom version of Alfred when the bat girl to be breaks into the bat cave?

What one earth were these people thinking watching the dailies? Okay we need more fake ice here – and oh Uma love the mae west stuff. Arnold – where do you get all those ice quips.

I suppose the only really good thing about this film was it stopped the franchise dead and laid the ground work for the far superior Batman Begins which at least treated the material with some respect.

Enjoy with a salad and Frozen Fruit ices. But you won’t.

Son of the Revenge of the 31 Days of Cheese - Day 27 : Super Mario Brothers

God what an awful film.

I’m really tempted to just let that stand as not only was the viewing experience of this film painful remembering anything about it is painful as well.

It’s well known that Hollywood – or I should say the movie industry in general has never made a good film based on a video game – that Mortal Kombat is about the best of a sorry lot is saying something and oh yes anybody who in this day and age give Uwe Boll any money to make a film is either an idiot or as cynical as Boll (I can put any piece of junk up on screen and provided it has a game attached to it make money for the first two weeks).

Anyway – the world of the Mario Brothers games is that of bright primary colors and silliness really – again and again the story is that princess peach is captured and the brothers have to hop over mushrooms collect coins and other such antics to rescue her.

Okay – you have bob Hoskins as Mario – and John Leguizamo as Lugi – the Mario Brothers who are plumbers trying to make in the cut throat world of plumbing in new York,  they keep racing to the scene of a plumbing problem and keep getting beaten out by plumbers with a faster van.

The hell? Did any of the screen writers know a plumber? I live in New York and while there are some hazards to life and limb one of this is not plumbing vans driven at top speed with reckless disregard for traffic conditions and pedestrians.

Actually, in my experience, getting a plumber to your house is more like:

            “Hi, Super plumbers?”

            “Yes can I help you?”

            “Well yes the faucet in the kitchen has well sort of blown up and it’s spraying water all over the place – “

            “okay just turn the water off – the master should be under the sink and we’ll be there in about an hour.”

            About an hour of course being plumber speak for ‘sometime today”.

            Actually I’ve never really had a bad time with plumbers they are able to handle things like pipes and wrenches and water, all of which are a bit out of my league – I’m not as bad as my father who could probably figure a way out to electrocute himself with a candle but I know enough to stay far away from equipment involving running water.

And what does this have to do with the mushroom kingdom.

Nothing really.

Actually before we see the brothers in action there is a voice over that says in effect the dinosaurs were wiped out by a asteroid that hit the earth were Brooklyn now stands – but the force  of the explosion was so great that is created a separate pocket universe where the dinosaurs continued to live and evolve. But as s place to live it kind of sucks so they are trying to find a way to bridge the gap between universes to take over our world.

We’re not told this at the start of the film – this is what we’re told after a bit – I suspect that if we’d have been told this folks would have gotten up and walked out of the theater right then and there.

So there’s this kid dropped off at an orphanage – turns out to be the daughter of the king of the pocket universe – which when we see it is a grim awful place – Blade runner style dystopia with fungus about as well. There is a secret in the fungus as well. It’s sentient and there’s a reason for that.

Feel free to talk amongst yourselves and if anybody can figured out why in hell they decided to try and shoehorn Super Mario Brothers into this please speak up.

Seriously the whole tone of the film is just awful – it’s like they tried to merge Winnie the Pooh with the road warrior.

Rounding out the cast we have Dennis Hopper who plays the main heavy King Kopa – Hopper does sort of okay here – still it’s clear he is entering his will read out of the phone book with my strange inflection for money stage of his acting career.

As part of his plan Kopa will invade our earth and use his evolving-de-evolution ray to turn all humans into chimps – or something – he does it to about 3 people before he’s dragged back to the pocket universe to have his last confrontation with Mario and Luigi.

The film just seems to take the wrong turn with everything – the goombas – mushrooms in the game – huge dinosaur folks in coats with little teen tiny heads. Real nightmare fuel for kids – which amazing enough this movie was aimed at or at least the producers thought so – I think the director thought he was making Mario Bothers vs. Alien or some such.

There must have been quite a long silence at the end of the screen of the final cut for the head of the studio.

            “What do you think?”

            “I think we have a bomb on our hands.”

            “A Bob-omb?”

            “oh shut up”

            Speaking of Bob-omb – a bit from the game – the toss this in the movie and at the last moment you see on the bottom of the bomb’s shoes – Rebok. Dumbest product placement ever? You decide.

Did I mention that the king of the little pocket universe has been turned into the fungus that seems into every corner of the world? And that he’s cured in the end. Still in addition to the Blade Runner style grit and smoke – wet slimy fungus is everywhere. I think the set designer or dresser had an issue with fungus.

            Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo soon figured out what a turkey they were in and did the best they could – and drank heavily during the shoot – probably not on the set they are professionals but the second the whistle blew – down the hatch. I can understand Bob Hoskins said this was the worst film he ever made.

            This of course is neglecting the stereotype portrayal of people from Brooklyn as idiot goomba loudmouths with women with big hair whose voices can cut steel.

            Just an awful film. I’m sorry I saw it.

            Enjoy with really good Italian food – the movie’s going hurt so you might as well enjoy something.

Son of the Revenge of the 31 Days of Cheese - Day 26: Judge Dredd

Okay we’re moving into the pure pain territory here. Sylvester Stallone and comic relief is enough to make one gouge one’s eyes out – after having punctured both ear drums so you can’t ear either  - and pinball completes the scene – sorry this film is so bad that my brain is trying to divert my attention away from it. This. 1995’s Judge Dredd.

It’s about 100 years in the future – everything has gone to shit environment wise and humanity lives in huge walled of cites. It’s not clear if Mega City (formerly New York) is the only city on what is called the cursed earth or if they are others – it matters not to the film –  and of course civilization is breaking down and in order to impose at least a small amount of order on the chaos the Street Judges are  arresting office, judge jury and executioner all at the same time. Saves paper work I guess.

Sylvester Stallone plays Judge Dredd the baddest street Judge of them all. I have to say any film that has Stallone wear a codpiece is not a film that I would normally spend time with but there I was.

And there he was in the costume – saying “I am the Law!”

Well not exactly, it came out of somewhat like “I ham.. de lew” not quite as bad as say Inspector Clouseau saying “I am an officer of de laaaaaw, do you have a lisasaaaance for that Menky?” but close enough.

Per the ever infallible internet movie database Sly has some paralysis on the left side of his face making his slur words sometimes – as in “I ham de lew”

It  reminded me of the efforts of the male lead in Birdemic to pronounce “Solar Panels” and “Vietnamese Restaurant” not a good thing for me.

After that the films goes through its depressing rounds – there are expulsions – the comic relief reliefs comically, Max Von Sydow makes some money for this grandchildren and provides the film’s  major exposition after being run through by a spear from a cyber cannibal (don’t ask).

The comic relief if you can call it that is brought to us by Rob Schnider – who as far as I can tell from a quick look over the ever infallible internet movie database has never been in good film. Profitable yes. Good no.

Anyway as part of a byzantine and not very interesting  plot twist – Dredd is framed for murder and ends up going to prison on the same ship with Roy – who in an apparently improvised scene made fun of Stalone’s “I ham de lew”

This ship is blown by the aforesaid cannibals who are killed by Dredd and Max Von Sydow– who gets stabbed by the last of the cannibals (which come to think of it would be in interesting movie title) and then we are expected to believe that Armand Assante– (Rico) is a genetic match for Stallone as Judge Dredd. I can tell you one thing – Assante can say “I am the law” better than Stallone can.

The plot idea by the evil folks – there is some other guy other than Assante but he’s there just to get killed later before the big final battle was to make things so bad that the Janus project – a project to clone judges (Dredd and Assante were prototypes  is required which will give the other evil guy complete control over the universe – or mega city or Pittsburgh.  I don’t know and I don’t there.   

The whole things goes to smash Dredd kills the folks that need killing and then returns to his place as a street judge. Schneider survives for some reason (originally he was supposed to die but early screenings proved audiences hated that – maybe they wanted Dredd to die so Roy survives.)

One odd note was that many of the fan boys of the comic book were upset that Stallone took off his helmet something that the comic book Dredd never did. I can see their point – but I can see the movies’ point as well – and honesty Stallone doesn’t have the highly trained voice of say Hugo Weaving who was able to pull off never taking his mask off in V for Vendetta.

Full of what are by now are clichéd visions of dystopian urban future – with actors either being stoic (Stallone)  or eating larges chunks of scenery (Armand who really should be ashamed.) This is a painful slog through the future.

Enjoy with spaghetti (you’ll see why if you watch the film)

Son of the Revenge of the 31 Days of Cheese- Day 25: Behind the Mask

As surprising as it may seem making bad superhero/comic book movies is not a holly wood trend limited to the last 20 years or so – actually they usually managed to screw the pooch almost every time they tried which is what made the success of films like Superman or the Dark Knight a surprise.

Still for each good or decent film there are a lot of films like Behind the Mask.

This 1946 B film is the third of a series of films featuring The Shadow.

For those not quite massively into obsessive knowledge of popular culture in the 30’s and 40’s the Shadow was a very popular radio show with its trade mark opening “who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The Shadow knows.” This observation was followed up by a low sinister laugh. The Shadow had the power to cloud men’s minds so they couldn’t see him – only hear his voice or feel the business end of his fists. He was aided by – and they always said this – the lovely Margo Lane who was the only one who knew the Shadow’s real identity of Lamont Cranston wealthy playboy and amateur sleuth. Margo was his helper  and sometime the damsel needing rescue in a series of wild adventures – Actually Lamont Cranston coming to your country home for the weekend was pretty much the kiss of death for anybody in the household – the body count of the  radio show was pretty high.

To confuse the issue just a bit – or a lot – there was also the shadow magazine that published monthly an adventure of the Shadow – most of these were written by William Gibson – the pulp Shadow did not could men’s minds with hypnotism and had a bewildering variety of alias of which Lamont Cranston was only one – a master of disguise with a Ninja like ability to disappear into the back ground this Shadow also had a huge number of agents at his beck and call all of whom owed their lives to the shadow.  And each month he fought evildoers armed with his ever present /45 colt automatics. An early punisher if you would.

Apparently Gibson hated the radio show.

The sinister laugh was however a constant.

So you had two versions of the shadow to work with as a film maker what do you do? You ignore both of them. The film starts off with sinister figure in a rain coat gong from nightclub to nightclub (one of which is a bookie front) threatening the owners and demanding and increase in the protection money they had been paying him.

Turns out that he’s a gossip columnist for a newspaper and that night is killed while he’s writing a column.

This is the first 10 minutes – a bit film noir which you ‘d except with a character like the shadow.

Well the rest of the film is comic relief.

No I’m not kidding.

We have the butler who is comic relief. A lot of comic relief.

We have Margo Lane and her  friend Jenny (who is hitched to the butler. Why comic Relief man comic relief!) All Margo wants is to get married and after that Lamont will stop being the shadow. Jenny just wants to marry the butler.

No I don’t know why.

Margo is played as insanely jealous shrew – as is Jenny – folks end up yelling at each other at the top of their lungs. I think this is supposed to be funny but well it just makes me want to hurt myself.

Lamont by the by is played as a sort of second rate thin man, there is no reason for him to go gadding about in a mask except that the movie is listed as a Shadow Film so he’s going to have to do that a bit. Still in the end he’s as about as annoying as the rest of them.

We also have not one but two police men who are played as comic relief – one is always complaining about how he’s got a cold or a fever or something, the other , the inspector hates Lamont with a passion and yells at him all the time except when the commissioner (who knows Lamont somehow) tells him to shut up.

Slapstick farce and murder don’t really go together unless you’ve very very good.

This film isn’t good.

The worst scene is one about the middle of the film, Lamont has asked the dead reporters secretary over to ask her about a possible clue – just before she arrives at Lamont’s apartment Margo and Jenny show up – and unbeknownst to Lamont or the young woman – are hiding behind the couch that they are sitting on. Sub rate farce stuff happens then the women are discovered and they start fighting. Lamont asks the secretary to please wait outside while he settles with Margo.

The secretary gets on an elevator and we see sinister shadow and a hand going over her face.

Cut to Lamont and the butler and coming out and they of course find the secretary dead.

There is not the slightest change in anybody’s behavior after that. You’d think a dead woman in an elevator would change that but no – we have more comic scenes to endure.  The men are stupid and the women are shrews. It’s very unpleasant film to watch really.

At the end the murderer is caught, the shadow cleared of the crime and as the last bit of comic relief  Lamont and the Butler spank Margo and Jenney. Two little “the end” s emerge from each woman’s rear end and merge to form the words “The End” and you being to wonder what really, the big fuss about death is anyway.

Stupid and cheap. To be avoided.

Enjoy with the sound off while playing a recording of one of the shadow radio shows. They are much more fun.